So Another Year, Huh?

Every year you hear it... at least a dozen times.

"Can you believe another year is coming to an end?"

This time I can honestly say, "Yes, I believe it!"

Over Christmas I was actually able to do a lot of thinking. And much of that thinking was about the last year that is now trailing behind us. At times I was tempted to drown as I wrote in my last post. There were moments that I did, at least in my tears. I don't want to necessarily focus on the negative, but you can't ignore it either. It happened. It's real. The tears and pain and grief are so real. Why try and brush it neatly under the rug?

I've never really been good at that kind of 'house keeping'.

I'd rather talk about it. Look deeply at it. Face it head on and share what God has done with it and through it. Or even go so far as to admit: I still don't understand, I'm still reeling, the pain is still present.

Is that ok?

This week I have been burdened with thoughts of Ukraine. It was a year ago exactly that I was there. I had just met with the first participant. I was excited and scared and loving being there! I was looking forward to the time of study that I would have with the women and the other leaders. I was enjoying time with family and friends. It was such a special trip.

When we left I didn't know what our next step would be. Initially I thought it would be some kind of action. Putting together another team, planning another trip, raising more money. After a lot of prayer and a lot of 'trying' and talking and thinking and planning... nothing. What had just fallen into our laps the year before seemed to have dried up. God was saying wait.

We are still waiting.

And it's been hard. Sometimes discouraging. I have questioned God, myself, His call. At times I feel as though I have let them down and the many who supported us financially and prayerfully. I have no answers to their questions. I have no answers to my own. I have no doubt we did what we were called to do. No doubt at all. But I'm left to wonder how it will all come together. Will this special ministry continue? What is God going to do?? Will I be apart of it? Am I the only one praying for post abortion ministry to take root in Vinnitsa? At times I feel as though I am...

My thoughts have gone to the many friends who I have watched suffer loss this year. For some it was loved ones to death, deployment, or miscarriage; lost jobs, houses, marriages, and relationships... Some were expected. And some were beyond shocking. My heart has bled with you and for you. I have felt helpless. I have stayed awake nights praying through tears. I have been angry and yelled out in rage. I have even thrown things. It has been difficult watching and praying from a distance. Feeling your pain even though it was not my own.

My thoughts have lingered on my own losses and struggles. There is the ever present parenting and marriage struggles, even though we are good. I have to remind myself, to avoid complete despair, this will never be heaven - at least not until we are dead. This has been the most wonderful year for our family, truly. I am so, so very grateful. We have all grown and matured and applied the difficult lessons from our harder years. It makes me thankful for the hard work we put into 'hanging in there'.
And for the grace of God that didn't allow us to let go, even when we really tired of holding on. It will forever be a process. But I'm not afraid anymore. In fact, I am quite at peace and enjoying this season of rest.

I have thought back over the last 5 months. Finding out we would have another has brought me such joy. For over a year I had felt that someone was just missing. I would have moments of slight panic, feeling as though I had lost one. I would count: 1,2,3... 1,2,3. They were all there, so why did I have this intense feeling that one was not? After a long time of praying, I realized that God had been preparing my heart for another. And when it really came to be, there was a deep sense of completeness that came over me. This pregnancy has been a joy. Even through the miserable days of being sick and exhausted I was able to be thankful. To rest in the gift of this little one. To recognize another chance given to me by God. My last pregnancy came at such a challenging time. I am glad that this time I am at peace and able to truly relish each moment.

But I wouldn't be honest if I left it at that. The first 4 months of being sick was hard as many of you know from either my whining or your own experience. Certain areas suffered at my lack of attention and energy. The kids got out of control at one point, so did the house! Just when we had gotten into a great school routine, everything came to a forceful stop.  But life couldn't stop. We had to keep going, as miserable as it was. Somehow we got through, although I feel as though I lost about 4 months of my life. Mid November I realized that it was no longer the middle of the year, but the end! How the heck did that happen without me noticing until then!! Truly a bazaar feeling.

In the midst of that particular trying time for our family, we were hit hard with the news that our beloved pastor had resigned and under difficult circumstances. There were more questions than answers. I wanted to stop. To say, let's just all take a break, take time to absorb things, you know, process. Can't we just take a minute?!? But no. Once again, life doesn't stop, even when you feel there is no possible way to keep going. One thing I have learned through this situation that threatened to shake me to my core, was that God doesn't need us to hold things together. Thankfully, it's not up to us. It's not our church, it's not our ministry - they are His. We are His. And even though everything is falling down around our ears, somehow, He is still holding us together. It's not our job, even though we get sucked into the thought that it is. We don't even have to try and keep it neat and tidy for God. Because He is even in the midst of the mess. The horrendous, disgustingly revolting mess. He's there and He's promised to never leave us, even when we ARE that mess. Can I say that I am thankful for this? Not yet. I'm just not there yet. I am still reeling. I am still yelling out in rage. I broke down and cried about it just yesterday. The pain is still very much present. And I think it will be for a long time. Some things just take a long time to work through.

