There was never a time in my life when the name Jesus was foreign to me. Never. One of my first memories was kneeling down at the coffee table with my mom and asking Jesus to be my Savior too. That simple, but that extraordinary. I knew then that Jesus was calling me to something and I began looking for it.
I married my high school sweetheart, Dustin on June 1, 2002. He's the only guy I've ever dated, the only guy I've ever kissed.
You've heard the song
"Dustin and Mika'l sittin' in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage!"
...well, we quickly followed suit! Olivia Rose was born in January 2004. Then Deacon Lee joined our family in August 2005, Levi Walker came in February 2007 and David "Judah" was born May 23, 2012.
The next part of my story goes back to the moment I found out I was pregnant with Levi. See, that was not part of my plan. Up until that moment I had been trying to write my own story. And things just kept happening out of order. I tried ripping the pages out and starting over, but that wasn't working either. It wasn't that I didn't want another baby. It was just that I didn't want to be married anymore. I had been trying so hard to write a fairy tale and all I was getting was the Simpsons. And having another baby in the midst of that definitely did not fit into the screen play of my chick flick. Or so I thought...
God spoke to me in two ways through this very difficult situation. One of the ways was through my son's name. Levi means 'to be attached'. To some that might not mean much. And at the time we named him, it really didn't mean much to me either. Other than the fact that when they went to take him off my chest moments after he was born, the nurse yelled, "Wait! Wait! He's still attached!" No, it wasn't until a few months later when I was reading in Genesis about the story of Jacob that God really spoke to me. In chapter 29 verse 34 it is speaking of Leah, Jacob's first wife, and it says, " Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, 'Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.' So he was named Levi."
Although our stories are different Leah and I were both having marital issues during the time our third child was born. Our third child both happened to be boys and both happen to have the name Levi. I couldn't help but see the similarities. And I couldn't help but see God's hand in all of it. Even when I was completely unaware, God was working. Before Levi, I had been trying so hard to figure out a way to make it ok to not be married anymore. I mean, I was really trying. When I found out I was expecting again all of that had to stop. And I was not happy about it. I felt trapped. But I continued reading and I noticed my heart began to change. I saw that God had a plan even in Leah's pain. That through the dysfunction and even sin, God was going to be glorified. That Levi was not only born to be the first of the great high priestly tribe, but he was born because God cared for Leah and through him, she would be attached to her husband. In verse 35 she conceived again (boy, I thought I had my kids fast!) but this time, her cry to the Lord was different. "'This time,'" she said "'I will praise the Lord.' So she named him Judah." I think God must have changed her heart as well. I am really looking forward to having that conversation with her one day!
The second way God spoke to me was very unexpected as well. I have always had a compassion for the woman in a crisis pregnancy and a love for the ministry that is there to support her. But I never thought that God would call me to that ministry. It wasn't until I experienced my own crisis pregnancy that God began to softly speak to my heart, and slowly call me to this very special ministry. Although I was married, was provided for, was established, when I found out that I was pregnant for the third time, I was scared and I wanted out. I never considered abortion, but if my parents' story didn't include Christ and if my story didn't have Christ as the overlying theme, I might have. And from that God definitely gave me a new sympathy and understanding for the women who have. I began to pray for a way for God to use me.
Two years later I was approached by a Board Member of the Beaufort Women's Center. He asked me if I had ever considered becoming a board member. I promptly told him 'Uh... No.' He told me that I should. After our conversation I thought of little else. I prayed about it for two months. At the end of those two months, it was suggested that I attend a volunteer training by Care Net. The lady who led the training told us the first night that this training will change your life! I was immediately skeptical. She also told us to ask someone who has a passion for this ministry to pray for us this week. The next day my sister-in-law who was in Ukraine at the time called me out of the blue. She had once volunteered for the center so I asked her to pray for me. She asked what to pray for specifically. After thinking a minute I said to her, "You know, I really have a compassion for the woman who is in a crisis pregnancy. But I don't want my compassion to be one-sided. Pray that the babies aborted wouldn't just be a number to me and ask God to give me a deep love and compassion for the post-abortion woman." You've heard the saying "Be careful what you pray for..."
The last day of the training was spent on Post-Abortion Stress Disorder and the path to healing for the post-abortion woman. I could feel the tears starting to surface towards the middle of the first session. I tried so hard not to succumb to them, but they quickly over powered me. I sobbed through the second session. Finally we broke for lunch. I went to my car and tried to pull it together. I thought maybe if I reapplied make-up, that would be enough incentive to not cry it all off. At the first sign of someone showing concern for me I lost it again and had to go into the bathroom. I understood why they felt sorry for me, they had been listening to me and watching my ugly cry for the better part of three hours. What I couldn't understand was what was happening to me. Finally Dottie, the Care Net Trainer, came into the one stall bathroom with me and started asking me questions. She assumed, as I'm sure everyone else there was assuming, that I had had an abortion or a miscarriage and was just now being faced with dealing with it. I honestly told her, no, and that I didn't know why I couldn't stop crying. She then wrapped her arms around me and began to pray. She asked God to calm the trembling inside of me and that I would be able to finish and finish well. Immediately the tears stopped. I blew my nose one more time, splashed some water on my mascara streaked face and went out to take my seat. I finished the day. That night happened to be my very first official meeting as a Board Member. And at the end of that meeting, God made it very clear to me, that He had answered my prayer. He not only had given me a deep love and compassion for that woman who suffers from abortion, but He also allowed me to mourn and weep for her. For months I couldn't share about that experience without weeping.
That was the first night of my call to post-abortion ministry. It was as clear as if He had put a neon blinking sign in my line of vision. No questions about it!! This ministry is such a special, intimate ministry, there are not many like it and I feel honored and privileged to be apart of it. It is such a huge part of my life.
That sister-in-law who prayed for me is also my dear friend Michelle Panchuk. She and I are planning on going to Ukraine at the end of this year to lead the Forgiven and Set Free Bible Study for the first time in Vinnitsa. We are very excited and very nervous and truly covet your prayers.
As lengthy as this is, I know that my story is far from complete. I am honestly very thankful for that, there is so much more to look forward to. And although my fairy tale had a bit of a crash landing, I am honestly thankful for that as well. Maybe this will help explain it:
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord
has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the
brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD'S favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on
them a crown of Beauty instead of Ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.
Isaiah 61:1-3
Without pain, there can't be healing. Without need there can't be fulfillment. Without devastation there can't be restoration. No, pain is not easy to go through. Suffering sometimes make us want to give up and die. Fear and loneliness can be all consuming, but when we get a glimpse of God through it, when we see HIS POWER turning the ashes to beauty, the spirit of despair into a garment of praise, then we can experience true JOY, PEACE and REST. Praise God for His all consuming grace and mercy.
