Watching God Move

I was so encouraged yesterday being in the presence of people who listen to and follow God's leading.

Michelle, Yura and I were invited to come and speak at Seaside Vineyard Church about our trip. We were so appreciative. We actually spoke to the congregation in both services!! How awesome! I was blown away by the response of everyone. Talking about post-abortion ministry can be a hard thing for a pastor. It can be seen as too intrusive, too in your face. But Mark and the people of Seaside were so gracious and truly supportive.

We had several people come up and talk with us afterward. Some shared  painful stories. Some were led to give us money. One person told me that someone owed them money and knowingly gave more than was owed, telling them to keep the extra. This person felt like God had given them that unexpected blessing in order to bless us. I was so encouraged.

A few months ago I was feeling very discouraged. Going on a mission trip is not as romantic a venture as some like to think... as I thought before embarking on this journey. I was surprised to find out that there was paper work involved and phone calls, crunching numbers, sitting at the computer for long hours typing! This isn't ministry!! I'm staring at a computer screen for crying out loud!! But these things are part of ministry. Dealing with my own bad attitudes and people with bad attitudes is part of it too. Getting your feelings hurt, being shot down occasionally - ok, a lot - wanting to quit. Yep, this is all part of 'ministry'.

So when I finally began realizing all of this, I wasn't sure I wanted to continue. But then I remembered, oh yeah, we already bought our tickets... shoot. And then God reminded me, in a very powerful way, that it wasn't my desire, it wasn't my heart, it wasn't because of me any of this was happening. It's because God has a desire for post-abortion women to find healing. He is the reason I even have an awareness of this need. None of it came from anything I did.

He will make it happen. He will give me what I need when I need it. He will move in the hearts of people and I have the privilege of standing back and watching Him work.

So thank you God for using the people of Seaside to remind me of this fact. I get weary, I get discouraged, I even want to give up sometimes - several times a day in fact. But I can't and I wont until you call me to something else.

Like I was telling one of my sons this morning, sometimes we have to do hard things. We have to make a choice to do the right thing. And doing the right thing doesn't always feel right because is it so hard to do. I think it's time to start listening to my own advice...

Therefore, TAKE up the full armor of God, that you may be able to RESIST in the evil day, and having DONE everything, to STAND FIRM. STAND FIRM therefore, having GIRDED your loins with truth, and having PUT ON the breastplate of righteousness, and having SHOD your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, TAKING UP the shield of faith... and TAKE the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. With all PRAYER and PETITION, PRAY at all times in the Spirit and with this in view, be on the ALERT with all PERSEVERANCE and PETITION for all the saints... Ephesians 6:13

A Refrigerator of Regrets

I pride myself on being a neat house keeper.

But there is one area in my house that I am NOT good at keeping clean. My refrigerator.

Dustin, my husband, prides himself on being a 'relaxed' house keeper. In other words, he doesn't care as much. And yes, that has produced lots of marital strife over the last 8.5 years. =)

But even my 'relaxed' husband finds my refrigerator, well, disgusting. I have found him many times taking containers out, sniffing it, gagging, then putting it down the disposal. God bless him.

I don't know what it is about it. I just hate cleaning it out. Sometimes I wont even want to cook because I know I will have to open the fridge! This really is a problem... and people are reading this...!

Well, a couple of days ago I was looking for a rubber maid container but couldn't find any. I looked in the dishwasher, it was empty. I started to blame it on the kids, they sometimes use them in the bath and stuff. But I knew they couldn't have all 25 of them. I slowly turned towards the dreaded fridge... I opened the door... Sure enough, 25 nights worth of left overs crammed on the shelves one on  top of each other. I quickly closed the door and ran screaming out of the now smelly kitchen.

Not really, but almost.

As I was standing there starring into my gross fridge a thought came to me. Anywhere, but here. I'll clean anything but not my fridge. I'll organize anything, just not that. You can go anywhere in my house, but there. It's so easy to hide. So easy to ignore.

That is, until I need a rubber maid container.

Then I asked myself, what in my life do I treat like my refrigerator?

 I thought of the sin in my life.... and that lead me to think of my regrets.

Those are the areas of my life that I don't really like to talk about. I don't want to go there and I definitely don't want you going there with me. But what about God? Do I let Him go there? How? How do you take God to those places? I don't know.

Since I already told you one big secret of mine, I might as well tell you another. When I think of regrets, there are many that come to mind. One in particular...

