My Boy

The past couple of days have been a bit of a bummer for me. I have been layed up sick with a sinus infection. My head feels like it is swimming, nothing seems to stay still. I am ok as long as I am sitting or lying down. But even sitting things seem to keep swaying.

This time has given me a chance to think. That can be good and bad. How about I just stick with the good...

I have been really discouraged as a mother lately. Specifically since coming back from Ukraine, but even before that.

My kids are growing up more and more each day. Am I failing them? is not the question. Rather, HOW am I failing them? We will all fail our children in some capacity. It is something we just have to come to terms with being fallen, human beings.

But it can't stop there. It still doesn't make it ok. It is still sin. And seeing my sin reflected back to me in the faces of my children has really been discouraging for me. I have felt overwhelmed, convicted. Can someone just send me to my room? How about a time-out? I would take it gladly!

I keep pressing on, albeit, sometimes weakly. But press on I must! This is the greatest responsibility that God has and will ever give me. Ukraine - Smukraine! This is what matters most right now. And just when I think that I might give up, God shows me that, yes, He is still among us. He is still teaching. He hasn't forgotten me or my children. He is still faithful.

I haven't written much about Deacon I was noticing the other day. He is my second born. First son. And has one of the most tender hearts I have seen in a young child. He's not real talkative. Very shy. Not too funny, although he loves to laugh! I think sometimes he gets overshadowed by his very talkative sister and jokester of a brother. But I don't think he minds. He doesn't mind being in the background or behind the scenes. He is content to let them steal the show.

I am noticing that when Deacon does have something to say, unless he is whining, it would be a good thing to stop and listen.

Let me give some background to the situation I am getting ready to share with you.

For Christmas Aunt Ashley wanted to take each child on a date for some one-on-one auntie time. I had the privilege of picking which child would go first. All the kids were aware that Friday would be the day and that mommy would be watching all week to see which child 'deserved' to go the most.

Olivia took it the most serious. "Was I good enough today, Mommy? Will you pick me for Friday?" In fact, she had been very good. I was proud of her for trying so hard.

Deacon on the other hand wasn't trying as hard. In fact, he had gotten in trouble a lot during the week.

Friday morning came and I had decided that even though Deacon didn't 'deserve' it as much as the others, I thought he 'needed' it the most. I proceeded to explain this to my children.

"Sometimes we have a hard time listening and making good choices because we are distracted by being sad or angry or maybe we don't feel special. So even though Deacon didn't have the best behavior this week, I am picking him because I want him to feel special so that maybe it might be a little easier for him to obey." ...or something close to that...

It was so priceless watching his face light up. Olivia on the other hand wasn't as 'lit up'. In fact she burst into tears! I was a little surprised. We have really been working on being happy for others even when they get something we didn't and I have seen a big improvement in her. But this time, she clearly was not happy for her brother.

Deacon didn't wasted anytime reaching out to her, literally and figuratively.

"You can have my turn, Yivie."

"What did you say?" I asked.

"I want her to go first, Mom. You can go first, Yivie."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Mmm Hmm."

That was something I didn't expect to hear from my son that day. It was a gift that I didn't expect from my Lord that day either.

It was a reassurance to my mother-heart that even when I am not loving them enough, teaching them enough, doing the very best for my kids... He is. Praise God! I need all the help I can get!!

My Life a Book

I only wish...

One of my favorite things to do is read.

As a child I would often get in trouble for reading instead of doing my school work. It is almost like an obsession. Once I start, I have to finish. That obsessive tendency I had then still remains today unfortunately. So I have to limit myself. Set boundaries so to speak.  I will very easily neglect my job as wife and mother and completely indulge myself in the pages of a book. In other words, reading can be dangerous for me.

It can be dangerous for me in other ways as well.

When I was a teenager I read incessantly. Good books. Christian books. Fiction and non-fiction alike. Historical fiction was my favorite. It was something I truly loved.

It wasn't until a couple of years ago as I was trying to decide what to do with all of my books that I began thinking about all of that reading I did. And what that reading did to me.

I was dissatisfied with my life. I was discontent. I was in a hurry. I wanted what I did not have. So I in turn complained, grumbled against God and dreamed of what my future would hold... *sigh*

And then my future came to be.

