Terror

A frightening thing happened yesterday.

I lost one of my children.

I mean I couldn't find him. One minute he was there and the next he wasn't. I called for him and he didn't answer. I called and called and called, louder and louder and louder. But still there was no answer.

The most baffling thing was, we were at home. We weren't in a store or somewhere out in town. We were in the safety of our own home. And I couldn't find my son.

I figured he was hiding. This had happened before. Levi hides and it's your job to find him - whether you want to play the game or not. Normally the game of 'find me' lasts about 45 seconds before you hear him giggling. But it had been longer than usual...

5 minutes...

I check in the closets.

10 minutes...

I look under the beds.

15 minutes....

I ask Olivia and Deacon to help look.

20 minutes....

I am outside yelling at the top of my lungs, "LEVI!!!"  "LEVI WALKER!!!!"

25 minutes...

I pick up the phone to call the police... but I call Dustin instead. He answers. "I can't find Levi", I say half crying, half I don't know what. I had never heard that sound in my voice before. I was surprised he knew it was me.
"What do you mean you can't find him?"
"Well, I was getting ready in my room, I told him to pick up his toys before we left the house. I came out to check on him and he wasn't there. I have looked everywhere. I have been screaming his name in the neighborhood. His bike is here. His shoes are gone. And so is my son!! I think I need to call the police."

30 minutes....

"Did you look in the car?"
"Yes I looked in the car! I have looked everywhere. But I will look again."

As I turned the corner, I saw him. He was sitting in the front seat of the van wearing one of Dustin's sweatbands on his head, his ears sticking out. I cried out. I'm not sure if it was a cry of relief or anger.

I hung up the phone. Grabbed my son out of the car, took him inside and very unceremoniously plopped his hiny on my bed.

I sent the other two kids to their rooms and shut myself in the spare room. I had never before felt what I was feeling at that moment. I knew I was not in control. I was literally shaking. I wanted to scream, laugh, cry, throw-up, shout, sing.  I didn't know which to do first. So I knelt down on the floor, held my head in my hands and just rocked back and forth.

After a few moments I felt more myself. I went in and talked to Levi about what had happened and how badly mommy was scared. He cried his little heart out. I was glad.

I had never felt so completely out of control. It truly was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I am so thankful he has been found and is safe. That he wasn't really lost, just hiding.

Later I asked the Lord, what can I learn from this? The passage in Luke 15 came to my mind. I'm sure if you have been in church for any length of time you are also familiar with this passage. It is the parables of the 3 lost things. First there is the lost sheep, second, the lost coin and lastly, the lost son.

Although each story is different, they all involve something that was lost, a time of searching, and finally,
*spoiler alert* what had been lost, was found.

I have a new perspective and appreciation for our searching Father. Although there is no panic on His end as there was on mine, there is still an intense longing to have us. And though He knows full well where each of us are hiding, He still searches us out.

I was reminded of the part that we play as well. Levi did not want to be found, therefore He made the process longer than it should have been. That brought to mind another verse in Luke 13.

"...how often I have longed to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!" vs. 34

Oh, God, make me willing! May I never hide from you, only in you and under the shelter of your wings!

"You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."  Ps. 32:7

I hope I do not have to experience those feelings of helplessness and sheer terror again any time soon. But I am thankful God used it to once again show me His Daddy heart.

Hmmm... It sure is quiet... I better go check on the kids...

A Confession

I have a confession to make.

I hate small talk.

In fact, I am terrible at it. I think that's why it's so difficult for me to start new friendships. It's hard talking to people I don't know. What should you say?

I like your shirt...? You have nice teeth...?

I mean, seriously, who cares.

I feel awkward. Then they feel awkward. So I end up just smiling and walking away, really wishing I could just get down to business and forget the small talk.

What I love the most is asking the hard questions and listening to the hard answers. Sharing my soul, my hurts and regrets with you and hearing yours. Not because I'm nosey - ok, maybe a little. But it's because, well, I just want to KNOW you. Not hear about how you like the color of my hair. That's nice and all and I appreciate it. But it just really doesn't matter to me. YOU matter to me.

I was thinking about all of these things the other day. How God created us relational. I took a moment and thanked Him. He could have created us uncaring, islands. But He didn't. He created us with a need - the need for people, for relationships, for Him.

Then I thought: How much do I want to know Him? Do I just give Him the small talk? Do I share my soul with Him, my deepest hurts, regrets? Do I ask Him the hard questions, seeking to know Him more? Do I listen to the hard answers? Do I allow Him to fulfill my ultimate relational needs? Am I satisfied by Him?

I love my Savior. I love that He allows us to KNOW Him. Not just facts about Him. He let's us ask the hard questions, dig deep, and He also allows us to find the answers.

...I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish in order that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may KNOW Him, and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His suffering, being conformed to His death...  Philippian 3:8-10

Moving on up...

The past week has been grueling and exhausting. But we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I am thankful.

We moved this past weekend!

We have moved before, many times before, but somehow I forgot how much work it is!! I was trying to clean off the stove top this morning and my arms felt like jello! So I left it dirty - it's not going anywhere.

