Just When you Finally Have things Figured Out

*WARNING: This post contains pregnancy talk and may not be suitable for the man who has no idea what being 4cm dilated means or gags at the mention of the word fluid.

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You find yourself still pregnant two days past your due date!

My friend told me that I jinxed myself. And maybe I did. But the reality is, I really had never made it to a due date! Not just once, but thrice, my friends. So what was I supposed to expect especially with a fourth pregnancy??

This has been a roller coaster of a week for me to say the least.

I thought labor had started twice. With strong contractions, intensifying over a 3-5 hour period. Only to stop as suddenly has it started.

I thought my water had broken. Yeah, not a pleasant thought when I realized it wasn't amniotic fluid!

I was told by my midwife that I was dilated to 4cm and most likely would go by the weekend. (It is now Tuesday)

I have had at least 3 days of constant, strong and uncomfortable cramping and contractions.

I have watched my due date come and go.

I have struggled with intense discomfort due to being so dilated.

I have had to endure the million questions and suggestions and opinions from well meaning family and friends. (Sorry if I have not responded well or not at all)

I have experienced swelling in my feet, legs, toes, hands, fingers, lips, face, nose, etc...

But the hardest part about this past week, has been the battle within my mind. I'd like to blame it all on the crazy hormones that are threatening to make me crazy. And maybe that's part of it.

Maybe it's the desperation I feel to be "unpregnant" as Levi would say.

Maybe it's because I'm just weary.

I'd really like to blame it on all those things. But in the end I know that I have to be responsible for my thoughts and actions.

I have experienced true weakness this week. True 'humanity'. Shame for not trusting. Embarrassment for letting my thoughts and emotions get the better of me. I have struggled with fear and anxiety like never before.

I came across a post I wrote just before going to Ukraine December of 2010. It's titled A Calming Presence. I wasn't looking for it, it just seemed to appear out of no where. I know it was the Lord speaking to me, encouraging me.

I was in a similar place just before leaving for Ukraine. Struggling with fear and doubt. But through that God showed me that it's ok. Even in the midst of our weakness, He has a plan. He can still use us. And still prove to us that He is God, holding all things together.

Sunday was particularly bad. I woke up in a panic. The fear had over taken me the night before and I had completely succumb to it. I believed the words of the one who was attacking and oh how far I fell.

I knew my mind needed renewing. But the weight of my Bible was almost too heavy to bear.

I asked my Mother-in-Law for some Scripture references. She is such a huge encouragement to me. She doesn't shy away from giving you Truth, even when you want someone to just feel sorry for you. Within minutes I had a slue of Scriptures dealing with fear and worry. I spent a long time meditating on them. Praying and crying through them. Allowing the Lord's peace to wash over me. I felt invigorated. Able to see clearly once again. To recognize my blessings and to be thankful.

This releasing of control has been so hard for me. Coming to terms with the fact that I have to place my trust in a God who doesn't promise ease and comfort. That His goal for us is to be holy and not always happy. That He is always good but isn't always safe. Well, it's been a moment by moment battle. The failures have threatened to shake me to my core. And the victories have been slight in comparison.

But thankfully, this is the encouragement we have:

Let the beloved of the Lord rest in him, for he shields him all day long and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders - Deut. 33:12

Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come? - Lam. 3:37-38

...call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you...

I will be found by you - Jer. 29:11-14

Humble yourself under God's might hand that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your ENEMY the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the FAITH... And the God of grace... will restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. - 1Peter 5

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship... - Rom. 8:15

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us... - Rom. 8:26

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither present or future, nor any powers... will be able to separate us from the LOVE of God - Rom 8:38

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will GUARD your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.

Phil. 4

I am so thankful for freedom in Christ. That I can share these things with you, speak them out loud and not have to be shameful. My weakness can be used for the glory of God. And it should. There is nothing within us, no strength or power or goodness. Not even faithfulness or loyalty. It doesn't make sense that God would pursue this one-sided relationship with us. But he does. 

And oh how thankful I am for that.

So, take this from someone who speaks from experience. If you are trying to figure out life, even the small moments within life, stop right now and let go of control. You'll save yourself a lot of agony.

Oh, and would you mind reminding me of these things in a day or two?

Thanks.

If I've Done it Once...

**This post was started  a few weeks ago, in the midst of packing/moving**

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So, lately Dustin and I have been a little frustrated.

And that frustration has been directed at the three beautiful gifts God has given us.