I was a wife *poof!*

I very quickly became a mother *poof!*

Then I became a mother again.... *poof!*

...and again... *poof!*

This was what I wanted, spent years whining because I did not have it. Shouldn't I be happy?

I wanted my life to be like those in the books that I read. Not that they were without problems, but they were easily and quickly and very lovingly resolved. There was pain, yes. Heartache, of course. Trouble, always. Otherwise there wouldn't be a reason for 'him' to come and save the day?

There were also chapters and chapter titles. A plot one could easily follow, sometimes predict. There was a dilemma and a resolution. A hero. A beginning, middle and end. I think that was the part that I liked the best. It was clear cut, black and white. You knew that the chapter had ended and a new one had begun. There was always an ending that left you feeling satisfied... or at least a sequel that would.

Once I realized this I was convicted. I knew that the way I viewed life, my life, had to change. It wasn't a book. That's not real life. Life is unpredictable. It's messy. Confusing. Not always mapped out. Mundane. There are disappointments. Sometimes you have to play the hero. The ending isn't always satisfying.

But I was still left with the problem of... what to do with all of these books? Did I really want to get rid of them? They were my babies. Many of them I had read numerous times. How could I let them go?
So I decided to put them in my yard sale and that if they didn't sell (and I was certain they wouldn't) then I would keep them.

Well have you ever heard the saying, "God has a sense of humor"? I can attest that He does.

A lady pulled into by my yard, walked right up to me and asked if I had any books. Surprised I said yes and pointed to the boxes. She didn't even look through them, just asked me how much I wanted for them.

"All of them?" astonished I asked.
"Yes, all of them."
"Do you realize that there are over 100 books there and you haven't even looked at a single one of them?" still astonished.
"Yes, well I'm sure they will be read by someone in my house. Is $45 enough? That's all the money I have."
"$45? But you don't know what you are buying!!" I informed her.
"Like I said, someone will read them."
She handed me the money and she and her daughter proceeded to load the boxes into her car.
I stood dumbfounded. And I watched her load them all up and drive away. My books were gone. All of them. Just like that. Gone.

I was surprised at the emotion I felt. I didn't realize just how attached I had become and how hard it was to let them all go.

So how does this relate to me and today?

I have been fighting the desire again, wishing that my life was like a book. I just want to know what is going to happen next. I would even be satisfied with just knowing the plot, I don't have to have the details. I want to be able to turn to that page. How do I know I am following the story line?

This has been my struggle since coming back from Ukraine. The problem is, we don't know what is going to happen. Sometimes we aren't even aware of what has already happened! Only God knows and it should be enough that He does. Unfortunately for me, that's not always enough and I am left with an inward battle. Wishing I had the answers now and wishing I had faith enough to trust.

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." ps. 139:16

See, there is a book. God is the author. One day there will be an end and we will know that end has come.

Will He say, "Well done, good and faithful servant"? mt. 25:21

Home

I have been home 5 days now. It has been so wonderful being with my husband and children. I have enjoyed seeing all they have had to show me and hearing all they have had to tell me.

But it has been hard as well. I was really hoping I would bye-pass this part of the mission trip. Why does coming home and readjusting to life have to be so hard?

I am not struggling this time with being back in America and being away from Ukraine. Last time that was a huge part of the struggle for me. I felt guilty for being an American and living in America.

This time has been different. This trip was so different. We saw God work in ways that we could have never imagined. We saw Him take the victory in these women's lives. We saw Him use us! It was mind blowing.

Then I come home to three whiny children who have been without their mother for two weeks and appear to have forgotten all that I have worked so hard to instill in them for the past, oh I don't know, their entire lives!!

And I am left with the overwhelming feeling of, I can't do this. How could I have the courage to go to a foreign country and speak to women who speak a foreign language about their abortions and a God who wants to heal them. And not have the courage or even the ability to speak to my five year old about his bad attitude?

I have felt very weak and inadequate and overwhelmed with my inability.

It's crazy how you can go from such a high 'high' to such a low 'low'. I don't really know how to make sense of it or how to shake it. It just doesn't seem right and I feel so self-focused. Hmm... reminds me of a lesson I just taught last week on depression. Maybe I should go and reteach it... to myself.