Several years ago I was a  leader in the youth group. Somehow I was either given the responsibility or simply took it upon myself to make sure every girl who came through the doors of that place was not only there to focus on Jesus, but was also dressed in a way that would allow the guys to focus on Jesus too. It was a holy calling and one that I did not take lightly or ignore at any cost. And oh, how costly.

During that time as I carried out my noble duty, I'm sure I had 'discussions' with many of those young girls. In my self-righteousness all I could see was how right I was and how wrong they were. All I saw was the outward appearance, the spaghetti-straps, shirts too low, too much thigh. Oops, was that some belly I just saw? I was so busy policing there wasn't even a chance for ministering to take place.

At one point I became so frustrated. What about the RULES!!!! Why can't they just follow the RULES!!! One Friday night I unleashed my frustration on one unsuspecting young lady. I told her she had to leave. You can't be here dressed like that. Don't come if you can't follow the rules. Unfortunately, that was the one rule she chose to follow. She never came back.

You did the right thing, I was told. She CAN'T be here dressed like that. Don't feel bad. It's not your fault.

But it was my fault. I do feel bad. It wasn't right. Why did it have to be that way?

What had happened to grace? It had been replaced with my self-righteousness. Why was that ok? To this very day I regret what took place. I regret that because I thought I was better than her, I was more holy because I was more modest, she left and never came back.

What if I would have tried to have a conversation with her, asked her questions, showed her grace, showed her how Jesus loves? Would things have been different?

That's the hard thing about regrets. The what if's. Because we will never know.

I would love to tell her that I'm sorry. That I was wrong, so wrong. I would ask her to forgive me.

There are more rubber maid containers that I could open and share with you. A lot of them much smellier, a lot sadder. But instead how about I leave you with a more pleasant thought?

The only way I know how to approach my regrets is through the redeeming grace of God. We all have those smelly places in our lives that are so much easier to keep hidden behind tightly sealed doors. We like to polish the door of our lives and make the stainless steel finish shine. We hang pretty magnets on the outside to distract others from what's really inside. We come down hard on the ones who accidentally leave theirs open. Close it! Quick! Don't you know better?!?

That's not grace. Even if we say it with a smile.

I'm not sure I spoke with a smile that night. But I know for a fact that I did not show her grace. I did not approach her as our Redeemer would have. No one can really say how Christ would have handled that particular instance, but I know it would have been different. Because what we see in the gospels each time He dealt with people is always in direct opposition to how we would have handled them. He TOUCHED the leper, He healed on the SABBATH, He ATE with SINNERS, He DEFENDED and FORGAVE the the prostitute. His followers were those who were the worst kind of sinner. He was gentle with them, compassionate, forgiving. Instead it was the 'holy' ones he was hard on.

So how does this redeeming grace work? I'm obviously no scholar. Everything that I say has been said before by others much smarter than I and with a lot more (successful) experience. So with that said.... This is how I see it:

It's like this, if I hadn't left that smelly container of moldy whatever in the fridge. I would have never experienced the sweetness of watching my husband clean it out for me. And if I had not told you about my gross fridge and risked you never wanting to come over to my house again, then you would have never known how sweet my husband can be... when he wants to anyway!

Now apply that to our sin/regrets (smelly rubber maid containers) and our great God (Dustin - oh, wont he love this one!)

Because He has lavished His grace on us, we have the freedom to then grant others grace too. Without sin, we would never have the opportunity to experience true grace. How neat of God to use something so terrible to in the end, bring Himself glory. Mind blowing.

I wish I could tell you that my figurative refrigerator is always kept clean. But like my literal one, it's not. And I wish that every time I needed to extend grace to someone I would. But I don't. I look forward to the day when I wont even need a refrigerator and when His work will be completed in me.

Latest Happenings on the Ukraine Trip

I can't believe we only have 5.5 weeks left until we leave.

And that means 5 weeks until Christmas... but that's a whole other load of stress.

We have been speaking to churches and anyone who will listen really. I love it when people ask me about what we will be doing. I love talking about this ministry. But it wasn't always so.

I hesitate sometimes. I don't really know what to say, how to say it. Because I don't know who I'm talking to. So instead of coming out with it, I don't really say anything, I leave them guessing. But that only makes them more interested. When I eventually tell them what kind of ministry I look embarrassed, then they become uncomfortable... I'm really good at making people feel uncomfortable.

But I think all of that is changing, at least the hesitating part.

