Dear Levi

Hey Buddy!

Can you believe that IT has actually come? After a year long wait, your birthday is finally  here. Your Mama was even starting to wonder if it would ever arrive!

But it did, and all too soon if you ask me.

And can you believe that you are now 5? I sure can't.

FIVE.

I know I keep saying it. But it's just such a big number. I'm making sure we are ready for it. Are we?

Five years ago today...

You were born.

What had been safely inside, I was now being forced to share with the outside. I was glad to share you. To meet you. To see you and count your fingers and toes. To see that Qualls' chin and eyes and nose - nope, no Marcy there!



But...

I wished you were still just mine. Like a nicely kept secret.

See, a lot had been swirling about. And one day I will tell you all about it. I can't wait to share that story with you someday, when  you are bigger, when you can understand. Because it was one of the most important times in Mama's life. But for now, I'll just say this...

I remember the day I found out you were in my tummy. I was feeling sick. I thought maybe I had the flu or something like that. I was nervous. I told Daddy that on the way home from church, we should stop and get one of those special tests, you know the one that tells you whether or not there is a baby in a Mama's tummy.

I remember sitting in church. I remember the seat and the outfit I was wearing. I remember hearing the pastor speak and I remember what he said.

He said, "Sometimes God brings difficult circumstances into our lives as believers. But it's ok. Even if we don't understand why, even if it doesn't feel that it could possibly be coming from God, it can still be ok. Because he loves us, and there is a purpose, and it's going to be ok."

So I held on tight and told myself that. It would be ok. No matter what.

And you know what? It was. Because God did have a purpose. That purpose was you and the work He would begin through you.

The night you were born we had been at Nana and Papa's house, do you know why? Because it was MY birthday too! And Nana had fixed a big meal to celebrate. I remember sitting at the table trying to enjoy all the yummy food, but I just couldn't. Because my labor had begun and I knew it would be soon.

When we got to the hospital I was excited to hear that Dr. Fontana was on call. Because he was the same doctor who delivered me when I was being born! And because it was my birthday, it was 25 years ago to the day. I kept telling all the nurses that it was my birthday and that Dr. Fontana had delivered me too. Everyone was pretty excited.




Well after waiting for a long time (because you were sunny-side-up remember) you finally arrived and they laid you on my chest and I cried. I always do when I meet my babies for the first time. You were covered in white and you were crying and I loved you from the very first moment.

Did you know that God named you? Because Mama and Daddy had a real hard time thinking of just the right name and we needed a lot of help. There were a few names swirling around, but we just didn't know which one would be right for you.

After you had been born and we were all looking at you and the nurses were wiping and sucking and rubbing you, one of them tried to take you off of my chest. But as the one nurse began to lift you off of me, the other nurse shouted, "Wait! He's still attached!" Your cord hadn't been cut yet.

I looked at Baba who was standing right next to me and she smiled. Later I asked Daddy, "Did you hear what she said? She said that he was still attached."

Why was this important? Because that is exactly what your name means, to be attached.

So we knew. Levi would be your name.

Later I would understand even more why the meaning of your name was so important.

That's the really special thing about God, Levi. He speaks to us. We can't always hear His voice like you can hear mine or Daddy's. But He speaks to us just the same. That's why we read the Bible together. But He doesn't only use the Bible to speak to us. He is a great BIG God and uses all sorts of fun ways to speak to His children.

But this time, it was through the Bible that God spoke to Mama. I was reading in Genesis, you know the very first book of the Bible. The same book that talks about creation and Noah and Abraham and Issac and one of your favorites, Jacob. And that's exactly the part I was reading. That story about Jacob.

Jacob had a wife and her name was Leah. And she wasn't very happy. In fact, she had been really, really sad. But God was kind to her and kept giving her sons, because children are blessings from God.

I was reading and reading and then I came to the part about her third son and I stopped. Do you know why? Because her third son she named Levi too! How had I not remembered that? I thought it was pretty cool that we had both named our third child the same name. And do you know what? The meaning of your names meant something special to Leah in the Bible too. She said, "I will name him Levi, so that I will be attached to my husband."

God had a special plan for her Levi. Leah wanted to be happy, to make her husband and family happy. And God was going to use her Levi to help her do that.

And you know what? God had a special plan for MY Levi too. He would use you in the same way to attach us all together. To bring joy and healing and great happiness to our family.

When I read that part in Genesis I knew that God had spoken to me in that special way that He does. He was telling me that He saw and understood. That He had a plan and would take care of us, because He is a caring God.

You are an important little guy, my Levi. God had a special plan and purpose for you from the very first moment you entered this world. I want you to always remember that. To know and believe with all your heart that you are special and that God loves you. That He sees you and is using you to accomplish great things.

Although life was crazy for a time, it was fun introducing you to our world and especially to your big sister and big brother. They loved you from the first moments. We all did.


