Am I A Legalist? (Part 1)

When I start writing on topics like this at first I am really excited. I have all of these words and thoughts and feelings tumbling around in my head that just can't wait to pour out on a fresh white screen.

I start typing and words start flowing. But before I realize what's happening, my thoughts have gone into 32 different directions. I get lost trying to follow each trail of thought. My eyes start hurting from squinting at the now cluttered screen, so I close them and close the computer, determined to try again tomorrow.

And I do. But now 50 some tomorrow's have come and gone and I'm still hopping from trail to trail like a little bunny rabbit. I want to get it right. No, perfect. And because that is an impossibility that will never happen, I never finish. My thoughts stay locked up in a muddled mess in a little folder on my computer.

Well, I've decided to do some spring cleaning (a couple months late).  I'm kinda tired of having little folders like that cluttering up things. So here we go. It may be a little unfiltered. You may have to step over some briars and thorns as you walk along my trail. But hopefully you will be able to see through to my heart and what I'm really trying to say. And maybe I'll figure it out too along the way.

This is a topic very close to my heart. It's personal. I've had experience where this is concerned. I've learned a lot of things along the way and am still walking this long road.

It's a hard topic to discuss. People get offended and get their feathers ruffled. There's a lot at stake here.

What if I am? What if you are?

No one wants to admit that they are legalistic. That's not really something nice to be identified with.

There is a lot of fear tied up with that word. Fear that we really might be. Fear that someone might think that about me. But mostly fear is what motivates our being legalistic. And how do you overcome that? 

I think it's important before we ever explore a topic like this, to first truly explore our own hearts. I don't want anyone to feel the heat of my pointed finger in their face. Because, believe me, the rest of the four are stabbing me hard in the chest.

Our hearts represent our true person and reveals so much about us. But to be honest, I’d rather not explore that dark cave. It’s too scary, sometimes dirty and going there can make me feel isolated, cold and alone. But I must. I must enter that dark heart-cave, I must explore the caverns and crevices. Otherwise, how will I know?  

Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

I’d rather not believe that. It doesn’t necessarily conjure up nice feelings to think about the fact that I’m beyond cure. I mean, where are we supposed to go from there? There is no recovering from that.

The next verse says, “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind…”

I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or worse.

 

Proverbs 4:23 tells us that the heart is the wellspring of life and that above all else, we must guard it.

 

One definition describes wellspring as, "A continuous, seemingly inexhaustible source or supply of something."

 

It's where it is, people. And I mean everything.

 

Glancing in my concordance at the back of my Bible I'm amazed at how many references to the 'heart' there is. It would be impossible to list each one. But here is a little recap of what God says about our hearts...

 

Our hearts can be::

 

hardened, prompted, opened, unified, cut, circumcised, uncircumcised, changed, made pure, examined, stirred, broken, contrite, undivided, divided, upright, joyful, thankful, bitter, jealous, wounded, steadfast, secure, set free, wise, sick, at peace, happy, good medicine, anxious, given, hasty, stolen, awakened, sealed, calloused, carried close, revived, washed, deceitful, a fire, luke warm, focused, confused, lost, new, glad, pure, impure, gentle, humble, laid bare, encouraged, sincere, enlightened, set, refreshed, senseless, faithless, faithful, willing, poured out, searched, far away from God, written on, known by God, troubled, ruled by peace, guarded, set on things above, grateful, sprinkled, cleansed of a guilty conscience...

 

They Can::

 

hate, murder, serve, love, observe, turn away, look for God, hold a grudge, obey, know with all of itself, be glad, meditate, receive, hold God's law, hold secrets, hold wisdom, cherish sin, fail, extol the Lord, deceive, seek, hide God's word, cry out, keep commands, ache even in laughter, guide the mouth, stay on the right path, love, pound, rejoice, know God, produce evil thoughts, forgive, doubt, waver, ponder, believe, anguish, grieve, make music, do the will of God, work at it, have thoughts and attitudes, yield, crush another heart, hold eternity in, burn, make room, condemn us...

Our hearts are powerful. And it is more than just an organ that pumps blood and gives life. It is the wellspring that all of our soul-being comes from. Our thoughts, feelings, motives, decisions and so much more that I will never understand.

That is the part that scares me. I will never truly comprehend even my own heart.

Psalm 139:23-24 says, "Search me O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Knowing the true contents of our hearts is only a God-size job.

We may think we know something about it.  But we must be careful. Because we're probably fooling ourselves. We are never as good as we think.

Maybe you are like me. And right now I might be tempted to let my heart give up. I am so thankful for Scripture in moments like these. Especially this one.

1John 3:19-20
This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

For all you Bible scholars out there, yes, this passage is definitely dealing with more than just feeling a bit sorry for ourselves. (Bless our hearts) But for all our hearts sake, no matter where we are in our walks with God, I think it's safe to say, that God is most definitely greater than our hearts... and what they are capable or incapable of.

That sure makes me feel better and is quite a good note to end on for today. I hope to come back to this topic soon. It appears life may be slowing down a little to make that possible with school and baseball ending. But I don't want to say that too loud!

When we do come back to it, I'd like to look at what legalism is and is not. And to see what it may look like in our personal lives (and by that I mean sharing what it looks like in my own). And I really hope not to get lost along the way of this tricky subject. The roads can twist and turn quite a bit and I wouldn't want to lose anyone (myself included) to motion sickness!

Come back if you so dare!



 

Toiling.Hoping.Waiting.

It's amazing how you set out to do certain things in a day. Important things, because, well, they are important. And then in an instant it all changes. And none of it is important anymore.

It is amazing how your heart can feel, well, normal. And then in an instant it is hurting. It's swollen with grief and you grasp it, holding tightly willing it to keep beating.

It's amazing how you have no need for the tears resting just below the surface and then in an instant, they are there streaming down your cheeks, running down your neck and you are gasping in anguish.