Olivia

Deacon

& Levi

My frustration comes when I've packed a box and the next day it's not only been emptied, but spread out into every crack and crevice, under beds and in drawers, etc...

How?

WHY??

Frustration comes too when I back over the newly purchased (for Christmas) scooter that was left laying in the driveway behind the van. After we have told them and told them to make sure to put away their toys so that doesn't happen - again!

This was NOT a good mothering moment...

I throw the van into park, then my pregnant self out the door after I feel the crunch of scooter under my tire. I then stomp to the back of the van, pick up the bent scooter and very dramatically throw it into the center of the yard. I then stomp back to the driveway, pick up what's left of the wheel and fling that into the yard to join it's destroyed significant other!

And there were witnesses. Four of them to be exact. Yes, my 3 children and my much afraid sister-in-law whom I don't think had ever had the privilege of seeing THAT idiot side of me.

There was silence in the van when I returned. Silence on their parts at least. No, I'm not done fuming quite yet... yes, I will leave you to assume the worst of me.

Then there is DQ who so willingly goes outside to pack up the shed and the yard only to find his tools and various camping items have been dispersed across the yard, up in the tree house, left out in the yard and woods and rain for who knows how long.

And when he goes to use the drill finds that that must have been one of the items left out in the rain, therefore is no longer in working order. And he is left to use a good old fashioned screw driver to take apart cabinets and dismantle them from walls.

We have been quite the disgruntled set of parents.

We were venting about such the other day and as we were talking I was reminded of a passage in Romans 8.

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear,

but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we

cry, "Abba, Father."

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.

Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and

co-heirs with Christ... (vs. 15-17)

God calls us His children. I'm sure there are many reasons for this. He is the Father. We have been given a spirit of sonship, adopted, we are His heirs... But I think the main reason is because, well, we act like children!

We tear apart what's been put together, carelessly throwing aside the important and disregarding the holiness of God and all that He calls us to. We try to fix, but instead of fixing, we just make a bigger mess. We are demanding, we whine and complain, and are ungrateful. We run ahead or lag behind. We push and we pull wanting to move faster. We are impatient.

We as parents deal with these kinds of issues on a daily basis. And oh the frustration! But let us have eyes to see that we are no different.

And let us not miss an opportunity to be reminded of the love of our Father. I wish I could extend that love purely to my own children. But see, I am a child myself. I am learning right along side them. So how is it that I get so frustrated with them when I am guilty of the very same things? But oh how much deeper my sin goes... it's really not the same at all.

That brings an even bigger challenge. How can I, who has been made co-heirs with Christ, who has received so much grace from my Father - who tells us to call him Daddy - how can I then not show that same love and compassion and patience to my children? Their offenses being so trivial compared to mine...

I pray that as I continue to learn these lessons, my children will be spared the vision of Mom loosing it and throwing the scooter pieces across the yard. Hopefully instead they will leave my home with a deep sense of the way THE Father casts our sins into the depths of the sea and remembers them no more. That no matter what the offense, His grace and love transcends them all.

Now hopefully I can put their unpacking skills to good use when we move into the new house!

(Which we did and are loving by the way. I can't wait to start on THAT post!)

Question for Mother's of Four (and anyone else who might have something to add)

I remember it well...

A month or so before my 3rd would arrive and the intense panic I was beginning to feel.

I felt so 'in-over-my-head" as it was, I couldn't imagine introducing another person, much less a newborn to the mix.

I was having dreams like: Opening the trunk of the car and finding him there, crying, wet and hungry - I had forgotten he was in the basket of groceries and just stuck him in the trunk!

I sat down at the computer and sent out an S.O.S. to an older, wiser woman. It went something like this:

HELP!

Number 3 is on it's way. STOP. How will I manage another? STOP. Will I be able to continue taking showers? STOP. How will I make dinner every night? STOP. Any advice to calm my panic would be much appreciated. STOP.

I remember the night we thought he was on his way. We were at a super bowl party. I looked at Dustin and calmly said, "It's time".

He gathered the kids and our stuff. We waved good-bye, they wished us luck. And then someone had the audacity to ask, "So, what's the name going to be?"

The name? Yes, his name.

Had I really been in that much denial?? To not think of a name... and we were on our way to the hospital!!

Thankfully he decided to give us another week before he actually came (much to my embarrassment!).

