My Boy

The past couple of days have been a bit of a bummer for me. I have been layed up sick with a sinus infection. My head feels like it is swimming, nothing seems to stay still. I am ok as long as I am sitting or lying down. But even sitting things seem to keep swaying.

This time has given me a chance to think. That can be good and bad. How about I just stick with the good...

I have been really discouraged as a mother lately. Specifically since coming back from Ukraine, but even before that.

My kids are growing up more and more each day. Am I failing them? is not the question. Rather, HOW am I failing them? We will all fail our children in some capacity. It is something we just have to come to terms with being fallen, human beings.

But it can't stop there. It still doesn't make it ok. It is still sin. And seeing my sin reflected back to me in the faces of my children has really been discouraging for me. I have felt overwhelmed, convicted. Can someone just send me to my room? How about a time-out? I would take it gladly!

I keep pressing on, albeit, sometimes weakly. But press on I must! This is the greatest responsibility that God has and will ever give me. Ukraine - Smukraine! This is what matters most right now. And just when I think that I might give up, God shows me that, yes, He is still among us. He is still teaching. He hasn't forgotten me or my children. He is still faithful.

I haven't written much about Deacon I was noticing the other day. He is my second born. First son. And has one of the most tender hearts I have seen in a young child. He's not real talkative. Very shy. Not too funny, although he loves to laugh! I think sometimes he gets overshadowed by his very talkative sister and jokester of a brother. But I don't think he minds. He doesn't mind being in the background or behind the scenes. He is content to let them steal the show.

I am noticing that when Deacon does have something to say, unless he is whining, it would be a good thing to stop and listen.

Let me give some background to the situation I am getting ready to share with you.

For Christmas Aunt Ashley wanted to take each child on a date for some one-on-one auntie time. I had the privilege of picking which child would go first. All the kids were aware that Friday would be the day and that mommy would be watching all week to see which child 'deserved' to go the most.

Olivia took it the most serious. "Was I good enough today, Mommy? Will you pick me for Friday?" In fact, she had been very good. I was proud of her for trying so hard.

Deacon on the other hand wasn't trying as hard. In fact, he had gotten in trouble a lot during the week.

Friday morning came and I had decided that even though Deacon didn't 'deserve' it as much as the others, I thought he 'needed' it the most. I proceeded to explain this to my children.

"Sometimes we have a hard time listening and making good choices because we are distracted by being sad or angry or maybe we don't feel special. So even though Deacon didn't have the best behavior this week, I am picking him because I want him to feel special so that maybe it might be a little easier for him to obey." ...or something close to that...

It was so priceless watching his face light up. Olivia on the other hand wasn't as 'lit up'. In fact she burst into tears! I was a little surprised. We have really been working on being happy for others even when they get something we didn't and I have seen a big improvement in her. But this time, she clearly was not happy for her brother.

Deacon didn't wasted anytime reaching out to her, literally and figuratively.

"You can have my turn, Yivie."

"What did you say?" I asked.

"I want her to go first, Mom. You can go first, Yivie."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Mmm Hmm."

That was something I didn't expect to hear from my son that day. It was a gift that I didn't expect from my Lord that day either.

It was a reassurance to my mother-heart that even when I am not loving them enough, teaching them enough, doing the very best for my kids... He is. Praise God! I need all the help I can get!!