Terror

A frightening thing happened yesterday.

I lost one of my children.

I mean I couldn't find him. One minute he was there and the next he wasn't. I called for him and he didn't answer. I called and called and called, louder and louder and louder. But still there was no answer.

The most baffling thing was, we were at home. We weren't in a store or somewhere out in town. We were in the safety of our own home. And I couldn't find my son.

I figured he was hiding. This had happened before. Levi hides and it's your job to find him - whether you want to play the game or not. Normally the game of 'find me' lasts about 45 seconds before you hear him giggling. But it had been longer than usual...

5 minutes...

I check in the closets.

10 minutes...

I look under the beds.

15 minutes....

I ask Olivia and Deacon to help look.

20 minutes....

I am outside yelling at the top of my lungs, "LEVI!!!"  "LEVI WALKER!!!!"

25 minutes...

I pick up the phone to call the police... but I call Dustin instead. He answers. "I can't find Levi", I say half crying, half I don't know what. I had never heard that sound in my voice before. I was surprised he knew it was me.
"What do you mean you can't find him?"
"Well, I was getting ready in my room, I told him to pick up his toys before we left the house. I came out to check on him and he wasn't there. I have looked everywhere. I have been screaming his name in the neighborhood. His bike is here. His shoes are gone. And so is my son!! I think I need to call the police."

30 minutes....

"Did you look in the car?"
"Yes I looked in the car! I have looked everywhere. But I will look again."

As I turned the corner, I saw him. He was sitting in the front seat of the van wearing one of Dustin's sweatbands on his head, his ears sticking out. I cried out. I'm not sure if it was a cry of relief or anger.

I hung up the phone. Grabbed my son out of the car, took him inside and very unceremoniously plopped his hiny on my bed.

I sent the other two kids to their rooms and shut myself in the spare room. I had never before felt what I was feeling at that moment. I knew I was not in control. I was literally shaking. I wanted to scream, laugh, cry, throw-up, shout, sing.  I didn't know which to do first. So I knelt down on the floor, held my head in my hands and just rocked back and forth.

After a few moments I felt more myself. I went in and talked to Levi about what had happened and how badly mommy was scared. He cried his little heart out. I was glad.

I had never felt so completely out of control. It truly was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I am so thankful he has been found and is safe. That he wasn't really lost, just hiding.

Later I asked the Lord, what can I learn from this? The passage in Luke 15 came to my mind. I'm sure if you have been in church for any length of time you are also familiar with this passage. It is the parables of the 3 lost things. First there is the lost sheep, second, the lost coin and lastly, the lost son.

Although each story is different, they all involve something that was lost, a time of searching, and finally,
*spoiler alert* what had been lost, was found.

I have a new perspective and appreciation for our searching Father. Although there is no panic on His end as there was on mine, there is still an intense longing to have us. And though He knows full well where each of us are hiding, He still searches us out.

I was reminded of the part that we play as well. Levi did not want to be found, therefore He made the process longer than it should have been. That brought to mind another verse in Luke 13.

"...how often I have longed to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!" vs. 34

Oh, God, make me willing! May I never hide from you, only in you and under the shelter of your wings!

"You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."  Ps. 32:7

I hope I do not have to experience those feelings of helplessness and sheer terror again any time soon. But I am thankful God used it to once again show me His Daddy heart.

Hmmm... It sure is quiet... I better go check on the kids...

A Confession

I have a confession to make.

I hate small talk.

In fact, I am terrible at it. I think that's why it's so difficult for me to start new friendships. It's hard talking to people I don't know. What should you say?

I like your shirt...? You have nice teeth...?

I mean, seriously, who cares.

I feel awkward. Then they feel awkward. So I end up just smiling and walking away, really wishing I could just get down to business and forget the small talk.