Talking about post-abortion ministry is hard for me. Not because I am ashamed. Not because I don't want to be associated with. Not because I am embarrassed. It's none of those, not even close.

I LOVE this ministry. I LOVE these women. I LOVE seeing God's healing unfold before my very eyes. Really, it is that dramatic.

I just don't want to make you uncomfortable. I want to be sensitive. I want to tread lightly. But really, I think I have been afraid. I am being convicted of that.

A couple of weeks ago I went to the Abortion Recovery Assistance Training Institute. It was a four day intense training on how to facilitate the Forgiven and Set Free Bible Study. I have been before, but this was different. It truly was amazing. Did I mention how much I LOVE being apart of this ministry??

I stayed with the director of the Piedmont Women's Center in Greenville. While there, she shared a story that really struck me. She had been talking with a friend and her friend's friend about what her work involved. She sensed that she needed to ask her friend's friend if he had an abortion in his past. So she did. Just like that. He responded with, "I can't believe I am telling you this, but yes, I do." Afterwards her friend said to her, "I can't believe the kind of boldness you have to just ask him that. You really do have a calling don't you?" Then she told us that we must have a boldness when talking about post-abortion ministry, because you never know who you are talking to.

Hey, that was my line.

That was my reason for NOT talking about it with people.

Then at some point during the training, one of the teachers reinforced the same thought. She told us that some of us might be flying home that weekend. And that person sitting next to us might need to hear about this ministry. She challenged us to take every opportunity to talk about the healing power of God through post-abortion ministry.

I was so convicted. How could God use me in this ministry if I am walking in fear of making someone uncomfortable. Sometimes that is necessary in order for God to show us our need. We have to feel the pain, the void before God can fill it. How else would we be aware of His workings? How else would we know Him as our redeemer? How else would He be glorified?

So I am praying for a boldness. A sensitive, gentle boldness.

Back to the update.... 

We will be speaking at Seaside Vineyard this Sunday. We have sent out support letters. I am waiting to hear an update on the progress in Ukraine from our team there. In the mean time there is a lot of studying to do. A lot of praying. A lot to get ready.

We are coming down to crunch time. And we covet your prayers. Not just for us, but for the 6 lovely women whom God wants to show Himself to....

Tears

     

What makes us cry?

What makes you cry?

What makes God cry?

I have been thinking about tears a lot the past few days.

I don't like to admit the fact that I am a cryer, but I am. I cry often. In fact, I'm tearing up right now just writing about crying. It's not unusual for me to start crying when I see someone else crying, regardless if I'm sad or not.

Just seeing someone else cry moves me to tears.

Up until now I thought that was because I tend to be too easily enmeshed emotionally. Your emotions become my emotions. I get to a point when it's hard for me to differentiate between my emotions and yours. It's an involuntary happening. It has always made me uncomfortable. I guess because I feel weak.

But I am learning that there is more to my crying than just the act of producing tears. In fact, the more I learn about our God and Creator, the more I learn about myself and the reason we are the way we are. Although we are each uniquely created, we are all created in the image of God. Therefore we are similar in nature, we can relate to one another.

We all have times of deep emotion whether sadness or joy. We experience unforgettable love, whether children or lovers, parents or friends or siblings... We get angry, we are jealous. We desire justice. We see beauty, we create beauty. We feel sorrow and exuberance.

Maybe I am late in realizing this, but I think I am beginning to understand something. An idea, a thought that I have never really considered before. It is so easy to take advantage of the fact that we feel and move and breathe... and cry. But even these things, especially these things, reflect our glorious creator. Because we are His image bearers. Nothing else in creation reflects Him like we do. That's why we can truly say there are no ugly people, that everyone has a purpose, no one is a mistake. But I want to go even further than that and say, not even our tears are wasted. God can even be seen in those.

We cry because God cries.

We laugh because God laughs.

We love because He loved us.

We experience emotion, deep emotion, because God does too.

"And when He approached, He saw the city and wept over it."         Luke 19:41

One of the most moving stories in the Bible having to do with tears is found in Luke 7. Jesus was having dinner with Simon, who was a Pharisee. As they sat down to eat, a woman approached Jesus. She knelt at Jesus' feet and cried. Her tears flowed over Jesus' feet as she wept. It didn't matter who was there or what they thought. She cried before her Saviour in gratitude for the forgiveness of her sin. She cried because where there once had been a black void of deep pain and unforgiveness, had now been renewed with the Light of Christ. She had been released from her burden of guilt. She was now free. She not only knew Jesus as her Saviour, she was now intimately acquainted with Him as her Redeemer. She had been overcome completely by her tears. And it was ok. Jesus even defended her by saying in the gospel of Matthew, "She has done a good deed... and wherever this gospel is preached in the whole world, what this woman had done shall also be spoken of in memory of her." She is remembered for her tears. Not only her tears, but what they mean.