This, my friends, was the start of my day yesterday. But so much worse for my dear friend Rebecca and her sweet family as they received that call in the middle of the night that told them that her brother, their son, was gone forever.

We are reeling. Me from a distance, watching the tornado wreak havoc on their souls. Them caught in the middle and being pushed and torn and battered by fresh grief.

In moments like these I am forced to wonder. Understanding escapes me and I am left with a gaping wound of wondering. The heart is bleeding out and you look up to heaven seeking the pressure to stop the flow.

My eyes have landed on James 5. God has been using this sweet book in so many different ways to bring me comfort and healing and conviction as of late.

 

Be patient, therefore, brethren, until the coming of the Lord.

Behold, the farmer waits for the precious produce of the soil, being patient about it,

until it gets the early and late rains. You too be patient; strengthen your hearts,

for the coming of the Lord is at hand... Behold we count those blessed who endured.

You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord's dealings,

 that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful...

We are toiling in this life. We are farmers planting things, plowing, digging, pulling, aching, hoping. The crop has not been guaranteed us. We wonder if the rains will come or if the hail will come first. We do our best, we work hard and often we are disappointed, because our efforts did not grant what we had hoped it would. It doesn't make sense, because the formula should work. You prepare the soil, you plant the seed, you water the ground... it should then produce fruit.

But often times we do not account for the scorching sun, the wreathing winds, the crushing storms that devastate us. And how do we recover from those?

The how is in the ...compassion and mercy... of our God.

And in the knowing that this is not the end... strengthen your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand...

I was listening to a Focus broadcast just a few days ago. They were talking about heaven... how timely. Have you ever said, "When I get to heaven I'm going to ask God..."? Randy Alcorn, author of the book, Heaven, said that really, we wont have to ask. Just seeing God face to face will make it all clear. Just the sight and full, unfiltered presence of the Lord will quiet our questioning hearts, will silence the "what if's", will reassure our doubting wonderings.

In our unglorified state we do not even have the capability of understanding the dealings of the Lord. The why's, the how's.

That is why he tells us to be patient. There will come a day... there will.

In the meantime, there are tears and toiling. The grief cuts us open leaving us raw. We ache for truth and for healing. And I ache for my sister who has ached for me in this real-life friendship we share.

I will go to her tomorrow. I will cry with her. I will listen. I will bear her burden as if it were my own. I will pray and beg for healing. These are the important things now.

And I will be patient as I eagerly await the coming of our Lord.

Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

Just When you Finally Have things Figured Out

*WARNING: This post contains pregnancy talk and may not be suitable for the man who has no idea what being 4cm dilated means or gags at the mention of the word fluid.

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You find yourself still pregnant two days past your due date!

My friend told me that I jinxed myself. And maybe I did. But the reality is, I really had never made it to a due date! Not just once, but thrice, my friends. So what was I supposed to expect especially with a fourth pregnancy??

This has been a roller coaster of a week for me to say the least.

I thought labor had started twice. With strong contractions, intensifying over a 3-5 hour period. Only to stop as suddenly has it started.

I thought my water had broken. Yeah, not a pleasant thought when I realized it wasn't amniotic fluid!

I was told by my midwife that I was dilated to 4cm and most likely would go by the weekend. (It is now Tuesday)

I have had at least 3 days of constant, strong and uncomfortable cramping and contractions.

I have watched my due date come and go.

I have struggled with intense discomfort due to being so dilated.

I have had to endure the million questions and suggestions and opinions from well meaning family and friends. (Sorry if I have not responded well or not at all)

I have experienced swelling in my feet, legs, toes, hands, fingers, lips, face, nose, etc...

But the hardest part about this past week, has been the battle within my mind. I'd like to blame it all on the crazy hormones that are threatening to make me crazy. And maybe that's part of it.

Maybe it's the desperation I feel to be "unpregnant" as Levi would say.

Maybe it's because I'm just weary.

I'd really like to blame it on all those things. But in the end I know that I have to be responsible for my thoughts and actions.

I have experienced true weakness this week. True 'humanity'. Shame for not trusting. Embarrassment for letting my thoughts and emotions get the better of me. I have struggled with fear and anxiety like never before.

I came across a post I wrote just before going to Ukraine December of 2010. It's titled A Calming Presence. I wasn't looking for it, it just seemed to appear out of no where. I know it was the Lord speaking to me, encouraging me.

I was in a similar place just before leaving for Ukraine. Struggling with fear and doubt. But through that God showed me that it's ok. Even in the midst of our weakness, He has a plan. He can still use us. And still prove to us that He is God, holding all things together.

Sunday was particularly bad. I woke up in a panic. The fear had over taken me the night before and I had completely succumb to it. I believed the words of the one who was attacking and oh how far I fell.

I knew my mind needed renewing. But the weight of my Bible was almost too heavy to bear.

I asked my Mother-in-Law for some Scripture references. She is such a huge encouragement to me. She doesn't shy away from giving you Truth, even when you want someone to just feel sorry for you. Within minutes I had a slue of Scriptures dealing with fear and worry. I spent a long time meditating on them. Praying and crying through them. Allowing the Lord's peace to wash over me. I felt invigorated. Able to see clearly once again. To recognize my blessings and to be thankful.

This releasing of control has been so hard for me. Coming to terms with the fact that I have to place my trust in a God who doesn't promise ease and comfort. That His goal for us is to be holy and not always happy. That He is always good but isn't always safe. Well, it's been a moment by moment battle. The failures have threatened to shake me to my core. And the victories have been slight in comparison.

But thankfully, this is the encouragement we have:

Let the beloved of the Lord rest in him, for he shields him all day long and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders - Deut. 33:12

Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come? - Lam. 3:37-38

...call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you...