What I love the most is asking the hard questions and listening to the hard answers. Sharing my soul, my hurts and regrets with you and hearing yours. Not because I'm nosey - ok, maybe a little. But it's because, well, I just want to KNOW you. Not hear about how you like the color of my hair. That's nice and all and I appreciate it. But it just really doesn't matter to me. YOU matter to me.

I was thinking about all of these things the other day. How God created us relational. I took a moment and thanked Him. He could have created us uncaring, islands. But He didn't. He created us with a need - the need for people, for relationships, for Him.

Then I thought: How much do I want to know Him? Do I just give Him the small talk? Do I share my soul with Him, my deepest hurts, regrets? Do I ask Him the hard questions, seeking to know Him more? Do I listen to the hard answers? Do I allow Him to fulfill my ultimate relational needs? Am I satisfied by Him?

I love my Savior. I love that He allows us to KNOW Him. Not just facts about Him. He let's us ask the hard questions, dig deep, and He also allows us to find the answers.

...I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish in order that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may KNOW Him, and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His suffering, being conformed to His death...  Philippian 3:8-10

Moving on up...

The past week has been grueling and exhausting. But we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I am thankful.

We moved this past weekend!

We have moved before, many times before, but somehow I forgot how much work it is!! I was trying to clean off the stove top this morning and my arms felt like jello! So I left it dirty - it's not going anywhere.

Even as I'm typing I am realizing that my fingertips hurt! Ugh!

But as exhausting as it has been, it has probably been the best move we have had so far. DQ and I still love each other. No one got hurt that bad. And we managed not to forget anything or anyone! Plus, we moved into a great house that I think we are going to love - I mean, I already do!

We are renting from some dear old friends. (They aren't old, we have just been friends for a long time!) He was the leader of our youth group. That's pretty much where Dustin and I fell in love. But most importantly where we grew the most spiritually during our teen years. Mike was a wonderful youth leader, mentor and friend. And I remember Sherry made the best chili and enchaladas!

Dustin and I were two of the 8 or 9 that attended his first youth group meeting back in '98 I think. And it just so happened that we were able to be there for his last youth meeting in '09. Mike had a huge impact in both or our lives. I have never been challenged the way Mike challenged us. Not only spiritually, but in our purity as well.

For a long time Dustin and I thought that we would go into youth ministry. I think that was due in large part to Mike and the way he not only discipled us, but loved and cared for us. We wanted to do that for kids too.

That's not the direction God took us, but the imprint Mike left has always remained. I am so thankful God provided his leadership in our lives at that time. It forever changed us.

And now he is our landlord!! It's kinda funny and really great at the same time. We are so thankful to be here.

Someone asked me how many times we had moved and I couldn't remember exactly, so let's see:

Grace Park to Bonair

Bonair to Longcreek

Longcreek to Seacrest

Seacrest to Longcreek

Longcreek to Stagecoach

Stagecoach to Sam's Pt.

Sam's Pt. to Stagecoach

Stagecoach to Willow Pt.

Willow Pt. to Sunset

Sunset to Pine Run

I think I told them 11 times, but I was close! And remember this has happened in just 8 years of marriage!! I think we have the military beat!

Hopefully we will be here for a while and I can put down some temporary roots!! But I feel certain we will move a few more times before it's all over - it's just what we do!!

Content with Being Discontent

Is it possible to be content in all circumstances?  (Philippians 4:11)

What does it mean to be content?

Is it God's desire for us to be 100% content in this life?

These questions have taken up, what seems to be, permanent residence in my mind as of late. Mostly having to do with Ukraine, but also with motherhood and wifehood (is that a word?).

At times my mind seems to be consumed with thinking about the 'other things'. As I have deemed them.

Other Things being:

-what is not
-what could be
-what is yet to be
-what should be

and where my responsibility lies within those.

When I first came back from my time doing post-abortion ministry in Ukraine, I was quite overwhelmed with life.

I was side-swiped by how difficult it was for me to re-acclimate to being a wife and stay-at-home-homeschooling-mother of 3.