Even as I'm typing I am realizing that my fingertips hurt! Ugh!

But as exhausting as it has been, it has probably been the best move we have had so far. DQ and I still love each other. No one got hurt that bad. And we managed not to forget anything or anyone! Plus, we moved into a great house that I think we are going to love - I mean, I already do!

We are renting from some dear old friends. (They aren't old, we have just been friends for a long time!) He was the leader of our youth group. That's pretty much where Dustin and I fell in love. But most importantly where we grew the most spiritually during our teen years. Mike was a wonderful youth leader, mentor and friend. And I remember Sherry made the best chili and enchaladas!

Dustin and I were two of the 8 or 9 that attended his first youth group meeting back in '98 I think. And it just so happened that we were able to be there for his last youth meeting in '09. Mike had a huge impact in both or our lives. I have never been challenged the way Mike challenged us. Not only spiritually, but in our purity as well.

For a long time Dustin and I thought that we would go into youth ministry. I think that was due in large part to Mike and the way he not only discipled us, but loved and cared for us. We wanted to do that for kids too.

That's not the direction God took us, but the imprint Mike left has always remained. I am so thankful God provided his leadership in our lives at that time. It forever changed us.

And now he is our landlord!! It's kinda funny and really great at the same time. We are so thankful to be here.

Someone asked me how many times we had moved and I couldn't remember exactly, so let's see:

Grace Park to Bonair

Bonair to Longcreek

Longcreek to Seacrest

Seacrest to Longcreek

Longcreek to Stagecoach

Stagecoach to Sam's Pt.

Sam's Pt. to Stagecoach

Stagecoach to Willow Pt.

Willow Pt. to Sunset

Sunset to Pine Run

I think I told them 11 times, but I was close! And remember this has happened in just 8 years of marriage!! I think we have the military beat!

Hopefully we will be here for a while and I can put down some temporary roots!! But I feel certain we will move a few more times before it's all over - it's just what we do!!

Content with Being Discontent

Is it possible to be content in all circumstances?  (Philippians 4:11)

What does it mean to be content?

Is it God's desire for us to be 100% content in this life?

These questions have taken up, what seems to be, permanent residence in my mind as of late. Mostly having to do with Ukraine, but also with motherhood and wifehood (is that a word?).

At times my mind seems to be consumed with thinking about the 'other things'. As I have deemed them.

Other Things being:

-what is not
-what could be
-what is yet to be
-what should be

and where my responsibility lies within those.

When I first came back from my time doing post-abortion ministry in Ukraine, I was quite overwhelmed with life.

I was side-swiped by how difficult it was for me to re-acclimate to being a wife and stay-at-home-homeschooling-mother of 3.

I struggled with depression. The not-wanting-to-get-out-of-bed depression.

I struggled with feelings of guilt for feeling depressed - a vicous cycle.

And I was overwhelmed by the question, what's next?

Thankfully over the past couple of months I have had time to work through a lot of that. I learned quickly that vegging out and eating chocolate is not the best way to get replenished. In fact it has the opposite effect. Diving hard into God's Word even when you don't feel like it, is the only way to find encouragement (and a little chocolate doesn't hurt either). Unfortunately that lesson was learned the hard way over many weeks of ups and downs - mostly downs.

So where am I two months out?

I am no longer struggling with feelings of depression or an over abundance of guilt like I was. I am so thankful. But the 'other things' still remain.

Did God call me to go to Ukraine for two weeks, never to return?

Since studying the book of Luke I was struck anew by the life of John the Baptist.

He was Jesus' real, earthly cousin and had a miraculous birth as well. Of course not as miraculous a birth as Jesus had, but miraculous enough to make him special from the get-go. He recognized the Christ even from inside the womb and was filled with the Holy Spirit, . Luke 1:15;41

*Just a side-note worthy of noting:
These verses really spoke to the heart of one of the women who participated in our study. God used these specific words of His to help her understand the kind of life that was represented in her womb at the time of her abortion. It was living, moving, hearing, feeling. She was able to come face to face with her sin and face to face with her Savior and Redeemer to begin the process of reconciliation. I love God's Word!

Not only that, he out of a billion possible people, was chosen to be the forerunner for the Messiah. Luke 1:17

In Luke 7 we find John in prison. We find something else as well... a question.

Calling two (of his disciples ), John sent them to the Lord to ask,

"Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?" vs. 19

This passage makes me weep. Can you imagine? Being called even before conception to prepare the way of the Lord and just a year after your ministry began you find yourself in a prison facing death. No wonder He had a question for Christ. This wasn't what he had expected.

The issue here wasn't that John the Baptist didn't know who Christ was. The moment Jesus appeared on the scene and knelt before John to be baptized, he knew. All the facts and proof was there. There was no doubt whatsoever at that moment in the mind or heart of John.

Even when John's own disciples questioned him about Christ, he very clearly defended Him as the Messiah. He went as far as to say, "He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30 NAS

Did he ever imagine that would mean death for him?

