Pregnancy Photo Shoot

I had many first's this fourth time around. A photo shoot being one of them. It had just never occurred to me before. And with a remarkable photographer as a sis-in-law, how could I not? I feel a little narcissistic posting these. But I had a lot of fun creating a special memory with Dustin and will always cherish these snapshots of this special time in my life. This is Judah at seven months!

As a side note... these pictures (and the family pictures) were taken in my own neighborhood believe it or not. I grew up here and am now back! I love that my kids are able to grow up here too. It's a great place.

Just When you Finally Have things Figured Out

*WARNING: This post contains pregnancy talk and may not be suitable for the man who has no idea what being 4cm dilated means or gags at the mention of the word fluid.

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You find yourself still pregnant two days past your due date!

My friend told me that I jinxed myself. And maybe I did. But the reality is, I really had never made it to a due date! Not just once, but thrice, my friends. So what was I supposed to expect especially with a fourth pregnancy??

This has been a roller coaster of a week for me to say the least.

I thought labor had started twice. With strong contractions, intensifying over a 3-5 hour period. Only to stop as suddenly has it started.

I thought my water had broken. Yeah, not a pleasant thought when I realized it wasn't amniotic fluid!

I was told by my midwife that I was dilated to 4cm and most likely would go by the weekend. (It is now Tuesday)

I have had at least 3 days of constant, strong and uncomfortable cramping and contractions.

I have watched my due date come and go.

I have struggled with intense discomfort due to being so dilated.

I have had to endure the million questions and suggestions and opinions from well meaning family and friends. (Sorry if I have not responded well or not at all)

I have experienced swelling in my feet, legs, toes, hands, fingers, lips, face, nose, etc...

But the hardest part about this past week, has been the battle within my mind. I'd like to blame it all on the crazy hormones that are threatening to make me crazy. And maybe that's part of it.

Maybe it's the desperation I feel to be "unpregnant" as Levi would say.

Maybe it's because I'm just weary.

I'd really like to blame it on all those things. But in the end I know that I have to be responsible for my thoughts and actions.

I have experienced true weakness this week. True 'humanity'. Shame for not trusting. Embarrassment for letting my thoughts and emotions get the better of me. I have struggled with fear and anxiety like never before.

I came across a post I wrote just before going to Ukraine December of 2010. It's titled A Calming Presence. I wasn't looking for it, it just seemed to appear out of no where. I know it was the Lord speaking to me, encouraging me.

I was in a similar place just before leaving for Ukraine. Struggling with fear and doubt. But through that God showed me that it's ok. Even in the midst of our weakness, He has a plan. He can still use us. And still prove to us that He is God, holding all things together.

Sunday was particularly bad. I woke up in a panic. The fear had over taken me the night before and I had completely succumb to it. I believed the words of the one who was attacking and oh how far I fell.

I knew my mind needed renewing. But the weight of my Bible was almost too heavy to bear.

I asked my Mother-in-Law for some Scripture references. She is such a huge encouragement to me. She doesn't shy away from giving you Truth, even when you want someone to just feel sorry for you. Within minutes I had a slue of Scriptures dealing with fear and worry. I spent a long time meditating on them. Praying and crying through them. Allowing the Lord's peace to wash over me. I felt invigorated. Able to see clearly once again. To recognize my blessings and to be thankful.

This releasing of control has been so hard for me. Coming to terms with the fact that I have to place my trust in a God who doesn't promise ease and comfort. That His goal for us is to be holy and not always happy. That He is always good but isn't always safe. Well, it's been a moment by moment battle. The failures have threatened to shake me to my core. And the victories have been slight in comparison.

But thankfully, this is the encouragement we have:

Let the beloved of the Lord rest in him, for he shields him all day long and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders - Deut. 33:12

Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come? - Lam. 3:37-38

...call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you...

I will be found by you - Jer. 29:11-14

Humble yourself under God's might hand that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your ENEMY the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the FAITH... And the God of grace... will restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. - 1Peter 5

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the spirit of sonship... - Rom. 8:15

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us... - Rom. 8:26

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither present or future, nor any powers... will be able to separate us from the LOVE of God - Rom 8:38

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will GUARD your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.

Phil. 4

I am so thankful for freedom in Christ. That I can share these things with you, speak them out loud and not have to be shameful. My weakness can be used for the glory of God. And it should. There is nothing within us, no strength or power or goodness. Not even faithfulness or loyalty. It doesn't make sense that God would pursue this one-sided relationship with us. But he does. 

And oh how thankful I am for that.

So, take this from someone who speaks from experience. If you are trying to figure out life, even the small moments within life, stop right now and let go of control. You'll save yourself a lot of agony.

Oh, and would you mind reminding me of these things in a day or two?

Thanks.

Snug as a Bug in a Rug

Baby Boy is really enjoying himself I think.

He's enjoying listening to Mommy's tummy rumblings and heart beat and voice as she sings to him.

He loves being curled up in a tight ball and floating upside down.

He likes his hiney being lodged in Mommy's ribs.

And tickling her sides with his toes.

He LOVES it when Mommy gets up 5 times a night to, you know...

He thinks it's fun making Mommy waddle around. Especially when other people share their hilarious comments about such.

And I know he must of had a chuckle when Mommy got stuck in the van because she couldn't open the door wide enough to get out. She had to find a new parking spot.

He loves making Mommy's belly jump and roll even when it makes her squint and cringe.