I struggled with depression. The not-wanting-to-get-out-of-bed depression.

I struggled with feelings of guilt for feeling depressed - a vicous cycle.

And I was overwhelmed by the question, what's next?

Thankfully over the past couple of months I have had time to work through a lot of that. I learned quickly that vegging out and eating chocolate is not the best way to get replenished. In fact it has the opposite effect. Diving hard into God's Word even when you don't feel like it, is the only way to find encouragement (and a little chocolate doesn't hurt either). Unfortunately that lesson was learned the hard way over many weeks of ups and downs - mostly downs.

So where am I two months out?

I am no longer struggling with feelings of depression or an over abundance of guilt like I was. I am so thankful. But the 'other things' still remain.

Did God call me to go to Ukraine for two weeks, never to return?

Since studying the book of Luke I was struck anew by the life of John the Baptist.

He was Jesus' real, earthly cousin and had a miraculous birth as well. Of course not as miraculous a birth as Jesus had, but miraculous enough to make him special from the get-go. He recognized the Christ even from inside the womb and was filled with the Holy Spirit, . Luke 1:15;41

*Just a side-note worthy of noting:
These verses really spoke to the heart of one of the women who participated in our study. God used these specific words of His to help her understand the kind of life that was represented in her womb at the time of her abortion. It was living, moving, hearing, feeling. She was able to come face to face with her sin and face to face with her Savior and Redeemer to begin the process of reconciliation. I love God's Word!

Not only that, he out of a billion possible people, was chosen to be the forerunner for the Messiah. Luke 1:17

In Luke 7 we find John in prison. We find something else as well... a question.

Calling two (of his disciples ), John sent them to the Lord to ask,

"Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?" vs. 19

This passage makes me weep. Can you imagine? Being called even before conception to prepare the way of the Lord and just a year after your ministry began you find yourself in a prison facing death. No wonder He had a question for Christ. This wasn't what he had expected.

The issue here wasn't that John the Baptist didn't know who Christ was. The moment Jesus appeared on the scene and knelt before John to be baptized, he knew. All the facts and proof was there. There was no doubt whatsoever at that moment in the mind or heart of John.

Even when John's own disciples questioned him about Christ, he very clearly defended Him as the Messiah. He went as far as to say, "He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30 NAS

Did he ever imagine that would mean death for him?

What I love most about this passage in Luke is Jesus' response to John, his cousin and his forerunner who was imprisoned on account of the gospel.

Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard:

The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have

leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are

raised, and the good news is preached to the poor.

Blessed is the man who does not

fall away on account of me. 22-23

Jesus was on a very specific mission. There was a very specific goal for Him to accomplish. He knew that meant some would go physically unhealed, some would become angry, he knew he would cause division. But that didn't mean He was without compassion or love. It is so clearly seen here.

He was encouraging John, knowing He was facing death. Don't fall away! Stay strong to the end! I have a purpose and a plan! Trust me!

I don't think John was at risk of falling away from the faith. But he was at risk of falling into one of Satan's favorite traps.

Here is a quote from Beth Moore:

One of Satan's most effective devices for causing a devout believer to stumble is to trap him over a matter of faith. Satan even tries to use Christ, Himself, against us. The most effective faith-trap Satan could set for a Christian is to tempt her/him to doubt the goodness, rightness, or mightiness of Christ.

John knew in his head that Christ was the Messiah, that he was the One. But his heart was really struggling. Are you sure I'm where I'm supposed to be? Ok, just making sure.

Jesus then goes on to say: I tell you, among those born of women there is no one greater than John; yet the one who is least in the kingdom of God is greater than he. vs. 28

And here he is giving encouragement to the rest of us. There is a place for us as well. We can be kingdom workers too. We can take part. We can watch first hand the Hand of God move in the hearts of man. Wherever we are. In whatever phase of life we are in. From the up-to-your eye balls in homework phase to the up-to-your elbows in poopy diapers phase. All the way through the having-teenagers phase, saying-good-bye phase, menopause phase, etc...