Adjusting

I am minutes from seeing my family. They will be here to get me very soon. We had to fly into Charlotte and a friend picked us up and brought us to Columbia which is where we spent the night. I am enjoying the last seconds of quiet because I know as soon as I open that door it will resemble nothing of quiet or any kind of order! But I can’t wait. It’s been too quiet for too long!

I have been praying that God would lead us through this adjustment period. It is hard coming back from anywhere and getting back into the ‘swing of things’. Especially after a trip like this.

Last time we came back from Ukraine, it was just hard being back in America. Hard being ok with being an American, maybe some of you can relate. You almost feel guilty. I don’t think I will have those same feelings this time, but I’m afraid of the feelings I will have.

I don’t know what they will be. I don’t know what emotions I will have. Or what frustrations I will come against. But it is enough that God knows about them.

Pray against attack for each of us. Michelle and Yura as they return back to school and work. And for me, my children and Dustin. Satan doesn’t want us to continue to walk in victory or in the joy that God has given us. He wants to steal it away and make us think that it never happened, and never will again.

Pray that as I start homeschooling again this week I will have renewed patience and diligence. Right now I am very overwhelmed by that thought!

Pray that as I adjust back to Beaufort time I wont be a grouch.

Pray that God gives us good conversation and opportunities to see His power and grace in our lives.

Thank you.

Coming Home

We are going on 17 hours of travel right now.  And we have several more to go. We are on the long flight across the Atlantic. The more I travel the more I hate it. Thankfully there is always something wonderful on the other side. Right now I am trying to stay awake for some reason. We didn’t get business class like we had hoped and I don’t really want to try and sleep in this uncomfortable chair. Otherwise it will make me feel worse I think than if I just try and stay awake. So if things don’t make sense, you know why.

I cannot wait to get ahold of my children and my husband and plant a nice wet kiss on each of them!! I can’t believe it has really been 2 weeks since I saw them. Being away from them was the thing I was most worried about. That I would be all consumed with missing them. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to focus on what I had come to do.

But thankfully God provided in that area as well. I didn’t miss them to the point of distraction like I expected to. That probably makes me sound like a terrible wife and mother! But in reality it was another very specific answer to my prayer. I have been away from them before and missed them so much I was absolutely useless. I knew it couldn’t be like that this time. We had to be extremely focused. And I knew that I would not be able to do it on my own. I am thankful God didn’t allow me to feel useless until about two days ago.

After the study ended I experienced a lot of emotion.  It took me a few days to process what I was feeling and put words to it. I still don’t think I have the right words.

I was so overwhelmed with what I had watched God do. I was overwhelmed with what I had heard from these 3 women. What they had come as and who they had left as! I was overwhelmed that God had chosen to use us, that He had seen fit to privilege us with this opportunity. I am forever grateful. I was, and still am, overwhelmed with the weight of this burden. What’s next is what I keep asking myself. Is what I have been asked by so many. When are you coming back? When can we do this again? How can we do it better next time? When are you going to learn Russian?? I wish I had an answer to all of those questions. What is post-abortion ministry supposed to look like now in this small city of Vinnytsia?

And then I was overwhelmed with the tremendous desire to be home. To be with my children. To be with my husband, who has been such a wonderful support. He has had to sacrifice so much so that I could fulfill this calling. It is not just me who God called, but him too. It didn’t overwhelm me until it could.

It reminds me of the time when I got in a car accident. I was 18 and was on the way to church. Of course I had my sister and one of the pastor’s kids in the car with me! Yeah, perfect timing… I held it together while talking to the police, filling out the report, receiving my ticket. But once it was all taken care of and a good friend stopped by to help out, I lost it. I was a shaking, crying mess.

Thankfully I haven’t been too much of a mess. But I do feel extremely anxious to get home. I just can’t get there fast enough! I am willing the plane to move faster and faster.

I’m comin’ HOME!!!

 

Saying Good-Bye

A last day anywhere is sad, unless of course it’s the hospital or prison. 

A last day in Vinnytsia is always sad.

There are so many wonderful people here. So many people to say ‘good-bye’ to. So many people to miss.

