What does Insecurity plus Fear equal when divided by Scripture, Teaching and lots of Women?

A very special something...


The women from my church gathered together one weekend this past April to take part in our annual Women's Conference.

I did not want to go.

Don't get me wrong. I love women. I love spending time with them, being encouraged by them, laughing until our sides split.

But I did not want to go to this conference. You see, I have a fear of over-night get-a-ways with people. It's rooted back to teenage insecurities that I've never quite gotten over.

So let me tell you how excited I was when I found out that my boys first t-ball game was scheduled for the Saturday morning of the conference!

Oops. Guess I wont be able to go... Oh well. Maybe next year...

Unfortunately, God is sovereign. = )

And I am so glad. He wanted me there. I needed some encouragement, some conviction, plus He had a plan in mind that I didn't. So I ended up going Friday night, traveling back home and back to the meeting place after the game the next morning. I didn't even miss a single session.

After the last session, the speaker of the conference had us form a circle so that we might share what God had spoken to us that weekend. It was mandatory - everyone had to participate.

My heart started pounding. Would I be first? Would I be last? What on earth was I going to say?

Many of you who know me may be thinking, that's not like her! She never misses an opportunity to say SOMETHING! But for some reason this was different. Sometimes the people around me become bigger than God. What they might possibly think controls my every move or rather paralyzes me in fear. I was having one of those moments.

My turn finally came. And I started talking, still not sure what I was going to say. So I told them about not wanting to come, about my insecurity and my fear. I told them about the specific scriptures that God had used to encourage and convict me, the ones about the tongue and the heart and how the two work together. About my desire to be a good mom, but my struggles in being gentle and patient and needing encouragement. I cried. My ugly cry. And hiccuped through my speech.

Why do I do that? I just gush it all out! Now everyone knows. About my stupid insecurities and my failures as a mother and the fact that I don't know what I'm doing...

I felt so foolish.

But you want to know the crazy thing about it all? After my sobbing session woman after woman came up to me. And they were telling me they too had the same struggles in their mothering. Some had grown kids, others had young and it was all the same... I can't get it right either... I need encouragement and accountability... maybe we should get together...

At first I didn't feel so stupid. But then God began to whisper something to my spirit.

You need one another... you need to share your burdens with each other... to hold each other up... to be encouraged... and to stop looking at each other in judgement... measuring yourselves against each other...comparing... I want to minister to you through one another... will you let me?

Out of this the Play and Pray was born.

I am so excited to share with you what exactly this is and what exactly we do!
Once a month my dear sisters get together at one house to pray while our kids gather at another house (with babysitter) to play.

We have lunch together and share what's going on. I mean really share - honestly. Then we pray for one another, and I mean really pray. After prayer we offer encouragement or 'advice' as God leads. Because we need one another...

It has been so refreshing being able to be honest before them with my own struggles and to hear how they are struggling so that we can bear each other's burdens (Gal. 6:2). And to know that, no I am not the only one who struggles with tempers and tantrums and liars and family 'issues' and submission and honor and obsessions and homeschooling uncertainties and throw up and pee on the shower curtain!

It has been a tremendous blessing to me. I always leave feeling encouraged and renewed.


Out of this I have become very passionate about a certain issue. And I must warn you now, but first let me just say, I have in no way conquered this or 'arrived' by any means. I have purposely waited several days to post this to make sure my heart is in the right place... and it isn't. If I waited until there was no longer any judgement or pride or condemnation or self-righteousness in my heart, then I would be dead. But I am climbing up on my soap box anyway! Just know that I am not preaching at anyone but myself!


So to all of us moms, I have something to say. 'Us' because I'm the first one that needs to hear it.

Mothering is a tremendous blessing, yes. But it is also one of the hardest things we will ever do in this life is it not? And we need one another.