God sees us where we are and he says Blessed is the 'woman' who does not fall away on account of me!



In other words - don't give up even when you don't know what I am doing! What is that verse in Habakkuk? You wouldn't understand even if I told you...

So how does this relate to my opening questions? The ones that have been plaguing me as of late.

I'm getting to that...

I had a wonderful conversation with Michelle today. We were of course talking about Ukraine. And I was sharing my heart, my fears, my struggles, my questions. Turns out I was in good company because we were both asking similar questions.

She said a wonderful thing, which truly inspired this post. She said, "Maybe God doesn't want us to be totally content in this life. Maybe there needs to be just a touch of discontentment to motivate us to do what God wants us to do. Maybe we should just find contentment in the midst of our discontentment."

How profound.

At this point in time, I am trying to be content with being discontent. I am praying and trusting God even though I still don't have an answer to the question, what's next? I want to be open to the possibility that my job might be done. But I also want to be open to the possibility that it is just beginning.

I want to be content enough to trust that God has a plan and a purpose. But I want to have just enough discontentment to keep me uncomfortable. So that I keep praying and watching and waiting. So that I stay willing.

And I am thankful for Christ's words to us. They truly are the air the keeps me breathing.

*I did inform Michelle that I would be stealing her words before I wrote them here. She said it was ok.

Just a Snippet

There are so many things I could potentially blog about. So much happens in a day/week/month. So much goes on in my head and heart and in my life as a wife and homeschooling mother of three. It is hard to pick and choose. I want to be a good steward of my time, but I also want to take time to write down the important things.

These random pictures represent some of what has happened in the past couple of months.

The circus came to town!! We had a blast!! 

The elephants and lions were by far our favorites.

 We were also thrilled to see they had trained house cats too!!

I'm not sure who had more fun. Me or the kids!!!

My parents were able to come with us, which made it even more fun.

Olivia the wizard!

Then Daddy had to take a turn!

The kids love making forts!

And yes, I must confess, I love cleaning them up!

Olivia hard at work.

Yes, you are looking at a math problem!

Ruby is so good at finding hiding/sleeping places.

Here, she is on the linen shelves in the bathroom!

There were 5 birthday's in the Marcy/Qualls family between January and February.

This is us enjoying some good family time.

That's Dadada (as my kids like to call him) multi-tasking.

Reading and being a wonderful grand-dad at the same time.

Let me introduce my crazy brother Hunter.

And no, the kids did not do this to him. He did it to himself.

Then the sickness hit!

I'm not sure if we had the flu.

But once it started it didn't stop for about 3 weeks.

Olivia got it first. Then I got it.

(sorry there's no pic for that one!)

Deacon was next.

Levi and Daddy were the last to come down with it.

We were dropping like flies!!

This is how we survived!!

Once we were all feeling better we had to get outside

and enjoy some of this lowcountry spring weather.

Not really sure why, but Liv brought her own blanket...

maybe she was afraid of catching more sick germs!

It was bright

Wearing Mommy's sunglasses makes it better.

Why sit down and eat, when you can stand!!

Once again, bright! But we aren't complaining,

the sun is out and it's warm!!

Brothers and best buds.

Believe it or not, that is just a snippet! Our life is so full. I am so thankful. Thankful for family and celebrations, kitties and messes, medicine and whole grain waffles! It may seem mundane. But that is life. God works even in, especially in, the mundane.

Glory be to God.

Birthday(s)

Saturday was a fun day in our house.

Levi turned 4 and I turned 29!!

Can you believe I had my son on my birthday?? I surely couldn't. He was 8 days 'early' and a wonderful birthday surprise!!

I went into labor during my birthday celebration dinner with the Qualls family. By the time dinner was served my contractions were to the point that I couldn't really enjoy the chicken lasagna that Denise had prepared.