The last time I let Ukraine, I didn’t come back for 4.5 years. I would have never predicted that it would have taken that long to return.  I know that everything happens in God’s timing and His perfect plan, but we are still left to wonder. Saying good-bye is still hard. And I still cry.

I think back on my last trip there. It was so different from this one. We were helping our friends Misha and Natasha lead an English camp for University students. We also did some orphanage ministry. It was a good trip. We met a lot of people. Our hearts were exposed to a lot. But when I left, the feeling I had was, ‘well, that was fun.’ We didn’t lead anyone to Christ. No one made any huge life altering decisions. We didn’t SEE any fruit. I guess I thought it should have been more… impactful? At least I expected to see the impact.

But you don’t always see it. And sometimes when you see it, it comes after a long time of waiting. This is what I am learning.

Yulya was a young girl who came to the English camp. She was quiet and reserved, but I felt drawn to her. I don’t remember any deep conversations we had. But I did remember her face. And I did pray for her. Michelle told me that she had gotten saved a few months after we had left. I was excited.

Over the years I heard her name in passing conversation. I wondered about her life and what God was doing. I never dreamed that God would give me more time with her. But He did. And this past week I got to see some beautiful fruit.

I know I have mentioned before how special it was having her translate for me. But I want you to understand. The last time we said good-bye there was no reason on earth that we should say hello again. Even after I heard that she had received Christ, I never imagined that God would cross our paths again.

But that is how God usually works isn’t it. And he usually waits until the last minute to let you know.

My friend Natasha was supposed to be my translator. I was so sad when I heard that she was not able to do it because of her back. And when I heard that Yulya was going to translate for us, I still didn’t make the connection. I don’t think it hit me until we were saying good-bye today.

She is such a precious young woman. Like each of us, God has walked her through some difficult times. But unlike a lot of us, she is persevering. And not only gritting her teeth through it, she is growing step by step through God’s power and grace in her life.

I was so blessed and encouraged by her presence and hard work. She had a hard job, talking for everyone, but she did is so well. We were like two dancers completely in sync, not missing a beat. That is so crucial, especially in this ministry. Communicating and being understood is so important. There is no room for mistake.

So I am encouraged, even though I am sad. Saying good-bye doesn’t always mean good-bye. It means see you later… and that is what have said so many times today. It’s not good-bye, it’s see  you soon.

 

A Squeezed Lemon

We have finished.

We are home.

We are exhausted.

I can’t explain to you what I am feeling. As we pulled away from the house I began to weep.  We had accomplished what we had come to do. And we firmly believe that God accomplished what He had set out to do before time began.

It was an overwhelming thought.

As we were driving through the snow, passing buildings and people walking, I was struck by how much I love this place. I almost don’t want to even try and explain to you. My thoughts and feelings are so precious to me. How can you possibly understand? How can you know?

I love this place differently than I have ever loved any other place. It’s not a sweet easy love.  It is harsh and raw. I am afraid of it. Almost because I don’t want it. But I have it and I feel I don’t have a choice. So what am I to do?

I see the faces of these women and I love them. I feel their pain. Their tears are my tears. And I love them.

I have wrestled this week. I have fought with every ounce of strength that I had. We walked amongst the dead, but now we rejoice with those who are alive. We came to them while they were in prison and handed them the key that had been handed to us. And we watched them as they place the key in the lock, turned it, opened the door and walked out.

We stand in awe and amazement. We watched as the light entered their eyes. Literally. And we watched as God answered prayer after prayer after prayer for these women…specifically. We saw his transforming power unfold before our very eyes. How can I share these things with you? How can you understand?

I feel I know what it was that Elijah felt after he had watched God take the victory over the prophets of Baal. And then he ran and hid. How should any of us survive after seeing the power of God? It is almost too much to endure. Our bodies and minds are so finite, so fragile.

 “I am a squeezed lemon” is a Ukrainian idiom. It means there is nothing left within me to give.

And that is what we feel. We have truly given our all and laid everything bare before God and these precious women. And now we wait for God’s renewing whisper. For He was not in the fire, He was not in the thunder, but the quiet, gentle wind…

Thank you for holding us up. Please continue to do so… we are far from done.