I will be found by you - Jer. 29:11-14

Humble yourself under God's might hand that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your ENEMY the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the FAITH... And the God of grace... will restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. - 1Peter 5

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship... - Rom. 8:15

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us... - Rom. 8:26

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither present or future, nor any powers... will be able to separate us from the LOVE of God - Rom 8:38

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will GUARD your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.

Phil. 4

I am so thankful for freedom in Christ. That I can share these things with you, speak them out loud and not have to be shameful. My weakness can be used for the glory of God. And it should. There is nothing within us, no strength or power or goodness. Not even faithfulness or loyalty. It doesn't make sense that God would pursue this one-sided relationship with us. But he does. 

And oh how thankful I am for that.

So, take this from someone who speaks from experience. If you are trying to figure out life, even the small moments within life, stop right now and let go of control. You'll save yourself a lot of agony.

Oh, and would you mind reminding me of these things in a day or two?

Thanks.

If I've Done it Once...

**This post was started  a few weeks ago, in the midst of packing/moving**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, lately Dustin and I have been a little frustrated.

And that frustration has been directed at the three beautiful gifts God has given us.

Olivia

Deacon

& Levi

My frustration comes when I've packed a box and the next day it's not only been emptied, but spread out into every crack and crevice, under beds and in drawers, etc...

How?

WHY??

Frustration comes too when I back over the newly purchased (for Christmas) scooter that was left laying in the driveway behind the van. After we have told them and told them to make sure to put away their toys so that doesn't happen - again!

This was NOT a good mothering moment...

I throw the van into park, then my pregnant self out the door after I feel the crunch of scooter under my tire. I then stomp to the back of the van, pick up the bent scooter and very dramatically throw it into the center of the yard. I then stomp back to the driveway, pick up what's left of the wheel and fling that into the yard to join it's destroyed significant other!

And there were witnesses. Four of them to be exact. Yes, my 3 children and my much afraid sister-in-law whom I don't think had ever had the privilege of seeing THAT idiot side of me.

There was silence in the van when I returned. Silence on their parts at least. No, I'm not done fuming quite yet... yes, I will leave you to assume the worst of me.

Then there is DQ who so willingly goes outside to pack up the shed and the yard only to find his tools and various camping items have been dispersed across the yard, up in the tree house, left out in the yard and woods and rain for who knows how long.

And when he goes to use the drill finds that that must have been one of the items left out in the rain, therefore is no longer in working order. And he is left to use a good old fashioned screw driver to take apart cabinets and dismantle them from walls.

We have been quite the disgruntled set of parents.

We were venting about such the other day and as we were talking I was reminded of a passage in Romans 8.

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear,

but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we

cry, "Abba, Father."

The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.

Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and

co-heirs with Christ... (vs. 15-17)

God calls us His children. I'm sure there are many reasons for this. He is the Father. We have been given a spirit of sonship, adopted, we are His heirs... But I think the main reason is because, well, we act like children!

We tear apart what's been put together, carelessly throwing aside the important and disregarding the holiness of God and all that He calls us to. We try to fix, but instead of fixing, we just make a bigger mess. We are demanding, we whine and complain, and are ungrateful. We run ahead or lag behind. We push and we pull wanting to move faster. We are impatient.

We as parents deal with these kinds of issues on a daily basis. And oh the frustration! But let us have eyes to see that we are no different.

And let us not miss an opportunity to be reminded of the love of our Father. I wish I could extend that love purely to my own children. But see, I am a child myself. I am learning right along side them. So how is it that I get so frustrated with them when I am guilty of the very same things? But oh how much deeper my sin goes... it's really not the same at all.

That brings an even bigger challenge. How can I, who has been made co-heirs with Christ, who has received so much grace from my Father - who tells us to call him Daddy - how can I then not show that same love and compassion and patience to my children? Their offenses being so trivial compared to mine...

I pray that as I continue to learn these lessons, my children will be spared the vision of Mom loosing it and throwing the scooter pieces across the yard. Hopefully instead they will leave my home with a deep sense of the way THE Father casts our sins into the depths of the sea and remembers them no more. That no matter what the offense, His grace and love transcends them all.

Now hopefully I can put their unpacking skills to good use when we move into the new house!

(Which we did and are loving by the way. I can't wait to start on THAT post!)

Refuge

We are finding refuge this week.

For last week was a very long, difficult week.

We moved.

We lost a cat.

We buried the daughter of  dear friends.

We are finding refuge in a new home and in the arms of the Father.

We aren't claiming to understand. We aren't claiming to be strong. We aren't even pretending to be happy. We are sad, grieving and exhausted.

We plead with you to pray for our friends, who without any warning were forced to say good-bye to their sweet baby girl the very same day they said their first hello.

Once again, we are reeling.

And once again we are seeking refuge under the wings of the Father.

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
³my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation,
     my stronghold and my refuge,
my savior; you save me from violence.
⁴ I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
and I am saved from my enemies. 2 Samuel

Seeing the Good

I have been aching to write this post.

Before Olivia's letter, I left you with a heaviness. It is where I am and have been yes, but it is not ALL of where I have been or where I am.

There is so much more to it.

I feel strongly the importance of facing the hardness of life and the goodness of God and how they work together. I feel strongly the importance of talking about it. Being real and honest. Not pretending that there isn't, excuse my crudeness, crap to deal with on a daily basis. Such as difficulties in marriage, raising children, disappointments in life, sin ever-invading...

But I also feel strongly the importance of sharing the good that God has brought from it or is bringing. The gifts He gives us in the daily. Where and how He blesses. We are all so different, therefore the blessings look a little different.

We should never live in the past. But what a waste it would be to not learn from it. To appreciate the good, to recognize the blessings. To give thanks for what He has given. And to share with others.

Isn't that what we work so hard to teach our children? To be honest, to give thanks, to share?

So here is my sharing of some of the gifts God has given me this past year and my choosing to see them...

#1 I must first begin with my husband. Please understand, I am not trying to be predictable.  But I must say these words to him and I must share my heart with others, because I believe it's important.