And how could my thoughts not be consumed with the fact that my sweet sister and her husband and her baby are no longer safe within my reach. Just a week before Christmas they moved to Honduras to live with Javier's parents. Am I glad for them? Yes. Do I feel certain they are following God's call? Without question. But is it hard? Incredibly. I haven't been able to write about it because honestly, I just haven't been able to. It's just been too hard. Their leaving has left a huge gap in my life and a slight tear in my heart. I miss them. I don't like it either. I've never really had to miss anyone like this before. I have been sheltered all my life from this kind of separation. And now that I am holding it in my lap I'd rather not have to deal with this discomfort, this uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. But it's not something that I can make go away, like a headache with the aid of some Tylenol. I'm stuck with it. So carry it I must.

I know I write these words at the risk of sounding despondent, despairing, depressed. But please believe me when I say I promise, I'm not. Somehow I am really ok. These have been hard things. It's been a long year. But still, somehow I have been able to cling to God's promises through all of it. Not perfectly, sometimes a little late. I definitely have frequent moments of giving into my emotions that are heightened anyway at the moment! I can truly say that God is carrying us. There is just no other explanation. I feel His presence so clearly, so intensely that I cannot even try and deny it. I have not lost hope in His sovereignty. I have not lost hope period.

One song that comes to mind is, The New Song We Sing. I will leave you with these words that are far more uplifting than my own. I feel as though I need to apologize to you. Normally 'New Years' posts are more uplifting and encouraging! But I can't NOT be honest! And somehow I am hopeful and encouraged through it all. God will make it all right.

You are the God who reconciles

The wayward heart through Christ

The old has gone, the new has come

We are reconciled by love

We are reconciled by love

And this is the new song we sing

to the King of heaven

 This is the new song we sing

after all You've given

We stand before you redeemed

as your children

This is the new song we sing.

We who were once so far away

are brought near by your blood

The barrier has been destroyed

by your grace we freely come

by your grace we freely come

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfEO5zdh4tk

This is the hope we have for this new year. His grace. His reconciliation. His work. Hold on, folks, it's gonna get better!

A Long Year

I started drowning last Friday.

Drowning in sad thoughts.

Thinking over this last year and all the difficult circumstances we have been thrown into like a raging sea.

I know I am not special in this. Many of you have lost so much and have experienced such sadness this year. I have ridden the waves of your burdens too, as only one can from a distance. It has been a tough year for many.

I feel tired and weak. It's hard swimming against the tide. The under current threatens to pull you under and sweep you away.

That almost happened to me once when I was a child. If it weren't for my strong Daddy's arm I was holding on to with all of my might, I'm sure the current would have overtaken me.

Hmm... what a picture.

Maybe I am tired from holding on so tight. Grasping with all of my might to the truth of His words, His promises, trusting so hard when things just don't make sense or go the way that seems right. When sin enters and destroys, when pain and meager efforts to control begin to overtake me.

Yes, I'm tired.

I have been tempted to get frustrated with Christmas coming so fast as it always does. With so much to do and no time or energy to do it. But that would truly be drowning. That would be loosing sight of the shore line.

It is for this reason we can celebrate. His coming.

If the toilets aren't cleaned or the carpets go un-vacuumed, what does it matter?

He has come to give us rest, true rest in Him. He came to leave us with a Comforter for these times of deep sadness and trial. He came so that we wouldn't have to drown in a sea of despair. He came to be our Rescuer. And He holds all things together even if it looks like everything is falling apart.

That is the life line I am tightly holding onto these days. My knuckles are white, my jaw a bit clenched, but I'm not going to let go. If I do, I'll sink, I'm sure of it.

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned...

For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor...

For unto us a child in born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace...

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering...

Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him and afflicted. but he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him and by his wounds we are healed. We all like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters...

(excerpts from Isaiah 9, 53, and 55)

Question for Mother's of Four (and anyone else who might have something to add)

I remember it well...

A month or so before my 3rd would arrive and the intense panic I was beginning to feel.

I felt so 'in-over-my-head" as it was, I couldn't imagine introducing another person, much less a newborn to the mix.

