I have been home 5 days now. It has been so wonderful being with my husband and children. I have enjoyed seeing all they have had to show me and hearing all they have had to tell me.
But it has been hard as well. I was really hoping I would bye-pass this part of the mission trip. Why does coming home and readjusting to life have to be so hard?
I am not struggling this time with being back in America and being away from Ukraine. Last time that was a huge part of the struggle for me. I felt guilty for being an American and living in America.
This time has been different. This trip was so different. We saw God work in ways that we could have never imagined. We saw Him take the victory in these women's lives. We saw Him use us! It was mind blowing.
Then I come home to three whiny children who have been without their mother for two weeks and appear to have forgotten all that I have worked so hard to instill in them for the past, oh I don't know, their entire lives!!
And I am left with the overwhelming feeling of, I can't do this. How could I have the courage to go to a foreign country and speak to women who speak a foreign language about their abortions and a God who wants to heal them. And not have the courage or even the ability to speak to my five year old about his bad attitude?
I have felt very weak and inadequate and overwhelmed with my inability.
It's crazy how you can go from such a high 'high' to such a low 'low'. I don't really know how to make sense of it or how to shake it. It just doesn't seem right and I feel so self-focused. Hmm... reminds me of a lesson I just taught last week on depression. Maybe I should go and reteach it... to myself.
I am not a writer, but I am a thinker. And sometimes my thoughts get lost in the chaos that is constantly surrounding me. Maybe this will help...
5 comments:
This is what I've been learning on those days: 1) Give yourself grace- and space. Someone said dealing with children all day is like being eaten alive by baby ducks! 2) Sing a Bible verse to yourself AND your children to bring His presence closer. 3) Plan something fun with a friend- some of us are going to Moe's tonight at 5pm, but there will be a lot of young'uns!
Grace, Grace, Grace...
It's God's world and grace, not ours.
"I have learned to be content, no matter what state I am in" All of life is a matter of the heart. Is the heart as a mother, wife, missionary, singer, teacher, or whatever we do on God and his glory and will or my idolistic nature to place "me" above what God does and provides even if it is short. The transference of grace is not becoming a "professional" Christian but grace applied to whereever and whatever God places before us.
Yes, John, but grace applied to our hearts and mind often takes space to think, meditation on His promises, and benefitting from His people.
although you know that i could never relate, to being a mother that is, i sympathize with you. i hope you can take to heart, for whatever it is worth, that im proud of you as a mother-apparently it's not a position for glory, is it?
yet, the sacrifice makes it sacred-SACRED. (Rob Bell)
You shouldn't feel guilty about how great life is in America. It's somewhat analogous to the gospel.
Life in Christ is so much more joyful than the mess that exists outside of Christ. We try our best to give our secret away, but some folks just won't accept it.
So, it is with our technological, freedom based, society. It simply works and we demonstrate every day how liberty and justice produce prosperity -- even when implemented poorly by fallen creatures such as us.
But many , many people around the world choose something else based on some false promise or another. The other systems sound great but invariably don't take fallen human nature into account, and thus fail in practice. Our system, which almost seems based on selfishness, actually works with real people.
This is the lesson of "Lord of the Flies" -- civilization, when done right, constrains our sinful nature.
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