We get tired and frustrated and want to just sleep for crying out loud! There's laundry that never ends and our heads hurt and backs ache and can I just have a little quiet please? There is dinner to prepare and dishes to wash and load and diapers to change and diapers to change and diapers to change! And the never ending whining that could justifiably be deemed as an official language. There are tantrums that overwhelm us and developmental issues that keep us up at night. There are sicknesses, attitudes, night terrors, sibling rivalry, back-talk and boo-boos. Our ears ring at the constant chattering and eyes bulge at the forever messes. We want to give up. We have weight issues and feel ugly. At certain times of the month we are irritable, we get snappy and cramps and emotional, we worry. Our husbands don't get it and there are expectations that never get met. Not to mention the pressure we put on ourselves to be (or at least appear to be) perfect, to keep it all together, to dress fashionable and modest with matching accessories and hair all done nice. To recycle and eat healthy, exercise and have all the answers plus a clean house. To not be in debt, to read our Bibles every day and discipline in even tones, without anger, every time. Showing grace and love and Christ to EVERYONE ALL THE TIME! Do you feel tired yet?

And I haven't even hit on the big issues we face like loneliness and fear, loss and infertility, miscarriage, abandonment, impacts of abortion, divorce, abuse, rape, alcoholism, adultery and pornography...

And where does God fit into all this mess? Because life is messy.

There are many people who have more successfully answered that question better than I ever will. I thankfully and very humbly glean all I can from them. I am not attempting to be a theologian at the moment, only practical and honest. So please excuse my crudeness for a moment:

Can we please just cut all the CRAP??

Can we please just face the fact that no one is perfect!? Can we just be ok with that? We ALL struggle. NO ONE has it 'all together'. EVERYONE messes up, gets it wrong, yells at their kids in moments of exasperation. We ALL fail. How do I know this?

Read the Bible much? That happens to be the very reason Christ came to die for us... because we are all miserable sinners... every time. Just watch your children. Their hearts are deceitfully wicked above all else... and nothing really changes the older you get...

The way I see young moms (including myself) walk in the bondage of perfectionism makes me want to shout from the roof tops... IT'S OK! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT... because He was for you.

It's hard, I know. It's ingrained in us to do right, be right, appear... right. But oh how WRONG that is.

Instead, I think we should all take a chance, be vulnerable with someone (not everyone) but someone who you can be real with, who will pray for you, I mean, really pray.

A couple of weeks ago I took that chance and sent out an email to my sisters...

-----

Alright ladies...

I thought I would 'take advantage' of my praying sisters...

Instead of holding on, walking in my pride and stubbornness and failing miserably,

I'd like to ask for additional prayer.

I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed with life and mothering and wifing and schooling

and laundry and wanting to just give into the temptation to ignore all of the above with

a movie and chocolate... and feeling guilty because I know we all have life stuff and this

is so trivial and things are really good but I'm just choosing not to see the good and

wallowing instead.

Thanks - I just didn't think I could wait to share/ask that until our next meeting

(which I am loving btw).

Much love and appreciation for each of you, really - mq

----

I sent it out. It was scary. I felt foolish. These ladies have real hardships - some have husbands deployed, have experienced true loss, they are saying good-bye, dealing with children fears, deep family issues, some have husbands unsaved, are dealing with pregnancies and sickness and depression and...

...and I was just wallowing.

But through their reply emails I was reminded that it's ok. They understand, they've been there too and each of them were praying for me. I was encouraged and convicted and I began praying for them as well. I was seeing the true beauty of the Body of Christ as it was meant to work together. Not in judgement or with conditions. But with love. Because we need one another.

I was glad that I took that chance, opened up and that I was encouraged.

The following Sunday my pastor preached that kind of sermon that makes you wonder if he followed you around taking notes the week before...

He ended with a verse in 1John - a very well-known verse that I've never really 'gotten' before.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment,

 and the one who fears is not perfected in love." 4:18

The most familiar part of that verse is "Perfect love casts out fear"? And I've never quite understood the context until now. The reason we don't have to fear is because we can have assurance. We know we aren't perfect and guess what, so does God. And He doesn't hold it against you, why? Because He held it against His only Son, so that He wouldn't have to hold it against us.

So we don't have to be afraid... of God or of others and what they might think of us. Because it doesn't matter. His love is perfect, non-condemning, He doesn't compare us to each other, so why should we?

Instead, let's embrace the mess, embrace the pain, embrace each other without comparing or judgement or hypocracy... cause that's what Christ does for us. God wants to minister to us and through us. The question we have to ask ourselves is, will we let Him?