I was reminded through my mother complimenting Dustin over New Year's, of how I just don't say it enough.

I think life gets in the way too often and we focus on the stresses and the not fast enough's and the not as I would have done it's... And we miss the heart behind the man. Our men. And instead of complimenting and showing appreciation, WE fall short and nag instead.

I'm not a huge 'nagger' (at least I wouldn't say so), but I do too often stay quiet on the other side of things. I just don't say thanks enough.

So, I am saying it now.

Thanks, Babe, for all you do for me and for the kids.

I know you say you don't do much, but you really do. A lot is found in the little. Especially over the last several months when I was down physically or emotionally. You stepped up, you took over and you didn't make me feel bad for it. You were the support I needed when I didn't feel like I could stand anymore, or take yet another blow. You stood up for what was right. You prayed with me. You took the kids, you made us dinner, you cleaned up the kitchen and did the laundry and put them to bed, so I could do what needed doing or not do. I don't think I would have survived well without you.

In the past, the stresses of life had a tendency to tear us apart, to divide, to cause strife and trouble between us. I am so thankful things are different now. Instead, we have come together and acted as a team. I am so thankful. You are one of my biggest blessings, and you shone brightly in the midst of so much darkness. And I thank you.

#2 I have been struck hard by the significance of the church in a believer's life. 'Church' has always been an integral part of my life. I don't remember a time when I wasn't involved in a local church. It's just the way it was. It was never a fight or a drudgery. I loved it. It was important to me, I wanted to be there, even as a young child.

But I don't think I truly appreciated how vital it is to a believer's soul.

When our pastor left, we were devastated. I think I mentioned before that I just wanted to close the doors for a while, take some time to mourn, recover in the silence, in the darkness. I was frustrated when the very next Sunday we were there, sitting on the front pew, singing, worshiping, and yes, crying. Can't I do this alone? On my bathroom floor??

I wondered how our assistant pastor was able to give the sermon he did that day. How the singers were able to lead the congregation without falling apart. How people walked about smiling and chatting, talking together as if nothing had happened. But that wasn't true. Not a single person in that sanctuary didn't feel what had happened.

Over the weeks that followed, as my mind continued to process and grieve over our loss, I began to see more and more. I began to understand.

It was something our assistant pastor said early on... "This isn't our church. These aren't our ministries. They are all God's and He doesn't need us to hold them together. That's His job." (or at least something close to that)

While I was laid up on the couch dealing with pregnancy sickness that one verse from Colossians kept coming to my mind.

He is before all things, and in HIM all things hold together. 1:17

And something else that struck me as I later opened my Bible to let that one verse roll over me, was the very next verse.

And HE is the HEAD of the body, the church; HE is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything HE might have the supremacy. v.18

There it was, all neatly packaged together. For me on those days of sickness and doubt and grief over my church. Christ was still at work and even working through our suffering body. Just as He was working through MY suffering body, knitting together new life inside.

#3 I have also been so encouraged by the true friendship and the sisterhood we have in Christ. Making friends has always been a hard thing for me. But last year I was determined to lay aside my insecurities and give it all I had. To share my life with others and be welcomed into theirs. What a difference it has made.

At my lowest points I was able to pick up the phone or shoot an email, to let someone know I needed prayer. And I knew they were praying. I was able to share in our Play and Pray group and I was encouraged and refreshed.

Recently my children and I did a short study on the different gifts God has given each of us. Spiritual gifts and what that means. It was fun hearing their thoughts on what kinds of gifts God gives us... We eventually made our way to the Bible to find out what these gifts were really all about. As I was looking through my Bible trying to find that one passage, I came across verses like these...

The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ... 1Cor. 12:12

Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. vs. 14

If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. vs. 26

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. vs. 27

Again I was struck. Mostly by the simplicity of the picture of a working body, with arms and legs, head and shoulders, and yes, knees and toes... When a part of the body suffers, the whole of the body suffers, over compensating for the wounded area, protecting it and sheltering it from further damage. The smallest of cuts can evoke a sense of greatest awareness. We tend to it, we are more careful, move at a slower pace.

I was so thankful for the opportunity to see the working body of Christ. To experience those coming along side of  me. Picking up where I had to leave off. Tenderly caring for my wounds. You all have my deepest gratitude.

#4 Another true blessing was the gift of family. Like all families we have had our up's and down's. There have been times of pain and growth, hurt feelings and grudges, things left unsaid and things that should have been left unsaid... We all have those times (right?). We have not gone without our struggles.

 

Letting my sister 'go' caused a pain I hadn't before experienced. Oh there has been pain before, but this was different. It wasn't like a spouse or child or parent pain. It was a sister pain. But thankfully, good is coming from it.

The night before Javier, Cally and Elijah left, we all got together for one of Cally's favorite meals of mine... Beef Stroganoff and homemade bread. Javier wasn't quite sure, but I think he ended up liking it!

After the meal Javier started to speak. We were all taken by surprise at the intensity of his voice and the words that were coming from his mouth. They were words directed towards his family... his American family. These words did not come without reaction or response, because these words evoked healing. There were tears shed, understanding took place, forgiveness given and accepted.

Would it have happened if I had not been required to say good-bye to my sister?

The same night we were asked to release a sister, we embraced a brother.

God has a way of doing that doesn't He. Taking something, but then replacing it with another. So how can we only grieve? How can we not choose to see the good that comes from the deep pain...

#5 The little things.

And there are a million of them.  So I will spare you and not list them all here. But they are in my heart and in my book.

I am glad I can be thankful for-

Being able to do dishes, or having someone else do them for me when I couldn't.

For puppy-dog-boys

Words like "Bu-cept" (except)

Simple meals of macaroni (the gourmet Kraft kind) and carrots for dinner...

...and not having a husband that complains!