I was having dreams like: Opening the trunk of the car and finding him there, crying, wet and hungry - I had forgotten he was in the basket of groceries and just stuck him in the trunk!

I sat down at the computer and sent out an S.O.S. to an older, wiser woman. It went something like this:

HELP!

Number 3 is on it's way. STOP. How will I manage another? STOP. Will I be able to continue taking showers? STOP. How will I make dinner every night? STOP. Any advice to calm my panic would be much appreciated. STOP.

I remember the night we thought he was on his way. We were at a super bowl party. I looked at Dustin and calmly said, "It's time".

He gathered the kids and our stuff. We waved good-bye, they wished us luck. And then someone had the audacity to ask, "So, what's the name going to be?"

The name? Yes, his name.

Had I really been in that much denial?? To not think of a name... and we were on our way to the hospital!!

Thankfully he decided to give us another week before he actually came (much to my embarrassment!).

God ended up naming him and everything turned out alright. I never did stick him in the trunk, thinking he was a sack of groceries. I was still able to shower and make dinner, clean house and even go do stuff. Yes, there were moments of getting to the end of my Wal-Mart trip and looking down at the front of my shirt to find a massive amount of snot and yogurt wiped across the front of it. But at least they were all accounted for.

Ok, so that was then. And this is now.

Number 4? Who cares! No big deal!! Can't wait!!! Already thinking of Names!!!!

Where is he/she going to sleep? What does it matter? We have a closet, right?

You got rid of all of our baby stuff! So what!! It will all work out, not really worried about it!

You are 16 weeks and haven't seen a doctor yet!! Well, I am taking vitamins...

What about school next year with a newborn??? School? Haven't really thought about it!!

FOUR KIDS!!! What are you thinking!!! Well, apparently I'm not!

Ok, so you get the feel for where I am in life at the moment. One word - Clueless. Or am I?

This is where I need your help.

I came across this 'funny' in Reader's Digest and I laughed out loud. Not really because it was so funny, but because it's the perfect indication of where I am NOT!!

Ok, here it is:
"If you want to know what it's like to have a fourth kid, just imagine you're drowning and someone hands you a fourth kid."

Should I be panicking? Or at least nervous? Is my oblivion going to leave me unprepared??

I don't know. What do you think??

A Christmas Story

Once upon a time...

There was a little girl. Her name was Olivia and it was her 3rd Christmas, although she wasn't quite three.

She was very excited about the coming holiday. Not because of presents or candy, but because she had been invited to a birthday party for Jesus. There would be cake and presents and singing and crafts, but most important she would get to see the Baby Jesus and she just couldn't wait!

Her Mama was very busy this particular Christmas and sadly thought this birthday party was a little silly and quite inconvenient. She had decorating and baking to do. A new baby was coming too and there was lots to get ready for. And chasing after a 2yr. old and 15 month old made her quite tired. She would rather stay home. She needed to stay home.

But it was all her little girl could talk about...

She had lots of questions about that special little Baby. Questions like:

"Where is the baby Jesus?"
"Where is His Mama?"
"Does He have a white kitty?"
"When will I see Him?"
"Will I get to hold Him?"

Her Mama just couldn't say no to that precious little thing. As she dressed her that Saturday morning, putting a little red bow in her hair to match her red overalls, she saw the light in her eye. The giddy excitement that burst over in little giggles and more questions. It was hard for that Mama not to get a little excited herself.

So the excited little girl not yet 3 and the reluctant Mama drove the long way to church. The sky couldn't have been clearer. The sometimes green rivers were such a vibrant blue as the light from the sun made them gleam. They looked so happy. It might have helped that Mama to feel a little less tired and a little happier too.

As they pulled into the parking lot the Mama quickly realized they had arrived late. No one else was walking in with packages in hand. She noticed the air felt a little more frigid as she couldn't quite get her coat to button over her wide girth. She positioned her scarf a little better so that it covered her protruding front.

She thought of her babe within. How cozy and warm he was. Then her thoughts turned to the young mother long ago who had carried the babe within her willing body...

Had it been cold then too?
Had she been scared?
Did she feel alone, abandoned by her loved ones?
Did she have doubts?
Did she doubt God's plan?
Or was she at peace?

What this Mama didn't realize was that she had thought a lot about that little Baby too and a lot about that young mother. Her own time was coming near and she was feeling heavy and tired and weepy and what was it like riding on a donkey through the desert so close to delivering? Could she have done that, she wondered? What had it been like not having anywhere to go? Knowing that the One she was about to usher into this world deserved to at least be wanted. Did her heart sink as she walked or most likely shuffled into that stable-cave? As she laid on the dirt and straw, did it poke her? Did the smell make her nauseated...?