What I love most about this passage in Luke is Jesus' response to John, his cousin and his forerunner who was imprisoned on account of the gospel.

Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard:

The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have

leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are

raised, and the good news is preached to the poor.

Blessed is the man who does not

fall away on account of me. 22-23

Jesus was on a very specific mission. There was a very specific goal for Him to accomplish. He knew that meant some would go physically unhealed, some would become angry, he knew he would cause division. But that didn't mean He was without compassion or love. It is so clearly seen here.

He was encouraging John, knowing He was facing death. Don't fall away! Stay strong to the end! I have a purpose and a plan! Trust me!

I don't think John was at risk of falling away from the faith. But he was at risk of falling into one of Satan's favorite traps.

Here is a quote from Beth Moore:

One of Satan's most effective devices for causing a devout believer to stumble is to trap him over a matter of faith. Satan even tries to use Christ, Himself, against us. The most effective faith-trap Satan could set for a Christian is to tempt her/him to doubt the goodness, rightness, or mightiness of Christ.

John knew in his head that Christ was the Messiah, that he was the One. But his heart was really struggling. Are you sure I'm where I'm supposed to be? Ok, just making sure.

Jesus then goes on to say: I tell you, among those born of women there is no one greater than John; yet the one who is least in the kingdom of God is greater than he. vs. 28

And here he is giving encouragement to the rest of us. There is a place for us as well. We can be kingdom workers too. We can take part. We can watch first hand the Hand of God move in the hearts of man. Wherever we are. In whatever phase of life we are in. From the up-to-your eye balls in homework phase to the up-to-your elbows in poopy diapers phase. All the way through the having-teenagers phase, saying-good-bye phase, menopause phase, etc...

God sees us where we are and he says Blessed is the 'woman' who does not fall away on account of me!



In other words - don't give up even when you don't know what I am doing! What is that verse in Habakkuk? You wouldn't understand even if I told you...

So how does this relate to my opening questions? The ones that have been plaguing me as of late.

I'm getting to that...

I had a wonderful conversation with Michelle today. We were of course talking about Ukraine. And I was sharing my heart, my fears, my struggles, my questions. Turns out I was in good company because we were both asking similar questions.

She said a wonderful thing, which truly inspired this post. She said, "Maybe God doesn't want us to be totally content in this life. Maybe there needs to be just a touch of discontentment to motivate us to do what God wants us to do. Maybe we should just find contentment in the midst of our discontentment."

How profound.

At this point in time, I am trying to be content with being discontent. I am praying and trusting God even though I still don't have an answer to the question, what's next? I want to be open to the possibility that my job might be done. But I also want to be open to the possibility that it is just beginning.

I want to be content enough to trust that God has a plan and a purpose. But I want to have just enough discontentment to keep me uncomfortable. So that I keep praying and watching and waiting. So that I stay willing.

And I am thankful for Christ's words to us. They truly are the air the keeps me breathing.

*I did inform Michelle that I would be stealing her words before I wrote them here. She said it was ok.

Just a Snippet

There are so many things I could potentially blog about. So much happens in a day/week/month. So much goes on in my head and heart and in my life as a wife and homeschooling mother of three. It is hard to pick and choose. I want to be a good steward of my time, but I also want to take time to write down the important things.

These random pictures represent some of what has happened in the past couple of months.

The circus came to town!! We had a blast!! 

The elephants and lions were by far our favorites.

 We were also thrilled to see they had trained house cats too!!

I'm not sure who had more fun. Me or the kids!!!

My parents were able to come with us, which made it even more fun.

Olivia the wizard!

Then Daddy had to take a turn!

The kids love making forts!

And yes, I must confess, I love cleaning them up!

Olivia hard at work.

Yes, you are looking at a math problem!

Ruby is so good at finding hiding/sleeping places.

Here, she is on the linen shelves in the bathroom!

There were 5 birthday's in the Marcy/Qualls family between January and February.

This is us enjoying some good family time.

That's Dadada (as my kids like to call him) multi-tasking.

Reading and being a wonderful grand-dad at the same time.

Let me introduce my crazy brother Hunter.

And no, the kids did not do this to him. He did it to himself.

Then the sickness hit!

I'm not sure if we had the flu.

But once it started it didn't stop for about 3 weeks.

Olivia got it first. Then I got it.

(sorry there's no pic for that one!)

Deacon was next.

Levi and Daddy were the last to come down with it.

We were dropping like flies!!

This is how we survived!!

Once we were all feeling better we had to get outside

and enjoy some of this lowcountry spring weather.

Not really sure why, but Liv brought her own blanket...

maybe she was afraid of catching more sick germs!

It was bright

Wearing Mommy's sunglasses makes it better.

Why sit down and eat, when you can stand!!

Once again, bright! But we aren't complaining,

the sun is out and it's warm!!

Brothers and best buds.

Believe it or not, that is just a snippet! Our life is so full. I am so thankful. Thankful for family and celebrations, kitties and messes, medicine and whole grain waffles! It may seem mundane. But that is life. God works even in, especially in, the mundane.

Glory be to God.