A girl who is eager to help and is really a help!

medicine for indigestion

Like I said, there are a million and I could go on for days. All these little things add up to great big things that are so helpful when you are trying to 'make it through another day'.

I just couldn't leave you (or myself) hanging on that one post... because it just wasn't all of the story.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

No in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Romans 8:35,37

A Long Year

I started drowning last Friday.

Drowning in sad thoughts.

Thinking over this last year and all the difficult circumstances we have been thrown into like a raging sea.

I know I am not special in this. Many of you have lost so much and have experienced such sadness this year. I have ridden the waves of your burdens too, as only one can from a distance. It has been a tough year for many.

I feel tired and weak. It's hard swimming against the tide. The under current threatens to pull you under and sweep you away.

That almost happened to me once when I was a child. If it weren't for my strong Daddy's arm I was holding on to with all of my might, I'm sure the current would have overtaken me.

Hmm... what a picture.

Maybe I am tired from holding on so tight. Grasping with all of my might to the truth of His words, His promises, trusting so hard when things just don't make sense or go the way that seems right. When sin enters and destroys, when pain and meager efforts to control begin to overtake me.

Yes, I'm tired.

I have been tempted to get frustrated with Christmas coming so fast as it always does. With so much to do and no time or energy to do it. But that would truly be drowning. That would be loosing sight of the shore line.

It is for this reason we can celebrate. His coming.

If the toilets aren't cleaned or the carpets go un-vacuumed, what does it matter?

He has come to give us rest, true rest in Him. He came to leave us with a Comforter for these times of deep sadness and trial. He came so that we wouldn't have to drown in a sea of despair. He came to be our Rescuer. And He holds all things together even if it looks like everything is falling apart.

That is the life line I am tightly holding onto these days. My knuckles are white, my jaw a bit clenched, but I'm not going to let go. If I do, I'll sink, I'm sure of it.

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned...

For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor...

For unto us a child in born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace...

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering...

Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him and afflicted. but he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him and by his wounds we are healed. We all like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters...

(excerpts from Isaiah 9, 53, and 55)

Brokenness

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Ps. 34:18

This word weighs heavy on my heart, mind, my very soul.

I have stumbled across it often lately in books, blogs, sermons, in life. Even in nature, it's everywhere.

It is a word that scares me. Mostly because I am understanding more and more its necessity.

I have been weighed down watching the brokenness of those close to me and those not so close anymore. Their grief, their diagnosis, their loss, their pain, their choosing to keep going, their choosing to give glory to God in the midst.

Right now I am on the outside. Tomorrow I may be in the midst.

A few nights ago I woke up from a strange dream. It was about this very word. Broken. I was struck by it, a bit shaken actually. It's not something I like to really think about, explore, you know how it is. It scares me.

In my dream I was a woman - well, sometimes you are strange creature-like things - and I think there was actually more than just one of me. And we were all together in a room. And I was watching the others of me. And they were different than me. And I noticed this. They all had a common bond, a unity that I could not share in. They had been broken, cracked open, stripped clean, there had been pain, repentance, restoration and now they were smiling. They had come out on the other side and were giving thanks. I think they shone, something like the glory of God.

I was waiting for that to happen to me. But it never came. I looked down at my hands and they were closed tight. Little white balls that screamed "NO!" and I felt it inside of me the "NO!" of not wanting to be broken. Not wanting to feel pain or repentance or obedience. It was so real and I understood what I felt and why.

And then I heard the other of myself say in a far away voice, "Look, she is turning." And so I looked and I was. I was becoming mush. Mush? Yes, like in the book Goodnight Moon - "a bowl full of mush..." My hands and feet and then the rest of me turned to a strange kind of mush and I was rendered utterly useless (well, it was a dream after all and stranger things have happened in dreams).

And then I woke up.

I stayed awake for a long time after. My mind wouldn't stop thinking about what I had just dreamed, the strangeness of it and why I would dream such a thing. Again, it scared me.

A couple days after my dream I was again faced with the 'need' of it. This time while teaching science to my children - the process of a seed. It must be broken, die in fact, for new life to come about. And we see this everywhere in the process of new life: a butterfly breaking it's cocoon, a grasshopper breaking out of it's locust shell, a snake shedding skin and it goes on and on...

And again I am brought back to the fear... and this tight-fisted clutching of "NO!" And my dream is no longer a dream, but reality. And I feel it all turning to mush, ash, utter-uselessness... all while staring at a science book.

And then tonight. While in the middle of composing this post, we are driving home from a day spent with friends and it's raining and the thought comes quick and wild, it could easily happen in a flash, and then it almost does. Tires screech, steering wheel sharply swerves, I grasp the door and gasp as I force my eyes to watch the car pull out in front of us, bracing for impact. But it doesn't come and we somehow escape, this time.

You see, I know it's necessary, this brokenness before God. To be transformed, renewed, made more like Him. I know we can trust Him with our lives, with our pain. I know this, I have seen it, have experienced it, I believe it. So then, why do I brace myself for the impact, why do I fear it?

I looked up Matthew Henry's Commentary on that verse in Psalm 51 about a true sacrifice to God being a "broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart". Here is what it said:

It is a sharp work wrought there, no less than the breaking of the heart; not in despair but in necessary humiliation and sorrow for sin. It is a heart pliable to the word of God, a heart subdued and brought into obedience; it is a heart that is tender, like Josiah's, and trembles at God's word. The breaking of Christ's body for sin is the only sacrifice of atonement, for no sacrifice but that could take away sin; but the breaking of our hearts for sin is a sacrifice of acknowledgment.

The breaking of Christ's body...

The breaking of Christ...

The breaking...

It is a necessary work. Not for despair. But to make us pliable... usable... obedient... tender... humble. It is a necessary work, a sharp work, but necessary. And Christ made the ultimate sacrifice, the breaking of His body, the spilling of his blood, Him dying... it was necessary - for no sacrifice but that could take away sin - my sin. If Christ had to be taken there, how much more do we need to be?