And your daddy was so good at staying up with you when you had your days and nights mixed up.

This is you smiling at your Daddy

And somehow you fit in so well. And we all asked ourselves how we had ever gotten along without you!

We were now a family of five!

There's that word again.

FIVE.

How did it go by so fast? I look back at pictures and videos and remember how crazy it was and I really felt that it would be that way forever. But everyone kept telling me that it wouldn't. Somehow I just didn't believe them!

But now I do. And I want to hold onto every single moment and put a brick on your head to keep you from growing any bigger. And post a sign on the door that says "NO GETTING BIGGER ALLOWED!"



But I know that that's impossible and it's not even right.




I have loved watching you get bigger.

You were the best 'cheeser'... Every time you saw the camera come out, it was an immediate "CHHEEESSE!"






And you fed yourself so well... You even managed to get oatmeal in your hair - EVERY MORNING! I think this picture is after dinner. And those are mashed potatoes.






You always made us laugh, even before you could talk. And now that you do talk, you are just so stinkin' funny!

I love your funny sayings, like, "Mom, what should I do with this booger? It's a giant one."

And I love your "what if's". Like, "Mom, what if a man flew up to the moon so he could roast a marshmallow on the sun? Wouldn't that be cool?"


I love how you love everything that your big brother and daddy loves. And you want to be just like them. You three really make a good team. I love watching you play together and love each other.

I love how stubborn you are. How LOUD you can be! That you want to always be apart and included... anything from helping in the kitchen to doing school work.


I love how I can't ever keep your finger nails short enough and somehow they are always filled with dirt... even at church.

I love that you always tell me I smell nice. Even when your version of 'smelling nice' is smelling like chicken or ketchup or hot dogs. Do I really smell like hot dogs??




I love your blond head and that it's stayed the blondest the longest. I love tucking you in at night, you always ask for an extra hug and a butterfly kiss and to tell me something else.

And I have loved watching you watch the new baby grow in my tummy. You were the first to tell me how 'fat my tummy was getting' and you love putting your hand on my belly to see if he's awake. I can't wait to see you as a big brother. It's a big responsibility! Are you ready for it?? I think you will be.

I am so proud of you, my Levi. Thanks for showing Mama how to laugh, how to let go and for teaching me that sound effects really are appropriate in every situation.



You truly are a gift. The best birthday present a Mama could ask for!


Love,

Your Mama

Seeing the Good

I have been aching to write this post.

Before Olivia's letter, I left you with a heaviness. It is where I am and have been yes, but it is not ALL of where I have been or where I am.

There is so much more to it.

I feel strongly the importance of facing the hardness of life and the goodness of God and how they work together. I feel strongly the importance of talking about it. Being real and honest. Not pretending that there isn't, excuse my crudeness, crap to deal with on a daily basis. Such as difficulties in marriage, raising children, disappointments in life, sin ever-invading...

But I also feel strongly the importance of sharing the good that God has brought from it or is bringing. The gifts He gives us in the daily. Where and how He blesses. We are all so different, therefore the blessings look a little different.

We should never live in the past. But what a waste it would be to not learn from it. To appreciate the good, to recognize the blessings. To give thanks for what He has given. And to share with others.

Isn't that what we work so hard to teach our children? To be honest, to give thanks, to share?

So here is my sharing of some of the gifts God has given me this past year and my choosing to see them...

#1 I must first begin with my husband. Please understand, I am not trying to be predictable.  But I must say these words to him and I must share my heart with others, because I believe it's important.

I was reminded through my mother complimenting Dustin over New Year's, of how I just don't say it enough.

I think life gets in the way too often and we focus on the stresses and the not fast enough's and the not as I would have done it's... And we miss the heart behind the man. Our men. And instead of complimenting and showing appreciation, WE fall short and nag instead.

I'm not a huge 'nagger' (at least I wouldn't say so), but I do too often stay quiet on the other side of things. I just don't say thanks enough.

So, I am saying it now.

Thanks, Babe, for all you do for me and for the kids.

I know you say you don't do much, but you really do. A lot is found in the little. Especially over the last several months when I was down physically or emotionally. You stepped up, you took over and you didn't make me feel bad for it. You were the support I needed when I didn't feel like I could stand anymore, or take yet another blow. You stood up for what was right. You prayed with me. You took the kids, you made us dinner, you cleaned up the kitchen and did the laundry and put them to bed, so I could do what needed doing or not do. I don't think I would have survived well without you.

In the past, the stresses of life had a tendency to tear us apart, to divide, to cause strife and trouble between us. I am so thankful things are different now. Instead, we have come together and acted as a team. I am so thankful. You are one of my biggest blessings, and you shone brightly in the midst of so much darkness. And I thank you.