This is so hard, I know. But I want to look at women (my peers) differently, in the way God created us to see each other. Through the lens of compassion and understanding, not comparing and undermining. I have found that it is possible! Have I perfected it? No. But I do have a glimpse of light. And that has come through opening up, taking a chance, being vulnerable with my 'issues', praying for each other and being encouraged. It's called grace. And we need one another.


And to think I almost let my insecurities and fears get in the way of such an important lesson. Makes me excited for next year's conference. I can't wait! Sleeping bag and all!!

Blow Dryer Gratitude

Maybe you will relate to this. I'm sure it has happened to you in similar form...

It's Sunday morning. You should have taken a shower the night before, but it was so late
and you were so tired and you'll just do it in the morning. The alarm doesn't sound,
so you stay in the land of dreams a bit too long until his arm touches you and you roll over
contented. Until you see the clock. You jump from the bed. Hurry to make sure the
kids are up. Tell them to get ready - now. You go into the closet to grab something
and remember you didn't take a shower the night before. You first look in the mirror to judge
whether or not you could swing it without, but no, that just wouldn't be fair to others.
So you hurry and yell from the shower - EAT SOMETHING! to the kids.
Time is running out and why is it like this today of all days?
I'M COMING - you yell as you grab the hair dryer. But it doesn't turn on... huh? You shake it
and make sure it's plugged in... it still doesn't come on. You think, I don't have time for this!
You are frustrated and you wonder how to pull off wet hair at church. But then you see that little button on the back of the plug. The red one that says RESET and you push it. Miraculously hot air comes blowing out. It works! You sigh a sigh of relief. You dry the roots, spray some hair spray, grab your make-up bag on the way to the car and pray the kids remembered their shoes.

This was the beginning of my Sunday a few weeks back.

When we got to church I sat. I was trying hard to focus, to listen as the word was being read and expounded on. My mind felt tired and I was wrestling. Wrestling with the state of my heart. It would have been better to have had this wrestling session an hour or so before, but sometimes life (and alarms) doesn't allow you that. So there I was on the pew asking God to search my heart. I was feeling a little 'off'. Kinda like my blow dryer.

Hmm, maybe I just need to be reset...

So I began searching for that button.

A few weeks prior to that Sunday I had accepted a challenge. I was determined to complete it. I was excited about it and I could sense the change beginning.

Some of you may have heard about it. It was a challenge given to Ann Voskamp a few Christmas' ago to make a list of the gifts God had already given her. She was to write them down - all the way to 1,000. Her book One Thousand Gifts explains her process and the way God used it to change her mind and heart.

Well I was ready for something new and challenging so I began to write things down. I couldn't believe how exhilarating and liberating it was! It almost became an addiction - an addiction to being a joy seeker.

But after a few weeks the book had been mysteriously forgotten and several days passed before I remembered, Oh yeah! My gratitude book!

So sitting in church I pushed my reset button - by pulling out my gratitude book and counting my oh so many blessings...

Being held
Having someone
Praising God in the kitchen
Being asked about Ukraine
Boy noises
The crook of his neck
Being encouraged and uplifted by a sermon of grace
Finding my reset button

My perspective had warped and I had so quickly lost sight of the joy that God gives in recognizing the blessings He has already given me. I receive the gift by recognizing it, verbalizing it, writing it down so that I can see it, tangible, as reality, ultimately giving thanks for it.

There is no magic in the book or the pen, but there is a new perspective that I am enjoying, when I choose to look through the lens of gratitude.

Right now it is work. Soon I hope it will become second nature, but for now I'll just keep pushing that reset button.

My Scars

Sometimes I get questions. But mostly I get stares. Sometimes I notice. But mostly I don't.

It's not something I think about anymore. That is unless I feel pain.

Lately I have been feeling a lot of pain. It makes me worry. I get frustrated. I want to be whole.

I want to be able to point to my scars and say, See I had the surgery! I'm better now. You can stop sending me pain. But the pain still remains.

Maybe it always will.

Instead of focusing on the pain, maybe I should focus more on the healing that has taken place.