 I know I am a slow learner. It takes a while for things to sink deep within me. That's why I often read books at least twice. One Thousand Gifts is no exception. I have read it through once and I am now  working my way through it again. God is teaching me so much. In chapter 8 she shares the whispering of God to her heart about this very issue of fearing what God might bring:

Eucharisteo always precedes the miracle, child...

All fear is but the notion that God's love ends. Did you think that I end, that My bread warehouses are limited, that I will not be enough? But I am infinite, child. What can end in Me? Can life end in Me? Can happiness? Or peace? Or anything you need? Doesn't your Father always give you what you need? I am the Bread of Life and My bread for you will never end. Fear thinks God is finite and fear believes that there is not going to be enough and hasn't counting one thousand gifts exposed the lie at the heart of all fear? In Me, blessings never end because My love for you never ends. If My goodnesses toward you end, I will cease to exist, child. As long as there is a God in heaven, there is grace on earth and I am the spilling God of the uncontainable, forever-overflowing-love-grace.

(I know that was a long quote, but go back and finish reading it... I promise, you will be encouraged!)

Yes, so much to learn.





I want to get to the place where I not only accept ALL the good God sends me, whether the means be through pain or suffering. But to also relax and not fear it, to not brace myself for the impact or clutch tight, white-knuckled. To trust in the goodness of God and the good that He brings through brokenness. I want to give thanks for it, even in the midst.

I will leave you with a few more words from our God. Words our Pastor has been sharing with us over the last few weeks. Words my mind will not let go of...

And we know that God causes all things to work together for GOOD to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the first born among many brethren;
and whom He predestined, these He also called; and whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.
What then shall we say to these things? IF GOD IS FOR US, WHO IS AGAINST US?
He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?

God is not a closed-fisted God. Why then should I be? He freely gives all good and perfect things, should I then not freely and openly accept them? Giving thanks for them, even before receiving them? Trusting and not fearing? For it is necessary, that I should be useful, conformed, glorified...

Brokenness, Brokenness is what I long for,

Brokenness is what I need,

Brokenness, Brokenness is what you want from me.

Take my heart, and mold it.

Take my mind, transform it.

Take my will conform it.

To Yours, to Yours oh Lord.

Take My Life Lyrics By: Micah Stampley

What does Insecurity plus Fear equal when divided by Scripture, Teaching and lots of Women?

A very special something...


The women from my church gathered together one weekend this past April to take part in our annual Women's Conference.

I did not want to go.

Don't get me wrong. I love women. I love spending time with them, being encouraged by them, laughing until our sides split.

But I did not want to go to this conference. You see, I have a fear of over-night get-a-ways with people. It's rooted back to teenage insecurities that I've never quite gotten over.

So let me tell you how excited I was when I found out that my boys first t-ball game was scheduled for the Saturday morning of the conference!

Oops. Guess I wont be able to go... Oh well. Maybe next year...

Unfortunately, God is sovereign. = )

And I am so glad. He wanted me there. I needed some encouragement, some conviction, plus He had a plan in mind that I didn't. So I ended up going Friday night, traveling back home and back to the meeting place after the game the next morning. I didn't even miss a single session.

After the last session, the speaker of the conference had us form a circle so that we might share what God had spoken to us that weekend. It was mandatory - everyone had to participate.

My heart started pounding. Would I be first? Would I be last? What on earth was I going to say?

Many of you who know me may be thinking, that's not like her! She never misses an opportunity to say SOMETHING! But for some reason this was different. Sometimes the people around me become bigger than God. What they might possibly think controls my every move or rather paralyzes me in fear. I was having one of those moments.

My turn finally came. And I started talking, still not sure what I was going to say. So I told them about not wanting to come, about my insecurity and my fear. I told them about the specific scriptures that God had used to encourage and convict me, the ones about the tongue and the heart and how the two work together. About my desire to be a good mom, but my struggles in being gentle and patient and needing encouragement. I cried. My ugly cry. And hiccuped through my speech.

Why do I do that? I just gush it all out! Now everyone knows. About my stupid insecurities and my failures as a mother and the fact that I don't know what I'm doing...

I felt so foolish.

But you want to know the crazy thing about it all? After my sobbing session woman after woman came up to me. And they were telling me they too had the same struggles in their mothering. Some had grown kids, others had young and it was all the same... I can't get it right either... I need encouragement and accountability... maybe we should get together...

At first I didn't feel so stupid. But then God began to whisper something to my spirit.

You need one another... you need to share your burdens with each other... to hold each other up... to be encouraged... and to stop looking at each other in judgement... measuring yourselves against each other...comparing... I want to minister to you through one another... will you let me?

Out of this the Play and Pray was born.

I am so excited to share with you what exactly this is and what exactly we do!
Once a month my dear sisters get together at one house to pray while our kids gather at another house (with babysitter) to play.

We have lunch together and share what's going on. I mean really share - honestly. Then we pray for one another, and I mean really pray. After prayer we offer encouragement or 'advice' as God leads. Because we need one another...

It has been so refreshing being able to be honest before them with my own struggles and to hear how they are struggling so that we can bear each other's burdens (Gal. 6:2). And to know that, no I am not the only one who struggles with tempers and tantrums and liars and family 'issues' and submission and honor and obsessions and homeschooling uncertainties and throw up and pee on the shower curtain!

It has been a tremendous blessing to me. I always leave feeling encouraged and renewed.


Out of this I have become very passionate about a certain issue. And I must warn you now, but first let me just say, I have in no way conquered this or 'arrived' by any means. I have purposely waited several days to post this to make sure my heart is in the right place... and it isn't. If I waited until there was no longer any judgement or pride or condemnation or self-righteousness in my heart, then I would be dead. But I am climbing up on my soap box anyway! Just know that I am not preaching at anyone but myself!


So to all of us moms, I have something to say. 'Us' because I'm the first one that needs to hear it.