He likes hearing his brothers and sister talk to him through a wall of warmth and protection.

And kicking against Daddy's hand.

He's loving the endless debate on what his name will be!

I know you are having a wonderful time inside Mommy, my sweet baby boy, but...

you are going to love it even more on the outside.

Baby Boy's nursery (can you believe this is in my closet!). Art donated by three loving siblings. The banner reads, " Lil' Piece of Heaven". Blankets and (hanging) booties made by friend's very loving hands.

I promise!

A Forceful Reminder

I am grateful for the little reminders we receive throughout our lives that it's ok to slow down, to let things go, to relax just a bit more.


Being pregnant has been the reminder I needed.

I realized this the other night while making dinner, when I dropped an egg noodle on the floor.

It stayed there for a couple of days (this is the only time I wish I had a dog).

I've learned that you don't have to run to the stove when the pot is over flowing. You can casually walk if you want, waddle even, and get to it in time before something disastrous happens.

I've learned that the phone doesn't have to be answered on the 1st ring or even the 10th. That the person calling will understand you needing to call them back because you just couldn't get there fast enough.

I've learned that toes can be used for fingers.

And that the dishes wont mind sitting in the sink another day.

I've learned that you don't have to go and do to enjoy life. You can stay and do nothing and it be ok.

I've learned to let others help out (others as in an 8 and 6 and 5 year old). It teaches them responsibility and allows me to let go of perfectionism, at least a little.

I've learned that birthday presents and thank you notes can be late and still carry meaning.

And that the yard can look played in and it not matter what the neighbors think (sorry mom and dad).


I've learned that children can survive longer than you would have thought when you forget to feed them lunch. (yes, I really did that)

And that cereal makes for a great dinner.

That life and church and family continues even when you have to lay down a while.

I think that's been the biggest thing. I used to think I was so important. The world would literally come to an end if I didn't or couldn't or wouldn't.

It hasn't.

And I'm so glad. Because I just can't keep bending over, backwards or otherwise. It's just too dang hard at them moment.

Last Days

It hit me yesterday.

As I was opening baby shower gifts and holding tiny blue clothes in my hands. It finally hit me. Hard.

Baby boy is on his way and will be here very soon.

How soon, we don't know for sure. D-day is 4 weeks from now. But my babies have always been 1 -2 weeks old by the time that day finally rolled around.

It was strange as reality crept up the back of me and landed on top of my head. I think it messed up my hair just a bit, because I felt a little disheveled.

I had been tired that morning after not sleeping well the night before. It's funny how he's already keeping me up nights. I fully anticipated a lengthy nap that afternoon.

But as soon as I got home, the nap was no longer needed. Instead what was needed was baby clothes washed and sorted, thank you notes written, and the kitchen de-cluttered.

Nesting has begun. And just in time too. I've been worried that it just wouldn't happen because of my extreme lack of energy.

I am excited and anxious and can't wait to meet him. To know what his name will be. To see who he looks like. To experience labor in a very different way.

God will provide what we need as we need it. So I'm not worried. But trusting does take work.

So in these last days, we are working hard at trusting, waiting patiently and finally washing baby clothes!

Again??

I'm not sure what this says about us...

but, we are MOVING again!!

Maybe it just means we are Gypsies... but I'm not sure I'm ok with that!

So yeah, the pictures are always the first to come down. Leaving empty, sad walls.

Then the books. Leaving empty, dusty shelves.

Then the boxes start to take over and I embrace the chaos for a while.

The frustrating part to this move is that I really can't do much. I'm not on bed rest, but I have been given strict orders to 'take it easy' by my midwife. I was on bed rest the last 2 months of my second pregnancy, and although my contractions have been nothing like they were with Deacon, they are still present and abnormally strong for only being 6 months. They have been waking me up at night.

So although I greatly appreciate Dustin packing every single box thus far, it is leaving me a bit disjointed feeling. I'm not going to know how to unpack! I usually know what's in most every box and the unpacking goes pretty quickly... Once again, I am being forced to embrace more chaos in my life!

I have been trying to figure out how many times I have moved pregnant... let's see:

Grace Park to Bonair- November 2002, 5 months after we were married

Bonair to Longcreek - January 2003

Longcreek to Seacrest - May 2003 - Pregnant with Olivia!

Seacrest to Longcreek - August 2003 - 3 months pregnant

Longcreek to Stagecoach - December 2003 - 8 months pregnant

Stagecoach to Sam's Pt. - March 2004 - Olivia 9 weeks old

Sam's Pt. to Stagecoach - November 2005 - Deacon 2.5 months old Olivia 22 months

Stagecoach to Willow Pt. - August 2006, 4 months pregnant with Levi, Deacon 12 months, Olivia 2.5

Willow Pt. to Sunset - August 2009, Olivia 5, Deacon 4, Levi 2

Sunset to Pine Run - March 2011, Olivia 7, Deacon 5, Levi 4

Pine Run to Stagecoach - February/March 2012 - Olivia 8, Deacon 6, Levi 5, and Baby Boy Qualls 6 months (pregnant)

So this is the 5th time I've moved pregnant, even though I've only been pregnant 4 times! And I've moved twice with a newborn - not sure which one is more difficult!

And if you're a smart one, you've probably noticed this is the 3rd time we are moving to Stagecoach. Believe it or not, we haven't lived in the same place twice (on Stagecoach that is!).

I look forward to writing a post about this house we are moving into soon.

I'll give you a hint...

...My Daddy built it. =)