God gives us permission to cry. He even welcomes our tears. He understands them. Because He has cried too.

"Blessed are you who hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh." Luke 6:21

And I'm learning that it's ok to cry when other people cry. Our tears move Him to tears too.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15

None of them are wasted. They are all accounted for. He watches them as they fall from your face, drip off your chin, run down your neck. He knows your pain, your gratitude, your fear, your anger, your sorrow, your joy. Tears are a gift. They bring healing, relief.

"Thou hast taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Thy bottle; are they not in Thy book?" Psalm 56:8

But one day we wont need them anymore. There will be no reason for tears. We who know Him have experienced the healing power of His forgiveness and love. We have been changed and we are thankful. But there will come a day when we will be changed forever, when we will be glorified in Him. Complete.

"For the Lamb in the center of the throne shall be their shepherd, and shall guide them to springs of the water of life; and God shall wipe every tear from their eyes." Revelation 7:17

I will be glad to hand in my tissues. My eyes are soggy, as Deacon used to say.

Our Jewels

I thought I would send out a quick update on what we decided to name our kittens. I was reminded the other day that I had failed to do so...

It was such a hard decision. Crazy, I know. There are so many other hard decisions in life, why make this one difficult as well?

But I have always been a name person. I'd like to have more children just so I could give them a name. Weird, I know. I mean, I'd love them too...

Anyway, after asking everyone for help here and on facebook, it still took us a week to decide. We kept calling them a different name every couple of hours to see if it fit. I was about to give up and just call them both 'kitty' but that would never do.

I was sitting on my bed cuddled up with one thinking of how precious they had become to us. I was so glad that I had followed my heart and adopted them.

Hmmm... precious... what's precious...?

Then it hit me! Jewels! So I called her Pearl to see if it fit... and it did!! I went and found the other one and it was so obvious. Her name was Ruby.

So there you have it! Purrl (we know that the spelling is not correct, but thought it would be a fun kitty spelling) and Ruby are their names.
                                                       Our little jewels.

Ukraine Update

I didn't really know what I was signing up for when I said, "Sure, God, I'll go..." But do we ever know all of the details and bumps in the road ahead of time?? If we did, I'm sure we'd say no.

When I went to my session to ask for prayer and financial support for this trip I quickly realized I had no idea what I was doing. And mid-way through the meeting I thought I'd let them know that fact, in case they hadn't already figured that out. They had.

The next day I got a call from my associate pastor, who thankfully is a good friend. Because, although he was very gracious to me, he basically said, girl you are a mess, you need to get it together! If he had been anyone else I would have had a very nice pity party for myself, tears and all. But instead of leaving me to flounder all by myself, he said he'd help me. He did.

The administration side of a mission trip totally overwhelms me. I am the type of person that no matter how hard I try, I can not balance my check book or pay the bills on time. In fact, since we're talking about it, I'm just now realizing it's the 4th and I haven't paid the rent. Oops. So organizing something like this that has no previous formula or model to follow, well let's just say, is totally and completely beyond me. But thankfully I have people like John and my s-i-l Amy to help me with all of that. And thankfully I have a God who loves me just the way I am, but doesn't want to leave me that way. I am being stretched and grown in ways I never expected. I am.

That brings me to today. The two big things on the agenda this week were: to settle on a "sending agent" and to finish our prayer cards. Never did I expect either of these to be so emtionally charged or so incredibly time consuming.... to say the least. But they were and I'm glad it's settled. Michelle talked with some missionary friends in Vinnitsa, Ukraine this morning. Her and her husband already have a ministry established that is run out of California. I wont bore you with details, b/c believe me we'd both be in tears. So to avoid a very long story, they have agreed to be our "sending agent." And the thing I like most about this, is it's called Heart of Ukraine Ministries. How appropriate.

We were also able to get our prayers cards printed today thanks to the wonderful people at St. Helena's Episcopla Church. I also have to give a shout out to my friend Kristy, who hooked me up! Thanks, girl. We finally have those to hand out. Yeah! So beware the next time I see you, I will make you take one home and hang it on your refridgerator. I will.