#2 I have been struck hard by the significance of the church in a believer's life. 'Church' has always been an integral part of my life. I don't remember a time when I wasn't involved in a local church. It's just the way it was. It was never a fight or a drudgery. I loved it. It was important to me, I wanted to be there, even as a young child.

But I don't think I truly appreciated how vital it is to a believer's soul.

When our pastor left, we were devastated. I think I mentioned before that I just wanted to close the doors for a while, take some time to mourn, recover in the silence, in the darkness. I was frustrated when the very next Sunday we were there, sitting on the front pew, singing, worshiping, and yes, crying. Can't I do this alone? On my bathroom floor??

I wondered how our assistant pastor was able to give the sermon he did that day. How the singers were able to lead the congregation without falling apart. How people walked about smiling and chatting, talking together as if nothing had happened. But that wasn't true. Not a single person in that sanctuary didn't feel what had happened.

Over the weeks that followed, as my mind continued to process and grieve over our loss, I began to see more and more. I began to understand.

It was something our assistant pastor said early on... "This isn't our church. These aren't our ministries. They are all God's and He doesn't need us to hold them together. That's His job." (or at least something close to that)

While I was laid up on the couch dealing with pregnancy sickness that one verse from Colossians kept coming to my mind.

He is before all things, and in HIM all things hold together. 1:17

And something else that struck me as I later opened my Bible to let that one verse roll over me, was the very next verse.

And HE is the HEAD of the body, the church; HE is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything HE might have the supremacy. v.18

There it was, all neatly packaged together. For me on those days of sickness and doubt and grief over my church. Christ was still at work and even working through our suffering body. Just as He was working through MY suffering body, knitting together new life inside.

#3 I have also been so encouraged by the true friendship and the sisterhood we have in Christ. Making friends has always been a hard thing for me. But last year I was determined to lay aside my insecurities and give it all I had. To share my life with others and be welcomed into theirs. What a difference it has made.

At my lowest points I was able to pick up the phone or shoot an email, to let someone know I needed prayer. And I knew they were praying. I was able to share in our Play and Pray group and I was encouraged and refreshed.

Recently my children and I did a short study on the different gifts God has given each of us. Spiritual gifts and what that means. It was fun hearing their thoughts on what kinds of gifts God gives us... We eventually made our way to the Bible to find out what these gifts were really all about. As I was looking through my Bible trying to find that one passage, I came across verses like these...

The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ... 1Cor. 12:12

Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. vs. 14

If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. vs. 26

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. vs. 27

Again I was struck. Mostly by the simplicity of the picture of a working body, with arms and legs, head and shoulders, and yes, knees and toes... When a part of the body suffers, the whole of the body suffers, over compensating for the wounded area, protecting it and sheltering it from further damage. The smallest of cuts can evoke a sense of greatest awareness. We tend to it, we are more careful, move at a slower pace.

I was so thankful for the opportunity to see the working body of Christ. To experience those coming along side of  me. Picking up where I had to leave off. Tenderly caring for my wounds. You all have my deepest gratitude.

#4 Another true blessing was the gift of family. Like all families we have had our up's and down's. There have been times of pain and growth, hurt feelings and grudges, things left unsaid and things that should have been left unsaid... We all have those times (right?). We have not gone without our struggles.

 

Letting my sister 'go' caused a pain I hadn't before experienced. Oh there has been pain before, but this was different. It wasn't like a spouse or child or parent pain. It was a sister pain. But thankfully, good is coming from it.

The night before Javier, Cally and Elijah left, we all got together for one of Cally's favorite meals of mine... Beef Stroganoff and homemade bread. Javier wasn't quite sure, but I think he ended up liking it!

After the meal Javier started to speak. We were all taken by surprise at the intensity of his voice and the words that were coming from his mouth. They were words directed towards his family... his American family. These words did not come without reaction or response, because these words evoked healing. There were tears shed, understanding took place, forgiveness given and accepted.

Would it have happened if I had not been required to say good-bye to my sister?

The same night we were asked to release a sister, we embraced a brother.

God has a way of doing that doesn't He. Taking something, but then replacing it with another. So how can we only grieve? How can we not choose to see the good that comes from the deep pain...

#5 The little things.

And there are a million of them.  So I will spare you and not list them all here. But they are in my heart and in my book.

I am glad I can be thankful for-

Being able to do dishes, or having someone else do them for me when I couldn't.

For puppy-dog-boys

Words like "Bu-cept" (except)

Simple meals of macaroni (the gourmet Kraft kind) and carrots for dinner...

...and not having a husband that complains!

A girl who is eager to help and is really a help!

medicine for indigestion

Like I said, there are a million and I could go on for days. All these little things add up to great big things that are so helpful when you are trying to 'make it through another day'.

I just couldn't leave you (or myself) hanging on that one post... because it just wasn't all of the story.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

No in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Romans 8:35,37