I waited a long time to go to the hospital because two weeks before I had gone into false labor. This being my third child, I knew for sure I was in real labor! I went to the hospital only to be sent home. I was so embarrassed! I was afraid of that happening again, so I waited just to be sure.

But it was the right decision to go. He was born that night, on my birthday. What made it even more special, was that he was delivered by the same doctor who had delivered me 25 years ago to the day! Pretty neat, huh?? It was very, very special.

I would come to see just how special in the months that followed. For more on that go to the 'My Story' page.

It has been fun celebrating together each year since. He is such a blessing to our family and to me each day. Sometimes I find myself just watching him. And then my cheeks start to hurt and I realize that it's from smiling so much. I really could eat him with a spoon. He is just that sweet! This year we decided to go bowling. It's one of our family's favorite things to do. Levi had been talking about it for months! He was so excited.

  

Afterward, my sweet mother-in-law offered to take the kids for the evening so Dustin and I could have some time alone on my birthday. We went to one of my favorite restaurants where we ate some awesome food and where I got some awesome pictures! Not just of me and my man, but of the beautiful scenery as well. I love this town I live in!!

It's a horrible fault of mine that I do not speak enough about Dustin. I wish I were a bit more of a romantic. For some reason, it's just hard. But I want to try harder, so here it goes...

I love my husband. I love that he works hard providing for our family. I love that he works with his hands and that's why they are so calloused. I love that he smells like sawdust every day of his life. I love that he tries to make our marriage better. That he tries to make me 'happy'. I love that he has never given up on us. I love that he loves our kids and plays with them. I love that he tries with Olivia even when he doesn't understand her girlish, seven-year-old ways. I love that he makes me laugh. I love that he gets me and I get him. I love that he loves God. I love that he supports me in ministry. And I love that our marriage isn't perfect, but that God is perfecting us through our marriage.

I took these pictures while we were waiting to be seated. I was just drinking in the view! What a gift! It's moments like these (and when I'm staring at my kids and my man...) that I thank God He gave me sight.

It was a glorious birthday with friends and family, beautiful views, wonderful conversations, and pondering the many, many gifts God has given me. I am so blessed.

I loved the pelicans!

God's Favorites

Does God have favorites?

If so, who are they?

---------------------------

I have continued studying 'Jesus, the One and Only' a Beth Moore study. We just finished week 3. This morning during the video as I listened to her teach I cried. God is using her words to convict and encourage me all within the same minute. God is also giving me a fresh perspective.

So as I listened to her teach and read the words of God the tears flowed. It was a good, cleansing cry. It didn't matter who was around, who saw or heard - I blew my nose twice - I needed it and I'm glad the tears flowed freely.

Through this study I honestly feel as if I am meeting Jesus for the first time. I am seeing Him in a different light. Maybe I am finally beginning to understand things. Who He is and how much He loves me and all those he came to serve, teach, heal, minister to and die for.

I am seeing the 'human' side of God and how that humanity effected His ministry. Hence the name, The Son of Man, which was what he referred to himself the most as. There were limitations that he relinquished himself to. Although he was God 100%, he was fully man too. It was all part of his divine plan - to be human for a while.

"The Word became flesh and dwelt among us." Jn. 1:14

"...and she will call him Immanuel." Isaiah 7:14   (Immanuel literally meaning "the with us God")

These things I have known and heard and been taught for as long as I can remember. I am glad that God is giving me fresh eyes to see these facts anew. It's time.

This morning we were camped out on a mountain side near the Sea of Galilee and listened as Jesus spoke to his newly appointed disciples. (Luke 6:17-36) I love how you can read a passage that you have practically memorized and then all of a sudden something new jumps off the page and either gently kisses you or smacks you in the face, which ever one is needed. I think I got a bit of both.

So for the sake of context...