Mothering is a tremendous blessing, yes. But it is also one of the hardest things we will ever do in this life is it not? And we need one another.

We get tired and frustrated and want to just sleep for crying out loud! There's laundry that never ends and our heads hurt and backs ache and can I just have a little quiet please? There is dinner to prepare and dishes to wash and load and diapers to change and diapers to change and diapers to change! And the never ending whining that could justifiably be deemed as an official language. There are tantrums that overwhelm us and developmental issues that keep us up at night. There are sicknesses, attitudes, night terrors, sibling rivalry, back-talk and boo-boos. Our ears ring at the constant chattering and eyes bulge at the forever messes. We want to give up. We have weight issues and feel ugly. At certain times of the month we are irritable, we get snappy and cramps and emotional, we worry. Our husbands don't get it and there are expectations that never get met. Not to mention the pressure we put on ourselves to be (or at least appear to be) perfect, to keep it all together, to dress fashionable and modest with matching accessories and hair all done nice. To recycle and eat healthy, exercise and have all the answers plus a clean house. To not be in debt, to read our Bibles every day and discipline in even tones, without anger, every time. Showing grace and love and Christ to EVERYONE ALL THE TIME! Do you feel tired yet?

And I haven't even hit on the big issues we face like loneliness and fear, loss and infertility, miscarriage, abandonment, impacts of abortion, divorce, abuse, rape, alcoholism, adultery and pornography...

And where does God fit into all this mess? Because life is messy.

There are many people who have more successfully answered that question better than I ever will. I thankfully and very humbly glean all I can from them. I am not attempting to be a theologian at the moment, only practical and honest. So please excuse my crudeness for a moment:

Can we please just cut all the CRAP??

Can we please just face the fact that no one is perfect!? Can we just be ok with that? We ALL struggle. NO ONE has it 'all together'. EVERYONE messes up, gets it wrong, yells at their kids in moments of exasperation. We ALL fail. How do I know this?

Read the Bible much? That happens to be the very reason Christ came to die for us... because we are all miserable sinners... every time. Just watch your children. Their hearts are deceitfully wicked above all else... and nothing really changes the older you get...

The way I see young moms (including myself) walk in the bondage of perfectionism makes me want to shout from the roof tops... IT'S OK! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT... because He was for you.

It's hard, I know. It's ingrained in us to do right, be right, appear... right. But oh how WRONG that is.

Instead, I think we should all take a chance, be vulnerable with someone (not everyone) but someone who you can be real with, who will pray for you, I mean, really pray.

A couple of weeks ago I took that chance and sent out an email to my sisters...

-----

Alright ladies...

I thought I would 'take advantage' of my praying sisters...

Instead of holding on, walking in my pride and stubbornness and failing miserably,

I'd like to ask for additional prayer.

I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed with life and mothering and wifing and schooling

and laundry and wanting to just give into the temptation to ignore all of the above with

a movie and chocolate... and feeling guilty because I know we all have life stuff and this

is so trivial and things are really good but I'm just choosing not to see the good and

wallowing instead.

Thanks - I just didn't think I could wait to share/ask that until our next meeting

(which I am loving btw).

Much love and appreciation for each of you, really - mq

----

I sent it out. It was scary. I felt foolish. These ladies have real hardships - some have husbands deployed, have experienced true loss, they are saying good-bye, dealing with children fears, deep family issues, some have husbands unsaved, are dealing with pregnancies and sickness and depression and...

...and I was just wallowing.

But through their reply emails I was reminded that it's ok. They understand, they've been there too and each of them were praying for me. I was encouraged and convicted and I began praying for them as well. I was seeing the true beauty of the Body of Christ as it was meant to work together. Not in judgement or with conditions. But with love. Because we need one another.

I was glad that I took that chance, opened up and that I was encouraged.

The following Sunday my pastor preached that kind of sermon that makes you wonder if he followed you around taking notes the week before...

He ended with a verse in 1John - a very well-known verse that I've never really 'gotten' before.

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment,

 and the one who fears is not perfected in love." 4:18

The most familiar part of that verse is "Perfect love casts out fear"? And I've never quite understood the context until now. The reason we don't have to fear is because we can have assurance. We know we aren't perfect and guess what, so does God. And He doesn't hold it against you, why? Because He held it against His only Son, so that He wouldn't have to hold it against us.

So we don't have to be afraid... of God or of others and what they might think of us. Because it doesn't matter. His love is perfect, non-condemning, He doesn't compare us to each other, so why should we?

Instead, let's embrace the mess, embrace the pain, embrace each other without comparing or judgement or hypocracy... cause that's what Christ does for us. God wants to minister to us and through us. The question we have to ask ourselves is, will we let Him?


This is so hard, I know. But I want to look at women (my peers) differently, in the way God created us to see each other. Through the lens of compassion and understanding, not comparing and undermining. I have found that it is possible! Have I perfected it? No. But I do have a glimpse of light. And that has come through opening up, taking a chance, being vulnerable with my 'issues', praying for each other and being encouraged. It's called grace. And we need one another.


And to think I almost let my insecurities and fears get in the way of such an important lesson. Makes me excited for next year's conference. I can't wait! Sleeping bag and all!!

An Anniversary Post (6)

In lieu of our 9^th anniversary: A celebratory post, to remember, to give thanks for, to reflect and of course post pictures!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011 we celebrated our 9th year of marriage. It is still hard for me to say the words. Nine years! It is hard to believe...

We enjoyed a wonderful evening together in Old Savannah. It was fun trying a new, tucked-away place (17 Hundred 90). It is one of the oldest Inns and Restaurants in all of Savannah and supposedly the most haunted. It was fun reading about the history of the restaurant on the back of the menu and being 'introduced' to the ghosts we might encounter...! Thankfully we didn't. But there was a wonderful pianist we enjoyed listening to. And the food was amazing. The company was quite scrumptious too! It was great being able to have a conversation without being interrupted 27 times...

