The past few days have been really hard for me. I have been struggling. Fighting fears and doubts. Not really feeling up to this big adventure I know I have been called to do. Not feeling adequate. Feeling anxious and nervous. Irritable, restless, not sleeping. And then I feel guilty for feeling all those things.
I am not what I imagined I would be. I didn't think these would be the feelings I would be having the days leading up to our departure. I thought I would be feeling strong, fearless, excited. But I don't. Quite the opposite. I feel weak, scared and dread.
I hesitated sharing these things. I don't want to appear weak and unsure. I don't want people to worry that I might fail. I want you to have faith in me.
And that is why I must share these things. Because otherwise you might have faith in me.
I have continued reading about the prophet Amos in F. Rivers' book. How timely this has been for me. Because I feel very much like a sheep right now, ready to dart at the slightest rustle in the bushes. I have desperately needed my Shepherd's reassurance.
After a wolf had come and threatened his flock, Amos stood in their midst and waited for them to calm. He sang psalms to them so that they would be comforted. One by one they layed back down. His presence calmed them. He went back to the narrow gate and layed down across the opening so that he made himself a barrier against anything else that might come and threaten his flock.
This past week I have been my biggest threat. I have been calling out to God, a
sking His forgiveness for the waywardness of my heart. I so easily lose faith. Asking Him to come and stand in my midst so that I might be calmed, that I might hear His voice so that I might once again find rest.
Being the Good Shepherd He has done that.
He has come to me in very 'ordinary' ways, whispering to my heart, whispering to my fears, hooking my neck with his staff and pulling my stubborn self along forcing me to trust Him. I am thankful, but still feel a little shaky.
I am thankful that He has made Himself a barrier against the things that come and threaten me even when that something is myself. I don't have to be strong. He stands in the gap for me and each of us. He even stretches out across it. He sees the threats before they come. He is prepared, even when we are not. He sings to us to calm our fears. He holds us close so that we can be reassured. He loves us even when we are wayward, even when we don't trust Him. That is what He does. He can't do anything else, for He IS love.
Deuteronomy 33:12
Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.
We are His beloved, that is what HE calls us. He will shield us. He will carry us. He is the one we can have faith in. I'm so relieved.
3 comments:
still trying to learn how to type out a kissing sound...but here is my effort: mmwoa.
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Isn't it comforting to know that God remains just as faithful, even when we feel like our faith is wavering? And His power is perfected in our weakness - just think, if you were completely capable and confident all by yourself, you wouldn't need God! I think your feelings of fear and uncertainty are merely in order to cause you to run to Him for strength - as I know you are doing!
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