God ended up naming him and everything turned out alright. I never did stick him in the trunk, thinking he was a sack of groceries. I was still able to shower and make dinner, clean house and even go do stuff. Yes, there were moments of getting to the end of my Wal-Mart trip and looking down at the front of my shirt to find a massive amount of snot and yogurt wiped across the front of it. But at least they were all accounted for.

Ok, so that was then. And this is now.

Number 4? Who cares! No big deal!! Can't wait!!! Already thinking of Names!!!!

Where is he/she going to sleep? What does it matter? We have a closet, right?

You got rid of all of our baby stuff! So what!! It will all work out, not really worried about it!

You are 16 weeks and haven't seen a doctor yet!! Well, I am taking vitamins...

What about school next year with a newborn??? School? Haven't really thought about it!!

FOUR KIDS!!! What are you thinking!!! Well, apparently I'm not!

Ok, so you get the feel for where I am in life at the moment. One word - Clueless. Or am I?

This is where I need your help.

I came across this 'funny' in Reader's Digest and I laughed out loud. Not really because it was so funny, but because it's the perfect indication of where I am NOT!!

Ok, here it is:
"If you want to know what it's like to have a fourth kid, just imagine you're drowning and someone hands you a fourth kid."

Should I be panicking? Or at least nervous? Is my oblivion going to leave me unprepared??

I don't know. What do you think??

Call me Old Fashioned

I have been called many things throughout my life.

I remember the first time I figured out I had a strange name. I was in the first grade and one of my classmates called me "Mi-Cow". I looked behind me thinking he saw an actual cow, but then I realized, no, he was talking to me... Since then it has been amusing listening to people butcher my name.

"Mi-Kale" is the most common around here. I have actually had people ask me if I was named after Mikhail Gorbachev. (really?)

I am also known as Mickel (as in nickel), Mik-la, Mikayla, Michael (yes, we actually get mail addressed to Mr. Mika'l Qualls haha), Michelle, Mica, Mi-kall, and I'm sure I'm forgetting a few.

I am also called many names by my close friends and family. Including many from the list above, there is also, Sister, Sis, Kel, Auntie Kel and now Tia that I answer to!

But I think my brother hit it on the head when I was about 13. That's when he started calling me "Quaker-Girl". I have always been what you call an 'old soul'. I think I was actually born a century too late. I LOVE old fashioned everything! Clothing, hair styles, shoes, horse drawn carriages, linens, doilies, jewelry, lamps, barns, farms... and especially old timey decor.

I am finally embracing this obsession of mine. It used to be embarrassing for me to admit, but I'm now shouting it from the cyber-space roof tops! I am old fashioned!!!

I am especially drawn to everything wicker. I just can't help myself! I see it, I want it, I have to have it! It can be any size or color. And no matter where we are, that's the first thing my eye sees. I realized this today after coming home with THREE more pieces of wicker furniture. It beckoned me from the outside of a thrift store as I drove by. But it did not beckon long... soon all 3 pieces were jammed in my van along with my 3 squirming kids.

When I got home I began to notice all the wicker around me and thought it would be fun to share this obsession of mine with you!

There is wicker for every room in this house...

starting with the front porch

wicker for empty spaces

wicker for Uno

wicker for magazines

wicker for flash cards

wicker for paint brushes

wicker for crayons

wicker for paper, wicker for cd's

wicker for school supplies

wicker for storage

wicker for mail

wicker for stationary

wicker for books

wicker for laundry

wicker for more laundry

wicker for coffee and tea

I even have wicker look-a-likes!

wicker squares

wicker hearts

wicker for towels

wicker for clothes pins (great cookbook by-the-way!)

wicker for reflections

wicker for faces

wicker on top of wicker

wicker for socks and such

wicker for make-up

ok, this isn't wicker, but it's just so stinkin' cute!

wicker for toilet paper

wicker for light

wicker to set wicker on

wicker to sit on

wicker for more people to sit on

wicker for bedsides (and more light)

wicker for toys

wicker for stuffed animals

wicker for bags

wicker for closets, wicker for blankets

wicker for babies

wicker for little bottoms

wicker for bigger bottoms

wicker for wash cloths

...and does there always have to be a reason?

wicker for remotes and other necessary items

and wicker for plants

And believe it or not, I have spared you many of the pictures that could have been included! It's sad, I know. But I don't think it will ever die. It has been a life-long obsession that is only increasing with age... and the more space I have!

Hmm... I wonder if there will be wicker in my heavenly mansion....? Well, at least on the front porch!!