After they rolled us out of the restaurant, we strolled around River Street, taking in the sights and enjoying just being with each other.

We started walking back to the car to head home. I glanced down at my watch. It was only 8:30pm! Yes, a lot has changed in 9 years... we have forgotten how to stay 'out late'... it was getting close to our bedtime!

Thanks for allowing me to reminisce this past week. It has been so good thinking back over these last 9 years, remembering the good times and the things that made me first love my husband, reflecting on what God has done and where He has taken us. Through it God has brought continual healing to our marriage, more evidence of our Redeemer. I am thankful.

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God."

                                                      Philippians 1:9-10

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."   Philippians 1:6

This is the promise I hold fast to.

An Anniversary Post (5)

In lieu of our 9^th anniversary: A celebratory post, to remember, to give thanks for, to reflect and of course post pictures!

Journal entry the morning of June 1, 2002:

"The day I have waited for for so long... I will be Mrs. Dustin Lee Qualls at the end of this day! Father, thank you for your provision and protection, for giving us patience, for meeting our needs. I ask you to be with us today in a special way. Calm our nerves and help our focus to be each other and the meaning of today. Thank you for your word, for conviction from you. Help us to become true imitators of you in every aspect of our lives beginning anew each day. I am so overwhelmed with joy and so very thankful."

Some of my favorite shots from that day. Look closely, some of you who were there may see yourselves in some of them!

At my parent's house with my girls,  preparing ourselves for the wedding.

Erin helping Ashley, on the deck, Cally my lil' sis.

With Daddy, trying not to cry. With Mom, you can see the nerves! The veil and the 'window picture'!

 

At Dustin's parents house, Denise helping Taylor, Gary assisting Dustin.

 

Tim and Rebecca (I would be in their wedding the following summer). Brandon and Jordie, Dustin and Jordan, Dustin with his parents Scott and Denise.

Daddy giving me away. He cried for a whole week after the wedding...

Lighting the unity candle, the kiss, our vows.

Mr. and Mrs. Dustin L. Qualls, the bridal party, the flower girls

Gary got us this awesome car to use for the day. It was a surprise!

 

Dustin's parents hosted the reception in their back yard. It was beautiful! The pics don't do it justice. Yes, we smashed the cake in each other's face - my favorite part of the day! A friend made our beautiful wedding cake. The bouquet toss, the toasts.

 

Our first dance (literally)

The sunset was beautiful!

 

The birdseed toss. We were picking birdseed out of everything for months afterwards! On the way to the honeymoon!

And here we are, 9 years later... can't wait to see what happens next!

An Anniversary Post (4)

In lieu of our 9^th anniversary: A celebratory post, to remember, to give thanks for, to reflect and of course post pictures!

Today marks the 9th year anniversary of stress like no other: The day BEFORE the wedding! Running last minute errands, packing for the honeymoon, picking up wedding dress, attending the bridal brunch, remembering to breathe, making sure the right people had the right rings, wrapping gifts, getting nails done, greeting family and guests, remembering to eat, trying to make the rehearsal on time, not making the rehearsal on time, wishing it wasn't so hot, spending last precious moments with family, being nervous, finding something borrowed something blue, focusing on the fact that I will be married at the end of the next day no matter what may go wrong...

Here are some snap shots from that hectic day!

At the Bridal Brunch: My bridesmaids - Rebecca, Ashley, Michelle, Shanda, Tricia, Cally (sister) and Erin 

Rehearsal

My Aunt Kim "Sissy" helping the flower girls Danielle, Taylor and Addy

Dustin's Grandparents hosted a beautiful rehearsal dinner at their home - the spread!

With Dustin's Memaw

In the gazebo, Papa giving me last minute advice, my bum arm I had surgery on two weeks after we were married.

My mother and I

Me and my almost-husband!

On the patio over looking the Whale Branch River, Dustin and my brother Hunter thought something was funny... apparently nobody else did!

It was time to pass out the gifts. Us with the best man and dear friend Gary.

This is how much Dustin loves Gary

Me and my Maid of Honor Erin

Ashley, Dustin's sister, had a very special gift for us, her painting of us the night we got engaged.

It is still very special

The flower girl gifts

The Bachelor Pary. Gary had a foot washing ceremony for Dustin... not sure what happened after that!

This is what I wrote in my journal that day:

"The day before tomorrow. THE tomorrow. The tomorrow I marry Dustin. I am surprised at how nervous I have been! I am trying to be more excited than nervous... I figured I would be calm, I figured wrong. Father be with me today, fill me Holy Spirit. Give me your calm, your peace, your patience, your love..."

And this is what I wrote in the journal I had been keeping for Dustin that was part of his wedding gift. The journal that held a years worth of my thoughts and prayers for the man I would marry.

"The night before we marry. I feel like the little girl on 'Father of the Bride'. The little girl in her father's memory, that little girl telling him that she was getting "Maaarrieeeed!" She was so little, so young. I feel as such. So young, a little scared. Ok, very scared, but extremely hopeful of what the future holds for us. I am nervous too. About walking down the isle, balling my eyes out, seeing you standing there waiting for me, my beloved. After that I know I will be fine... the moment I can look into your eyes. This, the moment we have waited for for so very long. But it has been worth it, all of the trouble and struggle and heart ache. I love you Dustin. I love you with a heart that is purely yours. I pray we learn to love each other more and more as Christ loves us. I know we will fail many times. But as Daddy encouraged me tonight, we must never stop, never give up, never quit. "And let endurance have it's perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." This is what God is showing me life is all about. Persevering. Enduring. Marriage will require both. Yes, I am scared. But I trust God. And I know that He has chosen you for me. I am excited to be your wife and your helper. I love you with all of my heart.

Your almost-wife (in 17 hours), Mika'l

Hmm... almost prophetic.