I would love to go on about all the ways I have been encouraged by people today. I woke up early this morning and spent some time in prayer. I ended by saying, God I just need to hear from you today. I did.

A Colored in Heart

It's funny. Being a parent to small children, you just never know when you are going to have one of 'those' conversations.

I have noticed that this year, Livie's sixth year, she is starting to ask some difficult questions.

When children hit 3 it seems like they have a question for EVERYTHING. You want to answer their questions because you know that their minds are sponges and they are learning at every turn.  But sometimes their questions are so incessant, and well, you just have to lie - "I DON'T KNOW!!!" you finally scream, exacerbated! And they look at you wide-eyed and ask, "Why?" It really is a never ending cycle. And you wonder if you will actually go crazy.

But it does end.

And their questions change...

"Mommy, what is divorce?"

"Mama, what is cancer?"

"Mom, what is war?"

"What are drugs?"

"What's alcohol?"

These are some of the questions Livie is asking me now. It makes me tear up, even as I type. Because there comes a time in a child's life when they begin to lose their innocence. And that makes me sad. They begin to realize that there is pain in the world. That people make bad choices. That people have to suffer. That people die. And that life is so very hard. I am thankful that my child is learning these things now by asking questions and listening to my answers and not having to experience the effects of these things first hand. Because there are so many children in this world that have to learn these sad truths the very hard way.

So the other night Olivia and I were riding in the car just the two of us. I was glad it was just the two of us, because that doesn't happen unplanned very often. I love being with my children one-on-one. I see a different side of them, a very sweet, introspective side.

We were leaving down town Beaufort and a police car sped by us, missing us by a couple of feet. She stopped right in front us, so we waited a minute to see what was going on. She flew out of the car and ran up to a group of remaining kids (most of them split when they saw the cop car) and immediately began questioning them and looking through their stuff with her very large mag-lite. I rolled down my window so I could hear what was being said. It sounded like she was either looking for a weapon or drugs.

Livie and I were both enthralled with what was going on. But then the mother side of me kicked in and I drove away, not wanting to be caught in the middle of a shoot out or something!

That's when the questions came. "What were they doing?" "Why was the police-girl chasing them?" "What was she looking for?"

I want to be honest with my kids - age appropriately honest - so I told her what I heard her saying to them. I said, "I think she was looking for drugs."  Then I had to tell her what drugs were. Then she asked me, "Why do people take drugs?" And this is where it got good...

I went on to explain to her that it's almost like everyone has a hole in their heart that God puts there. A God shaped hole that only God can fill. But sometimes people try to fill it in with things other than letting God fill it. Like drugs and alcohol, boyfriends and girldfriends. And it makes them more and more sad every time, because the hole doesn't get filled and the pain doesn't go away, it's just covered up for a while. Then we talked about pain and what that might mean for someone. We had had a conversation about divorce previously and she had just listened to an Odyssey about kids and divorce. So I used divorce as an example. When a child's parents get divorced it makes them very sad. There is pain in their heart. Even if a person knows Jesus and has let Him fill in that hole in their heart, there will still be pain.

I want to be aware of these opportunities when they present themselves. It's difficult talking about abstract thoughts and ideas to a child who is so concrete in their thinking. So when an abstract concept is presented in a real life example I want to jump on it! But I felt like I was complicating things for her. I'm really good at doing that.

But she was getting it. In fact she helped clarify things.

She said something like, "It's like God draws a heart and colors it in. Then He erases part of it so He can fill it in again. And then sometimes we erase part of it and He comes back and colors that back in too."

I was dumb founded.

That is the gospel. Right there. And it came out of my 6 yr. old's mouth. So we then talked about how God is our Redeemer. He is the One that comes in and colors in the blank parts of our heart. And how without those blank parts, we wouldn't need Him. And we wouldn't know what it's like seeing God do work in our lives and on our hearts. So that makes it ok to have the blank parts or the pain, because otherwise we wouldn't know God as our Redeemer.

This all took place in about 5 minutes. But that's all it took. That's all that was needed. Olivia still has a God-shaped hole in her heart. God has not yet chosen to come in and fill it. But she is starting to get it and see her need for a Redeemer, Someone to come in and color in the blank part of her heart. I pray that day comes very soon for her. But in the mean time (and forever really) I hope to take every question and opportunity  to point her back to the One who drew her heart to begin with and not be afraid to mess it up. Because God can use it, even when I over complicate things!