I no longer have to wear double braces. I can sleep at night. I can sit with my back to a chair. I can drive. I can open a door. I can play the piano again. I can hold my babies without gritting teeth. I can cook and write and serve and throw a ball (well sort of) and brush my hair and put on make-up and clean up dishes and pick up toys and...   wow

What kind of scars do you have? Can you see them or just feel them? How do they hurt you? Are you ashamed? Do people stare? Is there still feeling? Or maybe you have kept them so hidden they are just numb by now?

I think God sometimes uses the pain that's left to remind us of how much He has already healed us. To remind of us of His power and grace in our lives. So that we can share our stories to encourage others. Sometimes there is still pain because there is still healing left to be done. Maybe you haven't gone there yet. Maybe it hasn't been the right time. And sometimes God has to open up the wound again so that true healing can take place. It healed up crooked or tangled and has to be reset. It's all a painful process, but thankfully God is our Great Physician who is tender, careful, whom we can trust.

Praise the Lord, O my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits -

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 103:1-5

An Anniversary Post (6)

In lieu of our 9^th anniversary: A celebratory post, to remember, to give thanks for, to reflect and of course post pictures!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011 we celebrated our 9th year of marriage. It is still hard for me to say the words. Nine years! It is hard to believe...

We enjoyed a wonderful evening together in Old Savannah. It was fun trying a new, tucked-away place (17 Hundred 90). It is one of the oldest Inns and Restaurants in all of Savannah and supposedly the most haunted. It was fun reading about the history of the restaurant on the back of the menu and being 'introduced' to the ghosts we might encounter...! Thankfully we didn't. But there was a wonderful pianist we enjoyed listening to. And the food was amazing. The company was quite scrumptious too! It was great being able to have a conversation without being interrupted 27 times...

After they rolled us out of the restaurant, we strolled around River Street, taking in the sights and enjoying just being with each other.

We started walking back to the car to head home. I glanced down at my watch. It was only 8:30pm! Yes, a lot has changed in 9 years... we have forgotten how to stay 'out late'... it was getting close to our bedtime!

Thanks for allowing me to reminisce this past week. It has been so good thinking back over these last 9 years, remembering the good times and the things that made me first love my husband, reflecting on what God has done and where He has taken us. Through it God has brought continual healing to our marriage, more evidence of our Redeemer. I am thankful.

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God."

                                                      Philippians 1:9-10

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."   Philippians 1:6

This is the promise I hold fast to.

An Anniversary Post (5)

In lieu of our 9^th anniversary: A celebratory post, to remember, to give thanks for, to reflect and of course post pictures!

Journal entry the morning of June 1, 2002:

"The day I have waited for for so long... I will be Mrs. Dustin Lee Qualls at the end of this day! Father, thank you for your provision and protection, for giving us patience, for meeting our needs. I ask you to be with us today in a special way. Calm our nerves and help our focus to be each other and the meaning of today. Thank you for your word, for conviction from you. Help us to become true imitators of you in every aspect of our lives beginning anew each day. I am so overwhelmed with joy and so very thankful."

Some of my favorite shots from that day. Look closely, some of you who were there may see yourselves in some of them!

At my parent's house with my girls,  preparing ourselves for the wedding.

Erin helping Ashley, on the deck, Cally my lil' sis.

With Daddy, trying not to cry. With Mom, you can see the nerves! The veil and the 'window picture'!

 

At Dustin's parents house, Denise helping Taylor, Gary assisting Dustin.

 

Tim and Rebecca (I would be in their wedding the following summer). Brandon and Jordie, Dustin and Jordan, Dustin with his parents Scott and Denise.

Daddy giving me away. He cried for a whole week after the wedding...

Lighting the unity candle, the kiss, our vows.

Mr. and Mrs. Dustin L. Qualls, the bridal party, the flower girls

Gary got us this awesome car to use for the day. It was a surprise!

 

Dustin's parents hosted the reception in their back yard. It was beautiful! The pics don't do it justice. Yes, we smashed the cake in each other's face - my favorite part of the day! A friend made our beautiful wedding cake. The bouquet toss, the toasts.

 

Our first dance (literally)

The sunset was beautiful!

 

The birdseed toss. We were picking birdseed out of everything for months afterwards! On the way to the honeymoon!

And here we are, 9 years later... can't wait to see what happens next!