She couldn't help but wonder.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the little hand that held hers, it pulled excitedly, "Now, Mama?" She was so anxious to see the Baby.

"Not yet, sweety. We have to go to your class first and wrap our gifts so that they can be given to someone who otherwise wouldn't have any presents this Christmas."

She didn't understand why she had to go to her class first. She wanted to see the baby Jesus first. Thankfully she was soon distracted by her friends and the fun job of decorating wrapping paper.

Her Mama moved onto the sanctuary where she would wait with the other mothers, to listen to a devotional. She noticed the manger on the stage with the blanket of clean white tucked snugly inside. Her thoughts again went to that night long ago...

What would it have been like to give birth in such a dirty place? Did she even notice through the pain? Was Joseph scared too? Did they have help or was it just the two of them? Did He come quickly or did she labor long and hard? What was it like holding him for the first time? Was she exhausted or was her strength renewed as she took Him to her breast? Was she overwhelmed with that sweet, powerful  motherly love or the awe of her Savior, or both? She could only imagine the sweet tears that flowed...

Again her wonderings were interrupted as the devotional began.

Soon the children were heard as they began walking down the hall to the sanctuary. They walked in each carrying the gift they had just wrapped. A proud Mary and Joseph took their seats on the stage on either side of the wooden manger where a fake baby Jesus lay peacefully on the scratchy straw.

As soon as her little black patent-leathered feet walked through the big doors her eyes began searching. The Mama watched her closely hoping she wouldn't make a scene as her teacher directed her over to the tree where she was to place her gift and told her to go find her Mama.

She quickly stood so that her little one could easily find her. The confused little girl walked over to her Mama and loudly whispered, "The baby Jesus is up there and we neeed to go see him!"

"It's hard to be patient, I know," Her Mama whispered back. "But we are just going to have to wait."

She ants-ily waited on the seat through the story that was read and the songs that were sung. The Mama was getting a bit antsy too, not knowing how long she would be able to hold her back.

They were then dismissed to the fellowship room for the birthday cake and to sing "Happy Birthday, Jesus".

Hearing the word cake, the almost 3 year old momentarily forgot about the little bundle up front and her long awaited mission. The Mama followed and helped her find a spot and just the right size piece of birthday cake which she quickly inhaled. She hadn't forgotten after all.

One look from her little one and that Mama knew, there was no more putting it off. She took the small hand in hers and they walked together, slowly into the sanctuary.

As they walked through the big doors, the Mama noticed how calm and quiet her normally rambunctious little one was being. It was if what they were about to do was something very sacred. And to her girl, she guessed it was.

The room was empty as they approached the stage and the manger. Mary and Joseph had since gone to partake in eating cake. All that remained was the little plastic baby laying on top of the yellow hay.

"Is that a manger?" she asked.
"Yes, it's a manger" answered her Mama.
"But that is for horses!" she cried.
"Yes, for horses" her Mama thought to herself.

As they got closer the little one became very still and just silently stared into the sleeping face. It was the kind of doll that closed it's eyes when it was laid on it's back.

She then reverently asked if she could hold the baby Jesus.

Here Mama carefully picked up the bundle and gently placed him in her tiny arms.

The small girl stared in awe at this little baby. She hugged him and kissed him and pressed her cheek against his. She then carefully placed him back in the manger. That manger for horses.

The Mama stepped back, thinking this magical moment had ended. But then she heard, "Mama, I just have to hold him again."

She thought her Mama-heart would burst as she watched her precious one gently pick up the baby Jesus one more time. She began to have the same sense of awe as she watched the God of heaven and earth show Himself to this little girl of not quite three in such a simple yet profound way.

The young one hugged Him and rocked Him, kissed Him and loved Him. And her Mama loved Him too.

This is how it had been.

There was no doubt in that Mama's heart. This raw love and adoration that radiated from her little girl's face must have been how the first ones to hold and see this Child looked and felt themselves. She herself felt a sense of what the young mother and father, the shepherds and later wise men must have experienced as they beheld the Savior-Baby for the first time. The awe they had felt and undoubtedly the love that had overwhelmed them for that little Baby they had never seen before. But now would never again not be able to think of. The moment had left them changed.

And she had been changed as well. A sense of knowing came over that Mama as they walked out of the sanctuary hand in hand. An understanding that God had been showing her something through her little girl who had such a keen sense of understanding the importance of this little Baby. And the genuine, innocent love she had for Him.