Christ had just chosen his 12 disciples, whom he also appointed apostles. (Luke 6:12) Very soon after, he went down to where a large crowd had gathered. This was to be the disciples induction into ministry. Beth wanted us to go there. To become eye-witnesses. To try and envision what this mass of people might have been like, who they might have been, what they might have looked, even smelled like. So for that, we went to Matthew 4.

Matthew gave a bit more insight to who these people were. Therefore, what kind of experience the disciples might have had. What they might have felt and thought.

"...and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon-possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed, and he healed them." v.24

Luke added, "and the people all tried to touch him, because power was coming from him and healing them all." v.19

Go there with me...
What kind of various diseases? Were they contagious? Were the people delirious? Have you ever seen someone in severe pain? What does their face look like? Were they desperate? Have you yourself experienced that? Were there sounds? Moaning, screaming, crying? Have you ever seen someone who was demon-possessed? Heard stories, seen movies? Would you have been scared? What about seizures? What does someone look like who is having a seizure? Would you have stared? What about the paralyzed? How would they have gotten there? Would they have been carried? Would they have bathed beforehand? Would they have smelled? Would you have helped them get closer to Jesus? Would you have been uncomfortable?

I know I would have...

This was the disciple's baptism into ministry. They were immediately thrown into a sea of suffering and confronted with the unfairness of life. Jesus didn't allow them to waltz very long in the romanticism of ministry. Very quickly they were faced with reality and that often times equals pain.

But what else did Jesus show them? Where else did he 'take' them?

"...and he healed them." v.24

What do you think Jesus saw when he looked out across this sea of people? Did he see their faces? Did he look into their eyes? Did he see their pain? Feel their desperation? Did he love them? Did he long for their salvation? Their complete healing? Were they his favorite?

It wouldn't seem like it. They were the ones that really bad things had happened to. They were the ones experiencing the unfairness of life. Pain. Anger. Bitterness. Regret. True suffering. No one would have looked at them and said, "God's favor is upon you." No one would have looked at them with envy. Pity maybe, but not envy.

But then Jesus does a funny thing. He stops his healing, turns to his disciples and says to them,

Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.

Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied.

Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.

Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man...

Do you think he might have been referring to the people around them? Was he calling them blessed? Did he accidentally pick the wrong word? Did he understand that blessed means 'possessing the favor of God, the state of being marked by the fullness from God'? Did he really mean 'My favor is upon them'? In other words, 'They are my favorites'? Is that what he was saying?

Yes, that is what he was saying.

Beth compared this kind of favor to a mother's favor over her sick child. She doesn't love the sick child more than her healthy children. But she does show that precious sick one a little more favor than the others. She gives her a little more attention while she is in need. Bends gently over her, feels her forehead with her lips, makes her comfortable, stays up nights at her bedside, prays for her, doesn't leave her until she is well again. I don't know about you, but that's what I long for the most from my Savior during the times of my deepest need.

Can we trust God to favor the suffering? Are you the suffering? Do you know someone who is suffering? They have been marked by God. And they/you are His favorite.

I think He was also saying, this life is so unfair, but just wait, my future for you is even more unfair! Oh, how thankful I am for that! And no that is not a typo. Because what would truly be fair, would be for us to be eternally separated from Him. That would be fair. Praise God that He isn't fair.

So what do we have to look forward to?

for yours is the kingdom of God

  for you will be satisfied

for you will laugh

great is your reward in heaven

then your reward will be great and you will be sons of the Most High

I am learning that Christ does and acts and loves the very opposite of how I think he should. When I am suffering or see someone suffering, my first thought is where is God? Why is this happening? This isn't fair. But he is HERE, he has a PURPOSE, and no, it isn't FAIR. Thank God it isn't.

And just when I think that he's forgotten me, I've really only then become his favorite.


*I feel like I should say that most of what I have written here was taken from my notes from Beth's talk today and from the Bible Study that she has written. These are not my original thoughts, only what I've been mulling over the past couple of days...