Driving home she was thankful she had followed her 2 year old to the party that day. That she had been led by that small hand down the center isle to meet the baby Jesus in a way she never had before. That she got to witness the innocent, unadulterated love of a child for the Savior of the World who came as a baby so long ago. It was necessary that He come as a baby. It was necessary He enter our world just as we did. It is necessary that His birth be celebrated each year because it meant so much.

And it was necessary for that Mama to see Him through the eyes of a child, her child that Christmas.

What a truly special moment for both of them. Even if her little one didn't remember in years to come, she would and would never be able to not remember. Just as the shepherds, she had been a witness. She was so thankful God had allowed them both to experience Him in such a special way.

Here is Olivia, she had just turned 3 and was meeting her new brother, Levi for the first time. This picture captures her perfectly and is one of my all time favorites.

We hope you catch the excitement of Christmas this year and experience Him in a special way too.

Merry Christmas!

A Tribute to Fall

Before we completely move onto Christmas I wanted to pay tribute to this past Fall with some of the fun things that happened in our family... 

We were excited to find out there was a little bean inside. It was fun keeping it a secret

for at least a couple of weeks!

We welcomed fall to our house with a chocolate cake and candles, why not??

The kids had fun dressing up for the annual Down Town Bay Street Trick or Treat. 

 

 Elijah growing up so fast!

 One of the highlights was welcoming home the "hikers", my brother Hunter and his wife Amy. They finished the PCT after 5 months of hiking.

I love seeing my boys and girl dirty! It means they've been having fun outside!

 We were thankful to make a trip to D.C. to visit some dear friends. While there we went to the 'BIG' Air and Space Museum. We found the plane that was on Levi's jacket!

And this plane was on Deke's shirt! And can you believe it, 

both of those were unplanned!!

I think Olivia's favorite thing was going to the Antique Store and trying on all the hats.

She's quite the model!

The kids always have fun in the kitchen creating new desserts.

It was fun seeing our baby for the first time!

Olivia sang her first solo in church last week

This is the baby at 14 weeks. Olivia is demonstrating

how big the baby is right now.

We had fun with our visiting friends from Knoxville, TN. We have missed them

since they moved this past summer.

Leave it up to Deacon and Olivia to find a stray or injured animal. This time it was a

cardinal they tried to nurse back to health... unfortunately the cat

found it the next morning! =(

The Qualls family has the wonderful tradition of letting the smallest members of the family mix up the famous cornbread dressing for Thanksgiving each year. Yes, we make them wash their hands before, but we have no control over the sneezes!

Dustin's been doing this ever since he can remember!

He was the turkey man at our house this year too! We hosted my family for Thanksgiving for the first time. It was a lot of work, but worth it. It was so much fun having everyone over.

The finished bird! And did I mention this was our first turkey too!

We had 20 people to help us celebrate, hence the second table in the living room. Thanks to my amazingly talented husband, he just happened to have an extra (beautiful) heart-pine table lying around his shop that we were able to use!

Some of the crowd in the kitchen and some of the food - that we are still eating!

The kids table!

My favorite nephew - look at that edible chub!

Yeah, he's got this chillin' thing down to a science!

I thought it would be fun to end with the E man giving us a dance!

A lot has happened this Fall. Many ups and downs for sure. But family, especially children help keep things constant and fun and definitely interesting.

I am so grateful for that and the amazing work God continues to do in our lives and hearts.

A Camping Trip

We had been planning a camping trip for quite a while.

When it gets a little cooler we'll go...

But before it had a chance to get cooler, we were pleasantly surprised to find out that number 4 would be joining the clan. The camping trip was snug in the back of my mind, there would be plenty of time to start feeling better.

I guess I didn't realize how long 10 weeks would be! I still had no relief and I just couldn't imagine living out doors for 4 days.

I'm just going to have to miss out. I'll stay home and be sick and send my family off  to have a fun time without me...

I told Dustin that I didn't think I would be able to swing it. But that thought made me sad. I wanted to go, be with my family, watch my boys and girl explore and be dirty and love every minute of it.

A few days before we were to leave I was still unsure, but then I felt myself feeling a little better.

I'd chance it. I could always come home somehow if it was unbearable.

But it wasn't. In fact, it was glorious and I hadn't felt that well in months!

I didn't join in any arduous activities, but I did enjoying catching snapshots of some of my favorite people... and some of the fun things they did.

We had a wonderful time. Dustin's parents were able to join us, or did we join them? Regardless, we were together and had a lot of fun cooking out doors, fishing, sitting around the camp fire and roasting two bags worth of marshmellows! We can't wait for our next camping trip!